The Last Movie You Watched

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘The Batman’. Good story that could have been turned into a great film if just two things had been done:

1. Cast someone other than Robert Pattinson. He’s just awful in this role.

2. Light. The. Fucking. Set.

Boru

[HappySkeptic]

‘The Batman’. Good story that could have been turned into a great film if just two things had been done:

...

2. Light. The. Fucking. Set.

Boru

But, he's the "dark" Knight.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘The Batman’. Good story that could have been turned into a great film if just two things had been done:

...

2. Light. The. Fucking. Set.

Boru

But, he's the "dark" Knight.

In this one, he was damned near The Invisible Man.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

Honestly, the older I get the more I think about The Matrix, the more I wonder why the fuck Morpheus and company are fighting to bring humanity into this dystopian real world. Especially after we rendered the surface of the planet uninhabitable.

On a less depressing note, I’ve only just now noticed that the “Matrix” scenes in the second half of the film are supposed to be Chicago. Even if there’s no sub station at State and Balbo. Just a bus station.

[Fake Messiah]

Honestly, the older I get the more I think about The Matrix, the more I wonder why the fuck Morpheus and company are fighting to bring humanity into this dystopian real world. Especially after we rendered the surface of the planet uninhabitable.

Or why did robots set Matrix in the computer world where people can use computers to go in and out of it? Instead they could have set it in ancient Egypt or medieval times.

[Rev. Rye]

Honestly, the older I get the more I think about The Matrix, the more I wonder why the fuck Morpheus and company are fighting to bring humanity into this dystopian real world. Especially after we rendered the surface of the planet uninhabitable.

Or why did robots set Matrix in the computer world where people can use computers to go in and out of it? Instead they could have set it in ancient Egypt or medieval times.

Because it was the peak of human civilization. Agent Smith explicitly stated this in the movie.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, R.O.T.O.R. Full disclosure, it turns out the version on Tubi is the Rifftrax version, but it turns out the whole movie is on YouTube, albeit in a copy that looks like it's been dubbed from a VHS.

• (2:06) Murder, rape, robbery, and Arson. That's a strangely generic headline, Bruce.
  
• (2:31) Robotic Offcer Tactical Operation Research. Who wants to bet the movie's going to forget that acronym?
  
• (3:00) I legit can't tell whether it's the VHS tape having bad tracking or if the camera's having a petit mal seizure.
  
• (9:19) October morning just outside Dallas, and it's broad daylight at 5 AM? 
  
• (12:12) Isn't this supposed to be a movie about a killer robot? Why are we going through this farmer's day?
  
• (14:36) Well, now we're getting to the robot. It only took, what, a sixth of the movie?
  
• (15:26) So, like Robocop, this has two main robots. There's R.O.T.O.R., the title character, and then there's Willard. And unlike ED-209 or Robocop, Willard is played by APD-2, who was actually a police robot. APD-2 was apparently part of the Addison, Texas police department, working mostly in PR, including leading the Addison Christmas Parade in 1986. Why the fuck can't I find more info about him?
  
• (16:36) This is the cheesy B-movie version of a movie that's (technically) part of the Criterion Collection, so why is this film the more pretentious sounding one?
  
• (17:30) Idea for a drinking game: every time you hear a Beach Boys reference in this one scene, take a shot. By the time the scene ends, you will likely be dead of alcohol poisoning.
  
• (17:46) Well, at least this movement is janky enough that I'd expect from a Robocop ripoff.
  
• (22:19) Please let this big discussion of the political machinations between the politicians and the roboticists actually mean something, like in Robocop.
  
• (24:37) Is it weird that I want to see two skeletons fucking? 
  
• (27:26) The robot wants the rest of his partner's fries? I can't be certain that Willard was originally written as a human but made into a robot when they found out there was an actual Robocop in the area and decided to incorporate it into the movie.
  
• (29:44) Do Willard's arms even work?
  
• (29:56) Yes it is. Even if it was apparently originally just planned to be a police comedy called Blue Steel.
  
• (31:31) Why does the Native American guy sound black?
  
• (32:18) 1) The Blood Eagle is a (likely mythical) Norse method of execution, not Apache. 2) What you're describing is dismemberment, which is a very different method from the Blood Eagle. 3) That's also a European method of execution.
  
• (37:53) What is it with this movie and timestamping everything?
  
• (40:48) So, now it looks like ROTOR is doing something. 
  
• (47:17) Yep, ROTOR executed a guy for fucking speeding. Is it weird that the thing that shocks me about this is the victim being white?
  
• (47:40) So, it looks like ROTOR's disabled by the use of a car horn? And she doesn't even figure this out?
  
• (49:30) Gee, good thing ROTOR didn't think to use his gun. Also, why isn't he calling for backup?
  
• (54:23)  So, they got far enough in their research that ROTOR can see the fucking past?
  
• (55:05) So, it's Reserve now instead of Research? And why does the font in this text interface look keep changing fonts?
  
• (57:42) Justice served, Cash on Demand?
  
• (62:04) So, Dallas rednecks just hate cops? Though maybe they saw the leather daddy look ROTOR's latched onto and assumed he's gay. Still doesn't explain why they're dumb enough to think attacking a cop is a good idea.
  
• (64:08) ROTOR moves very slow for some reason. Is that the only way they could think of to remind the audience he's a robot?
  
• (75:10) Gee, it's almost like creating a robot and adding the tagline "To Protect and Execute" was a bad idea.
  
• (76:50) Apparently, ROTOR has been on his killing spree for a bit shy of a week.
  
• (79:20) And they're recapping the last half hour now? 
  
• (81:20) Okay, I have no idea what ROTOR's even saying. They dubbed over half the cast, and they couldn't bother to get someone who didn't sound like he has an entire bag of marbles in his mouth?
  

So, next week is going to be Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. I've never watched any of the other films in the series. All I know is it's bad enough to kill off the franchise and that the guy who made the Bratz movie directed this.

• The first obstacle in this obstacle course is going through a subway turnstile?
  
• Humility is the biggest lesson for a ninja to learn? You do know that ninja were the less honourable class of warriors in Japan, right? 
  
• It's not every day that a kid's show ends their series by explaining that the network doesn't give a shit about them. That shit's the reason we never got to saw the ending of The Angry Beavers.
  
• Is that Jim Varney playing Hans Gruber? And why does his army include a Rastaman, Tina Turner, and Hurley from Lost?
  
• It looks like the latest iteration of Fartcopter is improved from the previous one. 
  
• Man, that copyright-evader of a "That's What I like About You" cover sounds anemic as fuck.
  
• Why are these terrorists taking over a theme park? And why is not-Tina Turner announcing her takeover with the Miranda warning? And how does the security not notice them until long after they've taken over? 
  
• So, your plan is to threaten to increase the speeds on the rides unless the owner pays you a ransom? And threatening a shitton of lawsuits due to your own malfeasance? Do they not think that people are going to know that a terrorist group took over the park? And do they think that they're not going to be on the hook for that?
  
• I legit don't know if that Cowboy fight was supposed to be part of the show or part of the terrorist group. Their members are random enough, and if they were just part of the show, why the fuck did the camera pan up to them?
  
• So that's what Shane McGowan was doing while the Pogues were on Hiatus.
  
• Seriously? They have to be told someone's taken over the park after they had to have a big ninja fight? Does that normally happen to them when they go to amusement parks? Crap, the answer's yes, isn't it?
  
• That's a pretty good Walkie-Talkie system if it can broadcast well beyond the park.
  
• So Jim Varney has more people in Pan-African colours working for him?
  
• And now they're turning Mega Mountain into a safer version of Action Park?
  
• This girl packed a fucking arsenal for a trip to an amusement park. Does anyone else miss the 90s?
  
• I swear, that gondola ride's reminding me of that story I heard about from a Nexpo video about the mom who went off her meds and swung her baby on a swing until he died for almost two days straight.
  
• Check this Oot? Is that supposed to be Jamaican or Newfoundlander?
  
• The password is God? Even by the standards of the mid-90s, that has to be really easy to crack.
  
• And to think that somewhere, there's a pedo who's disappointed that we didn't get to see the kid piss his pants, just the aftereffects.
  
• And to think he can probably just afford to get some other cash and not cry over losing a $10 bill.
  
• And we end on another homage to Kubrick's The Killing.
  
  
  
• Is not-Tina Turner going to molest that girl?
  
• I remember when Hulk Hogan made a cameo in Muppets from Space and he still actually did more than this movie he starred in. 
  
• Why does the slow-motion make this climactic fight look so shit? 
  

Next week is going to be Sandra Bullock's debut film Hangmen.

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Hangmen. It's apparently the film debut of an actress named Sandra Bullock. Also, she plays alongside Jake LaMotta. Yes, the guy DeNiro played in Raging Bull.

• Incredible, the very first thing I noticed about this movie is that it's the sort of movie where you need the captions on to tell whether a sound is the roar of an airplane engine or the hiss of the VHS this was no doubt transferred from.
  
• Wow. All that guy needed to do was just move his machine gun around and he managed to kill four or five people. Didn't even need to fire the damn thing more than twice before the floor got all bloody. I mean, look, three of those bodies have pools of blood around them and he only fired two shots. And two other people are still dead.
  
• So, here's what I think happened in that opening scene: the guy somehow managed to only fire two bullets. Somehow, the gun shots managed to get through two or three people (depending on which bullet was fired), and then finally ended up in two of the others, which explains how two bullets can create five dead bodies, and leave three blood puddles. Either that or they're just that shit.  
  
• And the first glimpse we get of her is one guy hassling her over sex, and a second guy making jokes about raping her. She's somehow more okay with the latter. 
  
• So now we get to see how the college plot and the spy movie plot get together.
  
• He didn't even lock the fucking bathroom door? Not even to escape?
  
• Is there going to be a single believable gunshot in this movie? 
  
• Did they just try and do a lawsuit-friendly version of Pink Floyd's "One of these Days?"
  
• Dog Thompson? That's a name I haven't heard in years. Or am I thinking about Dog Chapman?
  
• I was Mrs. Greene?
  
• You know, good thing the audio in this is so shit, otherwise Mom's screams of terror would actually be believable. And it's not even the kind of shit audio that screams "Oh, we just happened to be recording this when something disturbing happened."
  
• Just tell them I'm here. Even though I'm currently on the run and have people coming after me for no good reason.
  
• Don't shoot in the Junkyard, Coldplay are making a music video there!
  
• I've always wanted to make this reference, and, fortunately, they're finally giving me an opportunity:
  
  
  
• People don't go around killing people for no reason? I'm subscribed to a bunch of true crime channels with living proof that this premise is bullshit.
  
• This kid is just randomly assembling a group of his Dad's 'Nam buddies to defeat this spy ring. Why the fuck not?
  
• Okay, it looks like they actually managed to kill the fuck out of that pillow. Just not the two random people fucking in the bed. Funny thing, I recently discovered a channel called The Kino Corner, and he has multiple videos about, of all films, Christopher Nolan's Following. It was his first film and it had a budget of about $6000, all of which was spent on film stock. And, because of this limitation, there was nothing left for special effects, so, instead of guns, the big weapons used in that movie are ordinary hammers that they had lying around. Meanwhile, this is a movie with a real gun fetish, but almost nothing to make the gunplay look real. That's one Hell of a deadly combination.
  
• And now we're back to Sandra Bullock. And all of a sudden, it's mid-winter now.
  
• Does that guy keep a lollipop in his gun case? Nope, that's apparently supposed to be a blow dart, one that looks even worse than the guns.
  
• I can understand keeping the part where Sandra Bullock's succumbing to the tranquiliser dart's effects in slo-mo, but why the kidnapping, and why the parts that aren't from her point of view?
  
• The Vietcong gave him that rifle? Or maybe they just took it from them, since apparently the AK-47 was far more reliable than the guns the US military was issuing at that time.
  
• Why is that guy Australian?
  
• Jesus Fuck, I've never used a gun in my life and even I know that you don't point the barrel of a gun at people, especially if you're just pretending.
  
• Brillo Head? That's an ethnic slur I've never heard before.
  
• Well, that scene with Jake LaMotta is easily the best part of the movie.
  
• Man, someone just shot up Pile Of Electronics State.
  
• The chiaroscuro lighting in this big warehouse fight would work a lot better if there were more chiaro and a bit less scuro. Just enough so I could tell what the fuck is happening. Maybe this looked better in 1987, but I doubt it.
  
• What tapes are you talking about? The version of this movie where we can actually understand the dialogue?
  

And next week is going to be a big movie with zero excuse to be this bad: the 2002 remake of Swept Away.  It's been close to two years since I saw her first movie A Certain Sacrifice and decided it was the worst movie I had ever seen. And now, we're bookending her career with another film that's Deep Hurting Project levels of bad.