Low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and lack of purpose

[Catholic_Lady]

CL, based on the pictures you shared here when you joined, you are are a very beautiful woman. I know that's a superficial thing but I'm sure your husband appreciates it. You also seem to be a very charismatic person - You're a theist and Min hasn't even insulted you yet. That's a very handy thing because it's a great communication tool. People are much more likely to open their mind to what you have to say when they like you.

I'm sure you have other positives which haven't come across through the limited lens of a message forum.

Regarding the therapist thing:  I pride myself on being level-headed but I will admit to a few things:

1. I spent 3 days in a psychiatric ward in Florida in 2010 because I was suicidal. I got over it. This shit happens though. We have our strengths but our vulnerabilities too.

2. I have an infatuation with actress Barbara Eden - I guess like Brian37's thing with ABBA. I mention this because Barbara suffered a miscarriage at 8 months. Her doctors felt it was far too dangerous to induce labor and her profession precluded getting a C-section - scars don't look good on an actress. She carried a dead baby for a month and then delivered it. It never even occurred to her to seek therapy for this. She never went through a grieving stage and this led to a mental breakdown. It wrecked her 16-year marriage among other things. Google it. There are many interviews with her where she speaks candidly about it.

CL, you might be more in need of therapy than you realize. I'm not a woman so I can't relate but I know the strong-willed Barbara Eden paid a price for blowing off therapy. Admittedly, her experience was worse than yours but it's a similar situation. Make sure you have properly come to terms with your unfortunate experience so that it doesn't have long-term aftereffects. Like I said earlier, we have our strengths but our weaknesses as well. It's no shame to admit that.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I know who Barbara Eden is but had no idea she had been through something like that. It's just awful. I'll have to read her story, and yes it was definitely worse than what I went through because she was further along than I was. It's amazing what people can go through and get out of. And that goes with you too for being at the lowest of lows in a psych ward and overcoming it.

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I have felt like a worthless failure and loser ever since I was 18 and I was unable to achieve all the ridiculous expectations my dad expected of me. Now no matter how well I do at something... I'll feel like a failure... unless I literally get 100%.

He always wanted me to be the best player in the world at a game and win money though... and just getting a little better at Age of Empires 2 makes me feel a lot better about myself at this point. Because that has been my favorite game since I was 12 and that was also the game he pushed me to become world class at... which took a lot of the fun out of it. So I am sort of trying to get my childhood back.

Oh and also fuck I love that game.

But yeah I find myself having to remind myself that any improvement at this game is a success... I recently wrote a guide for more inexperienced players and they said how helpful it was and I almost cried because I feel like this pathetic failure despite being better than 90% of people at the game.

Here's some of the reactions I got:

That was very well detailed and helpful information, thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I learnt alot from it and am starting to realize why I struggle sometimes with the mistakes I make.

I will take in all of this information and hopefully improve with more practise and I hope Vec0 takes the time to read it and improve aswell, have fun all.

Totally agree - very impressed too and "much work for a stranger" . Chapeau / nicely done.

Regards,

t. L.

Thank you a lot! i read everything and i should definitely try to improve step by step so i dont get lost. I even feel a bit ashame for doing so many dumb things without thinking about their goal and also thank you for these information for exemple the 25%hill damage/resistence bonus, i though it ony apply on buildings :/

It also seems like i have read some bad guides or maybe i mixed all the informations because they were advertising differente villager organisation and economic upgrades.

Your analyse will make my gaming experience way less frustrating because i can now focus in improving instead of feeling completly lost.

Thank you!

That did made me feel all warm inside for a little while... and yet before I know it I'll still be telling myself I suck.

May seem trvial to some, most or even all of you since it's 'only a game'. But I've never had a job and my dad pushed me to make money through winning tournaments in video games. He like literally believed he was a genius and all his children were geninuses because he's a genius dad teaching them to be geniuses and giving them his genius genes. He used to say shit like "THERE'S SO MUCH IN ME!".

He didn't just encourage me and tell me I could be good at stuff if I wanted it. He didn't even tell me I could do anything if I put my mind to it. He told me I WOULD and WILL succeed at being the BEST in the WORLD at everything. Now.... that kind of encouragement just had the effect of making me feel like a total failure no matter how well I did because of the absurd expectations he was instilling n me.

Yes, sounds like you and I have had a lot of the same feelings. I'm sorry about your dad making you feel like a failure. From what it sounds like, it seems he meant well in encouraging you but didn't go about it the right way, and never gave you the validation you needed. And the physical abuse is horrible too. I can't imagine one of my parents doing that to me and how it would effect me for the rest of my life.