Let's Start Over, I'm Blackrook and I'm Here to Get Some Answers to Important Questions

[Mister Agenda]

Right, well I've stopped believing that God is going to swoop in and fix my life and make things better. He has already proven he's not going to do that.

All the bad things that have happened to me I realize are caused by a combination of factors: I am bipolar, I am ADD, and an anti-social personality because my mother was abusive to me and I grew up not trusting people.

That's a lot of strikes against you. For what it's worth, I recommend when you look at where you are, think about what you had to overcome to get that far.

So I have had very little success in my career, and at the age of 47 I am once again starting out with nothing in my bank account, no book of business, but still with all the responsibilities of a wife and a son to support, plus lots of bills.

That's pretty rough. I've been broke, but at least it was long enough ago that I've mostly recovered. Right now I'm trying to help a refugee without a HS diploma and only so-so English find a job and it's really hard in the current economy...even forklift operator positions are requiring a diploma or GED. I hope you at least have some sort of employment to help you hold over.

And God has done nothing to help me with any of this, despite my prayers.

Or maybe he has, I don't know. Maybe I should be counting my blessings: a happy marriage and three wonderful children. And if I die now, I've accomplished that. I had a very unhappy childhood, but I was able to make sure my children DID have a happy childhood.

You've already done more for your children than your parents did for you. That's definitely not nuthin'.

But I've been a bad example to them on Catholicism. My eldest has declared she is not a Catholic, my second daughter doesn't attend Mass, and my son did not complete his confirmation. And what could I expect since I am so slack in this area myself, and my wife really is not a Catholic except in name since she converted only because she married me.

You can't control your children's religion. You can love them and respect their choices. In my humble opinion, doing anything else won't make Catholics of them but it could drive them away from you. All a parent can do by way of example is be the best person they are able to be. Be happy if they turn out to be half-way decent people, if they come to share your religion, consider it a bonus.

My father is very disappointed in me, and with his other children who are wandering from the faith. My younger sister has declared she is an atheist, my other sister married a Muslim, and I've been missing Mass for years.

Based on what you've said, you're a better father to your children than your father was to his, and it doesn't sound like he was that great an example for inspiring Catholicism himself. It's hard not to live in the shadows of our fathers, whether they were great, terrible, or in-between; but maybe your father should spend a little more time being disappointed in himself and a little less on being disappointed with you.

And really its all about my father, since he controls me with guilt.

And so I guilt him back. Why didn't you do something while Mom was hitting me? Why did you just stand there and let it happen? And then he gets upset, and so I don't do that any more. What's the point?

Venting, i suppose. If you would prefer pastoral counseling, I recommend you find a priest with good credentials and experience for it. Talking to someone in RL is probably a good idea.

Any way, I'm rambling. There's really no point in this except to say that things have not worked out for me the way I hoped. And now I've learned that things don't work that way. God never promised that those who follow him would acheive success, fame and happiness in this life. It is childish to think so, and I guess I have to stop being a child.

But Mass does nothing for me. I do not feel God's presence at Mass and I do not feel inspired to pray to him at any time. I feel an emptiness instead, and a longing that my struggle in this world could finally, mercifully end.

You're bipolar. You know this will pass and you will feel better.

Well, ok, I'm trying to be nice but if you don't want to do that I will put you on ignore and pay attention to the people who want to talk constructively.

That could work.

So anyway, that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to continue this war that started when I first got here. I am going to stick to the subject and talk to people who want to talk to me in a respectful, polite, constructive fashion.

And anyone who doesn't want to talk to me respectfully, politely, and constructively will quickly join my ignore list.

And in that way, I will not lose my temper and go back to the way things went when I first got here.

Sounds like a plan. I hope you can be an interesting and long-term addition to the site.