Feeling like dying

[feeling]

I feel like I'm getting murdered. I was born. And I found happiness. But my grandfather was destroying it with his behavior.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by my mothers stupid decisions.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by people in my school.
Then I found happiness. And it was destroyed by few people.
Then I found a little sense of safety and good feeling. And it was fucking destroyed by few people. Fuuuuuuuck.

So then I decided to buy a gun and shoot myself in the head. But oooooh there is this fear of hell creeping in.
Can't even shoot myself. Interesting.
Btw I can't seem to find happiness anymore. Seems like everything is burned.
Also there are bunch of people who make my life not possible to live and if I would kill those people tonight(which is impossible even if I wanted to) I would live much easier.

But what I hate most is that people put shit inside my brain. I found happiness and people always find a way to get under my skin and destroy it. But shooting myself in the head does seem like a possible idea since I REALLY doubt god would send me to hell even if he would exist.
Besides if I do shoot myself in the head god would know why I did it. I would not need to explain anything to him.
Besides if he would torture me for suicide he would torture me in any case probly.

But I do feel sadness cause I see lots of negativity.
I met some very bad people. And I also stumbled upon a video where people were ruining another persons life. Just for the lulz. I felt kind of sad. But what I do hate about this world is the cause and effect.
That bad thing that is done can't be undone. I hate it. And I hate the stupid people around. They fill me with their poisonous shit. They infect my brain with it. But I do have hope for this human race. Cause when I see some people I love(Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris to name a few but there are many others) I feel like it will be good. Not now. But far far away in future. Maybe in 1000 years. People will figure everything out. But I am afraid I am not part of that future. I lost track. But dying is a little bit scary. Especially when it's suicide and all the bullshit that people say about it.

Also I hate my mother. If not for her I would not be who I am(and I like who I am I just feel like I am getting murdered by bunch of people and bad information). But if not for her bad things would not happen to me. I would simply avoid those things. I always come up with good solutions when it's too late.
I didn't tell people to fuck off enough. I listened to them too much.
And I'm like "ok from now on I will find a way" but no something gets fucked up again. FAIL!

Right now I feel a little bit awful. Like there was good treasure which I lost and will never find. Oh I hate that feeling so much. If I was never born it would be a better option. But yeah here we are. I think that's it for now.

There is too much confusion, negativity and bullshit in this world. Too much yo. I can't find a way around it.
And I think I want to kill religious people. I feel they poison me to. The hate the hate.
It's also funny that religious people have lots of hate in them as well. But I guess they got god who backs them up.
I apologize for random style but I can't find other way to say it.

[Kayenneh]

I hate to point out the obvious, but if you're not seeing anyone professional in the field of mental health, you should do so.

[feeling]

I hate to point out the obvious, but if you're not seeing anyone professional in the field of mental health, you should do so.

I see them. Anything else?
It's just that there are things I hate. And if those things would not be around I would be happy. It seems like people make life hard for each other. If they would not it would be so much more simple.

[freedomfromforum]

If you are seriously considering suicide, then you should go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. There are also 24/7 resources for conversation if you are in need, or have a crisis situation (do a Google search). On a more direct note... It sounds like you give others the power to create and destroy your sense of happiness. You, are the source of your own emotions - not others. The only time when others have such power over you is when you have willingly surrendered it to them. There is no shame in asking for help - if you need it, you should seek it out.

[feeling]

If you are seriously considering suicide, then you should go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. There are also 24/7 resources for conversation if you are in need, or have a crisis situation (do a Google search). On a more direct note... It sounds like you give others the power to create and destroy your sense of happiness. You, are the source of your own emotions - not others. The only time when others have such power over you is when you have willingly surrendered it to them. There is no shame in asking for help - if you need it, you should seek it out.

Well apparently they do manage to affect me somehow. For instance there was an activity. And I was happy doing it. And I was like "Ok I can do this for the rest of my life". Then 2 christians came along and kept telling me that what I did is pointless and stupid. I lost the desire do to that activity and feel like it's all pointless. I have bad things happening to me for a long time and this activity was my hope. Like a flower growing. And people are stepping on it. And I fucking hate it. But yeah lives are fragile. So easy to destroy. Not just my life but others. I really don't like this. It's the cause and effect that I hate.
Also I feel alone because everybody around me is christian who thinks I'm going to hell. I really don't like that either. Tired of that kind of shit. Why can't all those people just die.

Besides if I do take my life there will be one less atheist in the world. Christians sort of win a little bit and it will be harder for the new atheists cause there will be less of them and more of Christians. Tough world lol.
But there are other things which ruin my life. Small things but they will not go away. That's what I hate to. There are many things that can't be changed once they do happen.
But I am confused now. I lost all the things I liked. What made me happy does not make me happy anymore. I feel like those people did kill me with their words and actions.

There are many other things I want to say but I will not. Maybe in private.

[freedomfromforum]

Then 2 christians came along and kept telling me that what I did is pointless and stupid.

Christians are only humans, capable of saying, and doing hurtful things.

I lost the desire do to that activity and feel like it's all pointless. I have bad things happening to me for a long time and this activity was my hope.

The activity itself was your hope, or others showing approval of/appreciation for it was your hope?

Like a flower growing. And people are stepping on it. And I fucking hate it.

Does the flower grow to impress others, or is it merely its expression of life? My guess is that the flower is unaware of the trespasses of others.

[feeling]

Also it's funny that sometimes I can avoid listening to the harmful shit by telling people to fuck off and blocking them or whatnot but for some reason I always do it when it's too late. And it is for everything. All the bad shit that happened before could easily be avoided. But too late. And often you think that it can't get worse but it does. I don't like that either.
These pricks always seem to find a way to get under my skin. Till there is nothing left under beneath it.

And no I did the activity because I liked doing the activity and found meaning in it. But others convinced me that it's pointless.

The flower is expression of what gives me meaning and happiness. And how it gets obliterated.
In that case it was that activity.

[freedomfromforum]

And no I did the activity because I liked doing the activity and found meaning in it. But others convinced me that it's pointless.

The flower is expression of what gives me meaning and happiness. And how it gets obliterated.
In that case it was that activity.

Perhaps you can find another activity that brings you joy and meaning, and a peer group that will be supportive.

[pineapplebunnybounce]

How old are you?

Do you live alone?

[feeling]

And no I did the activity because I liked doing the activity and found meaning in it. But others convinced me that it's pointless.

The flower is expression of what gives me meaning and happiness. And how it gets obliterated.
In that case it was that activity.

Perhaps you can find another activity that brings you joy and meaning, and a peer group that will be supportive.

That's what I thought before. But it seems impossible now. It's hard to explain this thought but it's there. I think I think too much about what people say. You can call me weak for that maybe.

Not to mention there are some other things which get in my way. There are few people in this world who sort of make it impossible for me to be where I want to be. I can explain but I'd rather not.