How to avoid shaking hands

[Niqabi Ninja]

Assalamu allaykum my cognitively disabled friends once again... *ahem*

Sooooo here's the thing. I know that if a guy comes to me and wants to hug me, shake my hands, hi-five and whatever, I kindly explain to him why I can't do it because of my religion and I'm not trying to be offensive... and when you tell them once, they get the deal... I simply smile and say "Sorry, I don't want to shake hands with men"... for example a few years ago I once got an email to come down for an interview and I straightaway I thought to myself "Omg! Interview? MAN! HANDSHAKE! OMG!" and instead of emailing him and saying "yeah sure I can make it at X time" I replied asking him to NOT to shake my hand when I come down, and why... the man never replied to my email and he never gave me a date lol... but meh whatever. I was just trying to be extra cautious you know coz like, say if i forgot the handshake rule then at least he would've remembered that right? meh.

Actually this is gonna sound even stupider... I once had to go on stage to collect my certificates and it was an old man and the procedure was that we shake his hands and then take the certificate, so im debating in my head "Am I allowed? What am i supposed to do? How do i explain in front of everyone when we only get 2 seconds on the stage till the next person comes"... and so I was PANICKING inside my head. So this is what i did... I took the certificate and moved my hand, then old man moved his hand forward to shake it but when he saw that i moved it back he moved his back, but when i saw that he moved his hand forward to shake it I moved mine forward, lol. But I dunno how that ended tbh. meh.

This is also funny... whenever any guys try to shake hand of this saudi friend of mine she looks him up and down in a weird/scared/disgusted/awkward way and says "sorry I dont shake hands because of my religion"... that makes me crack up lol. perfect way to make a guy feel awkward and never reach for a niqabi's hands. Another time a guy tried to shake her hand, she just told him she isn't allowed to touch a guy for her religion. Then she goes "air handshake?". She also does air high fives. Its interesting, maybe a good idea? hmm

BUT... there have been cases where guys come up and puts out their hands in front of me and it's really REALLY weird. And at the same time it would be very offensive to them if I DIDN'T shake their hands. I feel like i'm in a VERY awkward situation and after shaking their hands I'm thinking to myself "OMG THAT WAS A MAN! OMG I JUST SHOOK A MAN'S HAND! GRRRRR! OMG! OMG! I'M GONNA DIE!!!"

I once even got the opportunity to explain to a Jewish lad why i don't touch guys and he goes "oh really well that works for us too! " and then he explained some concept with a fancy name that i've forgotten... but yeah, it's just really frustrating for me when a guy offer his hands for a handshake. Recently I was a guest receiver at an event... sadly I had to shake at least 10-11 non-muslim men's hands. I felt very uncomfortable but the coordinator kept saying "its okay, keep shaking hands, it is professional". I know this is going to sound stupid and maybe you think that I AM stupid for saying this (although that's not true)... but sometimes I think AFTER somethings happened to me.

So now my question is... what are some clever ways to AVOID shaking hands instead of telling them that "I don't want to because I'm a Muslim" EVERY single time? I mean, I have witnessed several times when muslimahs refused to shake hands and then the other person ended up being offended. So how to not offend people without shaking their hands? Like what are some ideas??? When I explain to someone that you do not shake hands with the opposite gender, what exactly should I say? What if the person is someone important like my BOSS or someone who is going to give me an award or say people who are going to INTERVIEW me?

For example maybe I can ask the person "hey dude when was the last time you washed your hands?" It's likely it's been a while, like for example he might have washed it before entering his car or something... so I can just tell the person that he prolly has a gazillion germs on his hands atm lol... and that I have OCD. Maybe I could also avoid shaking hands by carrying some stuff on my hands, or wrapping my hands around a towel or something, or pretend to fix my burkha when a guy approaches me, or by sneezing at the critical moment so that they don't reach for my hands, etc.

These are just some ideas but I dunno what you guys are thinking... so I just wanna know if there are any other ideas on how to AVOID shaking hands. lol.

[Erinome]

How about you stop acting like a total weirdo and just shake hands? You're very hung up on people offending you, but you don't seem to give two flying shits if you offend other people. Refusing to shake someone's hand is offensive and stupid. Nobody decent wants to be around a fucking selfish bitch who won't shake people's hands because of absurd hang-ups.

[Cyberman]

I don't think you want to know precisely what I'm thinking at this point, Ninja. That is messed up on so many levels. What I will say though is not everything - or everybody - revolves around you. If you expect to be treated like a decent member of society you're going to have to treat others just as decently. I'm afraid that means coming into contact with other members of the human race from time to time. Not exactly what you asked for, but it's the best I've got for you.

[Jackalope]

1. Stop using toilet paper.
2. Stop washing your hands.

That ought to do it.

[Sciwoman]

Why are you asking a bunch of atheist how to further your religious delusion?

[Chuff]

Fuckin crazy
And our resident ninja seems to delight in telling us the extremes of her religious insanity.
You are beyond redemption, your mind will never be free - Your entire life is a merry-go-round of imagined rules and hangups and one day you will be dust just like the rest of us.

I'm sure you dont want pity, but I do feel sorry for you and you will never understand why

[5thHorseman]

'my cognitively disabled friends'

Glad you get irony.

[Aardverk]

Why not just bow - rather like a Japanese woman might bow?

If they keep offering their hand, keep on bowing. Better still, give up a religion which treats women as second class citizens.

[5thHorseman]

Yeh bow. It's the way to go, after all you are just a woman, we all know that your religion makes you second class, might as well act like it.

[kılıç_mehmet]

Vealeykümselam.
Well, I bear no real issues about whether to shake or not to shake hands, but I generally do not shake the hands of girls I barely know, outside the fact that they have a boyfriend.
I simply nod a greeting, they nod back.
With the rest, I shake hands, what really seems to be the problem?
If you do not want to shake hands, simply nod a greeting in their general direction. If they nod back, good. If not, good.