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coming out
#1
coming out
i've been an atheist since i was about 18, about 7 years now, and always avoided the thought of ever coming out to my parents and family, although i am very outspoken about my atheism with my friends and one cousin. over the last few months i've really been thinking about "coming out" to my parents and family--perhaps because my wife, son, and i are currently staying with them and they are always pushing religion any opportunity they have since i haven't been to church since i was 18. i am sure they have a feeling, but i've done my best to hide it because i love my family and i know they will be devastated, think they did something wrong, etc etc. i'm also sure they will bring up my piercings and tattoos and say that they have something to do with it, but i think it's actually the opposite--i chose to do these things because i never believed that there was anything wrong with it despite them saying i was going to hell for it.

does anyone have any tips for me? it will most likely not happen soon, and i know there isn't a "one size fits all" approach to this. i'm just wanting to kick ideas around in my head and plan it strategically to minimize the pain for me and for them. i recently listened to the thinking atheist podcast where seth discussed this topic, and i like the way he did it by writing an email to his family stating his reasoning, and he did it because it made it to where he could get his point across without being interrupted. i've also thought about doing a video and uploading it to Facebook or youtube and sending it to them for the same reason. i am open to discuss it with them, but i know that it won't be a mutually respectful conversation. my wife says i should do it in person, but i really don't know if there could be a happy ending if i did.

i don't know that i want to come out to my grandparents though, they are old and i don't want them to worry about me as i know they would.
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#2
RE: coming out
It depends more on them than you. No matter what you say they will only hear what they wish to hear.

P.S. - if you haven't been to some damned church in 7 years they already know something is up.
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#3
RE: coming out
Do not 'come out' until you are living independently. Do not.

I have no problem giving you my experience in this thread, but it will take a few words to explain. I'll leave it to you. I can do it here, or in a PM. I have no issues being public about it, just respecting the unspoken 'brevity' code.
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#4
RE: coming out



My coming out was rather spontaneous.

One afternoon when my mother and I were screaming at each other, she told me to go to hell, and so I shot back, "No, you go to hell, I don't believe in any of that God crap."


Smoooooooth....


I was already the black sheep of the family, so it didn't really matter, but probably not one of my finer moments. I presume you understand that this is not a recommendation of this approach...


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#5
RE: coming out
Please don't do it until you're living on your own. There's too much at stake to gamble you're housing away.
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#6
RE: coming out
(June 23, 2012 at 12:48 am)Minimalist Wrote: It depends more on them than you. No matter what you say they will only hear what they wish to hear.

P.S. - if you haven't been to some damned church in 7 years they already know something is up.
well they know that i don't agree with some of the things they teach there, and i've been honest about the fact that i was looked down on by the "elders" and many parents would try to keep their kids away from me and that's why i stopped going, and my parents are so into the whole thing that they are probably naive enough to think that i would never question god or the bible. it's one thing to not attend church, it's a whole other thing to deny god(in their eyes)
(June 23, 2012 at 1:44 am)cato123 Wrote: Do not 'come out' until you are living independently. Do not.

I have no problem giving you my experience in this thread, but it will take a few words to explain. I'll leave it to you. I can do it here, or in a PM. I have no issues being public about it, just respecting the unspoken 'brevity' code.
brevity is up to you, i don't mind long winded responses Smile and my wife and i are moving into our house this coming week, so i figured i'd start really thinking about how i want to do it. i've been talking to my wife about it since i started thinking about it and one of the first things i decided was that i'd definitely wait til we were out of their house.
(June 23, 2012 at 2:20 am)apophenia Wrote:


My coming out was rather spontaneous.

One afternoon when my mother and I were screaming at each other, she told me to go to hell, and so I shot back, "No, you go to hell, I don't believe in any of that God crap."


Smoooooooth....


I was already the black sheep of the family, so it didn't really matter, but probably not one of my finer moments. I presume you understand that this is not a recommendation of this approach...


haha yeah, i understand how that is. i'm surprised i never did it in the heat of the moment when we didn't get along. my parents and i get along really well now, unlike when i was younger and started wanting to "do my own thing" rather than being a cookie cutter "normal" looking person. i think that's why this decision has been so hard for me to decide to do it because it took a looooooong time for us to get to the point we're at and i know this will be a set-back.
(June 23, 2012 at 6:51 am)Annik Wrote: Please don't do it until you're living on your own. There's too much at stake to gamble you're housing away.

yup, and i really don't want to come off as disrespectful to them since it's their house. when we eat dinner(at home or in public) with them they make us pray, and i just bow my head and play along. they're already starting to try to teach my 19 month old son their ways, and it really bothers my wife and i. it gets rather annoying coming in the room hearing my mom sing "jesus loves me" almost every day. i had really planned on never coming out to them just to spare the hardship, but once i realized they were already starting to teach my son stuff i realized it would eventually come out when they will ask why we're not taking him to church and indoctrinating him.
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#7
RE: coming out
one day after i'd had enough bible bashing, i sat at the table we were eating lunch at and asked my mother and her husband if they thought (read: realized) that they're in a cult. i was glad they just laughed it off and told me no, then proceeded to explain what they believed and why. in my head nothing changed, and in theirs, now they knew i didn't believe. i still get father's day cards that bless me. Big Grin

they may be hurt any way you choose to tell them, but the sooner the better. get it out there and let the healing begin for them, nobody's getting younger. if you make it casual and not a speech, perhaps they at best won't think you're the "rabid" type. lol.
they can land a rover on mars, yet they still have to stick a human finger up my ass to do a prostate exam?! - ricky gervais
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#8
RE: coming out
(June 23, 2012 at 10:24 am)jackman Wrote: one day after i'd had enough bible bashing, i sat at the table we were eating lunch at and asked my mother and her husband if they thought (read: realized) that they're in a cult. i was glad they just laughed it off and told me no, then proceeded to explain what they believed and why. in my head nothing changed, and in theirs, now they knew i didn't believe. i still get father's day cards that bless me. Big Grin

they may be hurt any way you choose to tell them, but the sooner the better. get it out there and let the healing begin for them, nobody's getting younger. if you make it casual and not a speech, perhaps they at best won't think you're the "rabid" type. lol.

that's one of the dilemmas i'm facing with this. being casual is one thing, but the more i look into it, the more of a "rabid" type i am. i am becoming more and more anti-theist and anti religion every day.
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#9
RE: coming out
Coming out really depends on how your parents are. Do keep in mind that this will be the first experience they have with a child of theirs not having their faith so they may not know how to respond.

Just communicate your ideas clearly but don't explode on them. As far as waiting to come out vs. doing it now that really depends on what you know about your parents. My parents would never throw me out of the house, and didn't, because I did not believe what they did. Not everyone is as fortunate as I am though.

But I definitely think you should tell them because I also believe children should be able to be honest with their parents.
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#10
RE: coming out
(June 23, 2012 at 10:45 am)ohh EPiC FAiL Wrote:
(June 23, 2012 at 10:24 am)jackman Wrote: they may be hurt any way you choose to tell them, but the sooner the better. get it out there and let the healing begin for them, nobody's getting younger. if you make it casual and not a speech, perhaps they at best won't think you're the "rabid" type. lol.

that's one of the dilemmas i'm facing with this. being casual is one thing, but the more i look into it, the more of a "rabid" type i am. i am becoming more and more anti-theist and anti religion every day.

"Walk softly and carry a big stick." Oh, and, read Sun Tzu.


I understand the dilemma to an extent (and not, to the extent that I'm socially inept and not particularly wise in such things). But in a couple ways I wonder about the silence. You're their child, and in some sense, you're denying them the chance to know their real son/daughter — and you're old enough that the roles have changed, to where it's legitimate to ask whether you don't have some duty to parent them and give them a chance to grow. I know I'm being simplistic, but I'm just saying it as it comes. I live my life celibate. Part because I don't feel that need, but part because of mental illness. I'm frequently suicidal, and so even when I think I might want some companionship, I deny myself because of the very real possibility of getting involved with someone, and then leaving them to deal with the emotional trauma of my suicide. This is certainly realistic in one sense, but on the other hand, my Taoist principles encourage me not to try to control situations and other people; to have the respect for other people to let them make their own mistakes. And I have to ask myself whether I'm doing the right thing, by not letting any potential companion make up their own mind about whether they want to take that risk.

I don't know that I have a coherent point here. Maybe it's that being a good son/daughter sometimes means doing the right thing, even at the cause of some emotion and pain, because you and they are deserving of truth. (And yes, I realize this needs to be leavened with appropriate cautions, I'm just trying to get it out in some coherent form.)


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