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RE: joke time
July 10, 2015 at 5:40 pm
(This post was last modified: July 10, 2015 at 5:44 pm by IATIA.)
A Mom goes to pick up her child by taxi. As they are headed home, they pass through one of the seeder parts of town.
The little girl sees some prostitutes standing on the corner and asks Mom what they were doing.
Mom says that they were waiting on their husbands. Just about then, the taxi driver jumps in and says, "Why don't you tell your little girl the truth? Don't you think she can handle it?"
Glaring, Mom starts to explain what the women were doing there and when she was finished, the little girl asks Mom, "What happens to the babies?"
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
July 10, 2015 at 7:26 pm
Joe Billy called the FBI and told them his neighbor, Billy Bob, might be hiding marijuana in his fire wood.
So they send agents to Billy Bob's house and hack up his fire wood. Not finding any marijuana they leave with a stern warning.
Then Joe Billy comes by and asks Billy Bob if the FBI came by.
Billy Bob: Yep.
Joe Billy: Did they chop up the fire wood?
Billy Bob: Yep.
Joe Billy: Happy Bithday, Billy Bob!
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
July 13, 2015 at 8:45 pm
A True Story.
Everyone in the family liked to ask this five-year-old boy to bring them a glass of water because it was always sparkling cold when he brought it.
So one day some church ladies came by and the mother asked the little boy to bring them some water. Which he promptly did.
Church Lady: Oh he’s so cute. And the water is so cold. How do you get it so sparkling cold?
Little Boy: Water in the toilet is always cold.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
July 18, 2015 at 6:25 am
A horse walks into a pub and the barman says, 'Why the long face?'
The horse, unable to understand English (and further unable to comprehend why he's in a pub in the first place), immediately panics and begins to run about the place, kicking and smashing everything in his path. He eventually makes it outside, where he is instantly run over by a bus and killed.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
July 18, 2015 at 7:09 am
Part of my clock snapped off!
So I went to the second hand shop.
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RE: joke time
July 18, 2015 at 1:10 pm
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
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RE: joke time
August 6, 2015 at 7:32 am
(This post was last modified: August 6, 2015 at 7:32 am by ignoramus.)
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
August 7, 2015 at 2:06 pm
Quote:Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness the Pope.
He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.
After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
"This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
"In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
"Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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RE: joke time
August 7, 2015 at 5:38 pm
When I was 17, I was barred from going to confession. The priest got tired of having to schedule lunch breaks.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
August 9, 2015 at 6:09 am
So farewell then, 'Our Cilla', swept up to heaven to become 'god's Cilla'.
I'd recommend everyone steering clear of Tokyo for the forseeable future.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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