joke time

[Cyberman]

[Rhondazvous]

He's Gotta Have It

A man was coming home from work one day. It was a long 2 hour commute. Half way home he started feeling…well…horny. There’s just no other word for it. He was hard up, throbbing against the back of his zipper. His balls were blue, his collar was tight. He had it bad and he knew that wasn’t good. He also knew that he was not going to make it. Not another hour. He just couldn’t bear it.

He noticed he was driving past a pumpkin patch. So he stopped the car. Got out, picked up a pumpkin and started going to town on it. A cop came to see what he was doing.
Cop: Why are you screwing that pumpkin?
Man: (looking down in shock) Is it midnight already?

[IATIA]

I will give one rep each to the first three people who can give me the best rendition of a classic Minimalist response to this level of idiocy. One a piece and no repeats.

Must have been a xtian republicunt and expected god to buy the ticket.

[Cyberman]

One of these days I'm going to write on a huge cement block, "by accepting this brick through your window, you accept it as is and agree to my disclaimer of all warranties, express or implied, as well as disclaimers of all liability, direct, indirect, consequential or incidental, that may arise from the installation of this brick into your building," and then hurl it through the window of Microsoft's main offices.

[Rhondazvous]

One of these days I'm going to write on a huge cement block, "by accepting this brick through your window, you accept it as is and agree to my disclaimer of all warranties, express or implied, as well as disclaimers of all liability, direct, indirect, consequential or incidental, that may arise from the installation of this brick into your building," and then hurl it through the window of Microsoft's main offices.

Bill Gates died and was standing before the pearly gates.
St. Peter: I don’t know what to do about you, Bill. You benefited the whole world. Putting a personal computer into almost every home. But you invented that ghastly Windows 8. Tell you what. I’m going to do what I’ve never done. I’m going to let you decide if you want to go to heaven or hell.
Bill: What’s the difference?
So St. Peter took him down to hell. There were sandy white beaches, clear water, azure skies and beautiful women in bikinis and thongs. Then they went up to heaven where there were angels floating around on clouds playing harps.
Bill: This is nice but not as exciting as hell.
So Bill Gates went to hell. After a couple of weeks St. Peter went to check on him. There was Bill chained to the wall of a cave with demons poking him with pitchforks and burning fires licking his knees.
Bill: Hey Pete, what is this? This is not the hell you showed me. Where are the beautiful women and sandy white beaches?
St. Peter: Oh that was just the demo. The released version still has a few bugs in it.

[ignoramus]

Let's just all be grateful that M$ doesn't write the software for commercial airlines yet!

[Cyberman]

Like this, you mean:

[Cyberman]

Bratwurst
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter

Schindler's mum's list.

[IATIA]

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript

[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.] [Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"

[Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us ?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard] "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

[Riker] "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers!!"

[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."


(Page provided by Austin child portraiture photographer, Brian Combs.)

[Minimalist]

The other night, my wife asked me how many women
I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you. 
All the others kept me awake all night!"
 
 
 
 My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the
 front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful
death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "...So now you want me to stay!"