I think that's something that a lot of people can relate to at some point in their lives, though I feel like few will talk about it. And of course, everyone experiences those things in different forms or for different reasons. I am fortunate enough to not have a mental illness or neurological disorder of any kind. I've never had clinical depression, don't suffer from anxiety, no ADD, etc etc. To me, feeling down on myself comes strictly from the way life itself has gone, my failures, my lack of abilities, and so forth. It does not come from mental health issues.
I figured out sometime during college that I wasn't meant to be a career woman. I just didn't have the natural skills or the drive or interest for any particular field of work or study. It was a hard realization to come to at the time, because it's important to me that I do well in life and contribute to society. The only jobs I've had were pretty meaningless, and for the sole purpose of making money... like working at restaurants, stores, house keeping, etc. Nothing real. And I'm ashamed of that. It's embarrassing to me.
I figured at that time that my calling then, since I wasn't meant to be a career woman, was to be a mother some day. And I would dedicate my life to my family, and I would be the best wife and the best mom in the world... to make up for my complete failure and inabilities in the career department. I never imagined that I would have infertility issues, because being a mom was what I was supposed to do. It was my way of contributing to society and giving my life purpose. But here I am, married for 7 years, 31 years old, and still childless because my body doesn't seem to be able to do it, or at least, to do it right...
I did get pregnant once so far, but the one baby I did make had genetic abnormalities that were incompatible with life, and so he died when I was 5 months pregnant with him. It hurts that this is something else that I can't do. Currently I have no job. I try to fill my days up with random things so that I don't feel so worthless. It hurts not feeling like I'm good enough for anything... even for making babies. It hurts knowing that my husband deserves to be a father but that he married a complete dud... someone who doesn't work, doesn't have any special skills, and can't even give him children. (and yes, the infertility issues are on my end not his - we checked)
I think of the good things I have, and they are many - an amazing husband, a solid family, structured upbringing, incredible faith, financial security, physical/mental health. Thinking of these things initially makes me feel like I have a lot to be happy about in life. But it backfires on me when I remember that those things were all given to me. I just happened to luck out. None of those things were earned, none of them are inherent to me. They are outside things. The struggle is with myself, and those things only serve to remind me that I don't deserve any of it. Because I haven't been able to reap good out of any of them. I'm still worthless and I still failed despite all those things I had going for me. The people in my life that I love and that love me have nothing to feel proud of me for, and nothing to gain from me. I can't give my husband a child, I can't give my parents grandchildren, I can't be someone that these people feel proud of, or can brag to their friends about... for any reason. And that is the part that hurts most because I want the best for all of them. And I can't do it.
TLDR: If you struggle or have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, self esteem, lack of purpose in life, etc... feel free to share your story below so that we all know we are not alone. And if you were able to overcome it, advice would be greatly appreciated.
