My dad hates me/is kicking me out

[Aegrus]

I'm so sorry about your situation. Maybe I'm not the right person to post on matters of life and death, but I feel like I need to tell you that you're worth something. More than me.

I considered suicide as well. I was staring at the pills in my medicine cabinet and I was very, very close to taking as many as I could, just to end the pain. I didn't feel any joy, there was just this gray haze over every day. I felt miserable and guilty, like there was some kind of animal clawing through my guts, trying to escape. I cried for hours, day in and day out. No one understood. No one talked to me, probably because I did my best to hide my problems from them.

I had my reasons. I will never tell anyone any of them, but they were there. They are there. I thought it was my fault. I had all these ideas screaming in my head. I thought I was worthless, a piece of shit human being. I couldn't do anything right. I was weird, and everyone else was normal, and it was all my fault.

But I hope this makes you feel better- I'm seventeen, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've never had a close relationship. Hell, I've never even been close to kissing a girl. I'm terrified of people to a point where most of my school goes out of its way to avoid me. I'm "weird." I have one friend- my brother, and at the memoent, no source of income. I'm a loser.

But life always gets better. And you have to believe that it will. I said earlier that you're valuable, and I meant it. I admire you. You believe what you believe, or rather, lack belief, because you are brave, and critical. You don't swallow the bullshit that your "father" tells you, and I quote father because it sounds like he's been a shitty one. You're braver than me, you sound more capable than me despite your greater problems.

The conflict in your family is not your fault. It's theirs, and there is a forum-full of people here who will support you and tell you that same truth. Don't give in because your family wants you to, or because they think you aren't worth anything. You are. Don't look for justification from other people like I did. Most other people are idiots. You are your own justification. You have power, you're smart, and there are people all over the world who will help you.

I said that the world always gets better. I put the pills away because I was afraid of death. I found this forum, and forums like it, and I started seeing the world for the first time. Every sunrise is, to be frank, fucking awesome. Every breath is valuable and perfect, because it means that the world hasn't beaten you yet. Things will get better. You have to trust me. Things will get better.

Well, shit, I'm nearly crying now. Well, fuck all. I'm sure my social anxiety is going to make me hate myself for this post, but I needed to write it. I really, sincerely hope that it helps you.