Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[ErGingerbreadMandude]

You know, I probably seem like a really confident person with no insecurities or issues both here and irl but honestly I'm a mess. I had a dad that never acknowledged me unless I was the best in anything I did. Which really pushed me, I absolutely had to be first. I remember once I really pushed myself to be first in a college 100m race that I was sick for a week puking, muscle pain and even caught a fever and the time that I felt like a complete failure when I had university's second most highest mark. It may seem nice but I have really lost a lot of opportunities because I was afraid I won't be the best in it and that's a shit feeling because deep down I've had things I really wanted to do whether it be academic, music, sports or even relationship but I'd have this thought put on repeat inside my head "What if you lose then everybody will see how worthless you are" and I just nope out of that because I'm scared, I'm scared of being seen as a weak good for nothing coward. It also made me super competitive because I absolutely had to win everything, it worsened to the point that people secretly hated me. Anyway, long story short there was a test to get placement in a big shot company and I didn't get the offer but 3 of my friends did. Normally, people would be like "ah screw it" and congratulate their friends but not me, I was so pissed and bitter and whatever I didn't congratulate any of my friends and didn't take any calls I was getting. I told my bro everything that happened and he blew up on me asking me to call my friends and congratulate them which I did but I was still bitter as fuck. I just didn't like losing. I mean, it's probably not as bad as some people have around here but I was honestly depressed for like straight up 2 months. I just locked myself in my room, didn't eat much, just stayed in the dark contemplating my worthlessness. All that even though I was pretty much unrivaled both academically and athletically, I even once did a "fashion show"(I know I know) walking on the ramp thing wearing a weird dress(and even makeup, fuck! I know I know) and got 1st prize but all that was in my mind was that one thick fat failure which pretty much in my mind overshadowed all of my accomplishments. Anyhow after 2 months of "depression" and further 3 months of not having the usual self esteem, generally feeling down and low energy to participate or attend any events - I got the news that a college that was about a 200km away was hosting a competition. I assembled my squad and decided we'd go for the event together with most of the class. Well, to cut things short our team which I was the leader of which really was just me and my friend won first prize. Shit me giggles fuck me dry I was so overjoyed and I picked my friend up despite my back issues and literally threw him up I don't know what I was thinking I was just really really REALLY happy(crazy happy even) and with our cash prize we gave a treat for all my friends and I gave all the reminding money to my sis for her to buy a new phone (which I broke), pleased with my "kind" gesture my dad bought me a new phone!! Really, I was at the top of the moons flying high, I quickly got my jive back and was back to myself in no time. I was just really happy.

So anyway the point of my rather long and boring post was talking to someone didn't help me, the only possible outcome that had for me was getting into acceptance that I was just a loser which only made me feel even worse. The only thing that helped me blow bazookas out the pit I was in and emerge with "rocketman"(Sanandreas reference) was feeling like a winner by actually risking losing but in the end winning. You don't need my advice, you're way older than me and have more than enough life experiences in your pockets but I can't help but try to make you feel better. So my "advice" would be to find something you're good at and kick ass. Like if your cooking is to die for make and sell little things to your neighbors. Or you could engage in stitching clothes, or do charity work. Basically work, work hard, work harder and when people look you in the eye with admiration and overjoyed that they thank their lucky stars for having you in their lives you'll have finally crawled - no flied out your pit with new born wings of an angel (you already look the part so that's one down isn't it )