Hostage to fear

[Pyrrho]

...  I've never felt so uncomfortable as I do right now, at this moment.
...

If it makes you feel any better (and even if it doesn't), many people who lose their religion report being upset during the process, but are much happier after a while.  I was raised a Christian, and was sufficiently serious about it as a child that I thought that maybe I wanted to be a preacher when I grew up.  However, I had doubts and ended up rejecting religion entirely.  The process of de-coverting was painful, but after a while, I became much happier than I had ever been before.  I have now been a complete and total atheist for over 30 years, and am still quite happy.

So, your current feelings are common, but such feelings commonly do not last.

Take your time and think carefully about things, reading things that interest you, and don't rush to any conclusions.

You should definitely read things on the subject, as it will help you have greater confidence in your ideas about there not being a god, and in the absurdity of Christianity.  What would be best depends on your temperament and so forth, so I am hesitant to make any specific recommendations.  Do your atheist parents have any suggestions, or do you not wish to talk with them about this for some reason?

And welcome to the forum!

Unfortunately, they are my only personal experience with atheists, and they are very bad ones at that.

If I tried to talk to them about it, there would be "told you so" moments that would make this thing so much more difficult than it already is.

Thank you!

Okay.  In that case, you might want to take a look at the writings at:

http://infidels.org/library/


I also rather like Epicurus:

http://www.epicurus.net

Particularly, the Principle Doctrines and Letter to Menoeceus.  Feel free to ask questions about them.

I've lived my life entirely in fear of this concept of being "outside of God's grace".  Like most men, I'm a fixer.  Show me the problem, I'll fix it.  The problem with Christianity is, you can't do that.  It doesn't fix anything.  It only confuses your problems further.  Once I ditched the doctrine of "once saved, always saved", I had to accept that I could do things to lose my salvation.  Holy crap, what a bad thing to have over your head.  It turned me into a heavy drinker and sent me into the worst depression, because I struggle to meet God's standards.  And the doctrine of the Church is always there to make you feel so fucking horrible about yourself.

It makes me wonder if I can live a more holy life, if I didn't have this thing hovering over me making me want to sin to self-medicate my depression that the thing itself has caused.

I don't know when or where, but I have sort of made myself promise to talk to my wife about this soon.  Maybe she'll be down with sleeping in on Sundays. 
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I think it is common for people to be better when they get rid of their religion.  In my case, I am more tolerant of others, as I do not believe in a god who wants me to be intolerant to others.  Ridding oneself of religion gives one a good opportunity to rethink one's values.  That, too, can be unsettling, but it can also be quite liberating.  Just take your time and think things through before doing anything dramatic.  Not every command in religion is completely bad, so it isn't as simple as just doing the opposite of what you have been taught.

I think if you can become more "settled" in your lack of religious beliefs, you will likely be happier and better.