I wish I could somehow find a way to get past grieving over my grandmother. She died three years ago, and I miss her as though her death just happened, yesterday. I'm not a melancholy mess every day thinking about her, and I've learned to drive by certain eateries and smile...remembering being with her, there. But, late at night, when my husband goes to sleep, and the bedroom is quiet...I think of her. I just miss her way.
My parents have always been there for me, and I love them, but my mom has always been a bit of a push over with my dad, and my dad is pretty dominant. I want to believe they love me for me, and they probably do, but my grandmother. She made me feel special and always listened to my dating woes and insights on life. I try to explain my loss to my husband, and it's hard because he wasn't as close to his grandmother who died a few years ago, as I was to mine. He's comforting, but maybe no one can really comfort me through this. I just have to learn to comfort myself?
I guess this is what grief feels like. This stagnant, painful ache that sort of settles in your heart, and just lays there. Some days, it's dormant, or you're so busy with the details of life, that it just sort of goes silent. The pain subsides, and you feel good. You feel relieved...finally, maybe I'm past this, you think. But, then, something triggers it all back. You meet unkind people, or you feel defeated for some reason, at work or wherever you might be, and boom. The ache throbs, and it all floods back. The memories, and all the things that I wish I had done, when she wanted me to do them. I think that's one of the toughest parts of loss and grief, is knowing that when she was here, I dragged my feet on so many things. And, now she's not here to see all the things I've done. All the things she asked me to do, because she knew they'd be good for me.
I'm grateful for the time I had with her, but how could having love, and losing it...be better than never having it at all? How can that even be? I would never feel like this. No one would ever feel like this. And then there are people in your life who tell you to go see someone, talk it out. Talk what out? Pay someone to watch me cry over my grandmother? And try to psychoanalyze me in the process. Seems pointless.
But, I'll feel like this until I no longer do. And that's the process of grief. And the scary part is, it may never fully go away. There will always be this void, this hole that she filled. How to fill it, I don't know.
This feeling really sucks.
My parents have always been there for me, and I love them, but my mom has always been a bit of a push over with my dad, and my dad is pretty dominant. I want to believe they love me for me, and they probably do, but my grandmother. She made me feel special and always listened to my dating woes and insights on life. I try to explain my loss to my husband, and it's hard because he wasn't as close to his grandmother who died a few years ago, as I was to mine. He's comforting, but maybe no one can really comfort me through this. I just have to learn to comfort myself?
I guess this is what grief feels like. This stagnant, painful ache that sort of settles in your heart, and just lays there. Some days, it's dormant, or you're so busy with the details of life, that it just sort of goes silent. The pain subsides, and you feel good. You feel relieved...finally, maybe I'm past this, you think. But, then, something triggers it all back. You meet unkind people, or you feel defeated for some reason, at work or wherever you might be, and boom. The ache throbs, and it all floods back. The memories, and all the things that I wish I had done, when she wanted me to do them. I think that's one of the toughest parts of loss and grief, is knowing that when she was here, I dragged my feet on so many things. And, now she's not here to see all the things I've done. All the things she asked me to do, because she knew they'd be good for me.
I'm grateful for the time I had with her, but how could having love, and losing it...be better than never having it at all? How can that even be? I would never feel like this. No one would ever feel like this. And then there are people in your life who tell you to go see someone, talk it out. Talk what out? Pay someone to watch me cry over my grandmother? And try to psychoanalyze me in the process. Seems pointless.
But, I'll feel like this until I no longer do. And that's the process of grief. And the scary part is, it may never fully go away. There will always be this void, this hole that she filled. How to fill it, I don't know.
This feeling really sucks.
