High level philosophy

[robvalue]

Before going into more general discussions, there’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss for a while and this seems like the right venue. The following is personal and very dark in nature, so I’m going to put it in spoilers and advise reader discretion.

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I’ve been trying to analyse myself and my behaviour scientifically. The development of my own morality is very important to me, and on a surface level I’m trying to do "the right thing". It’s become quite a popular theme in these post-survivalist times. I try and expand this as far and wide as possible.

But how does my behaviour actually work? What is really stopping me from doing certain things that I consider "wrong"? One big factor is guilt. I know that if I do certain thing that I feel to be wrong, I will feel guilty. In this way I police myself, because I am my own harshest critic. I know that if I did certain things I consider to be extremely wrong, I’d feel so guilty that I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I hate feeling guilty, so this gives me a practical reason not to do these things.

There’s one particular scenario to which this doesn’t apply, and this is where it’s going to get dark. I want to first reassure everyone that this isn’t a cry for help. I’m no danger to myself. I have absolutely no plans to hurt myself. I have been the way I’m about to describe for over 10 years. I have promised to immediately tell my wife if I have the slightest inclination of making life-ending plans.

I hate being alive, and I want to die. Every day, I wish for death. I wish I could be allowed to die. If I was to act purely selfishly, I’d go and find the most painless way of killing myself today. The reason I don’t do this is because I know it would be devastating to various people (primarily my wife), as well as my dog who has a very close connection with me; and I would be abandoning our other pets too. I live on for them. Everyone is free not to believe me, that’s absolutely fine. I try my best every day to be as positive as I can, and to make the best of things. People therefor sometimes have a hard time believing what’s going on inside of me.

Here’s the interesting part, in this morbid scenario. If I killed myself, there would be no guilt. As well as ending all my problems, that final barrier doesn’t exist. Yet I don’t do it. So clearly it’s not such a simple setup as it may seem. My next idea is that my behaviour has been conditioned to avoid doing "wrong" things for fear of the guilt, to the point where the deterrent itself is no longer actually relevant. Yet I can sit here and analyse myself, to see how I have (so to speak) indoctrinated myself into a certain mode of behaviour, and I can clearly see how the reasoning behind it does not apply here.

So what is stopping me, scientifically speaking? I suppose the power of the emotions of me knowing how much suffering my actions would cause, even though I wouldn’t be there to experience them or feel guilty about them, is strong enough to counter my freely available escape from the misery of my life. I guess it makes some sort of sense from an evolutionary point of view, too. Those who value others to such a degree that they will endure misery themselves will survive and get the opportunity to reproduce, whereas those who "opt out" lose all such rights.

I apologise for the depressing subject matter, and I won’t be offended if no one (DLJ included) wants to discuss it further.

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