joke time

[Ravenshire]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(WIP. Best answer gets big kudos and a sloppy kiss from Losty!)

Attempt #1

None, they like being kept in the dark.

:o

Only if the winner is GBD
Otherwise I have other prizes to offer but I'm not really big on kissing.

[Zack]

What's the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer nuts. They're under a buck.

[Thumpalumpacus]

While on a business trip to Rome, the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted an audience with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he says to the Holy Father, "Your Holiness, I've come with a business proposition for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate 100 million dollars to the church if you'll change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

Taken aback, the Pope responds, "My son, we cannot do that. The prayer is the word of God. It must not be changed from how it is written in the holy scriptures."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we'll increase our offer to 300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

Again, the Pope replies, "It is simply not in our power, my son. As I have said, this prayer represents the immutable word of God and cannot be changed under any circumstance. Not one jot or tittle may be altered."

Finally, the Tyson president says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate 500 million dollars — that's half a billion dollars — to the great Roman Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. You don't have to give your final answer now, but please consider it." With that, he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church is about to come into 500 million dollars." "And what is the bad news, Holy Father?" asks a Cardinal.

The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

100. 1 to change it, and 99 to whinge about how much better Clapton would have done it.

Boru

[Cyberman]

When I was a kid, my parents would sit and listen to Cliff Richard all night.

Instead of doing something useful like coming into my room and stopping him.

[Nine]

Thats fucked up

[ignoramus]

OMG! I LOVE it!! I'm stealing this!

You've not heard that one?

And a deer with no eyes and no legs is still no idea.

And finally, a deer with no arms or legs or balls or eyes?

Still no fucking idea?

[Thumpalumpacus]

How do you know it's a singer on your porch?
He comes in whenever he feels like it.

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they can't read the instructions.

---

Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says. "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot.

"Ok", shouts the hunter, "now what?"

[downbeatplumb]

I sold my vacuum cleaner.

It was just gathering dust.

[FatAndFaithless]

I sold my vacuum cleaner.

It was just gathering dust.

Vacuum cleaners suck.