Posts: 190
Threads: 7
Joined: July 6, 2013
Reputation:
18
RE: joke time
November 3, 2015 at 12:05 am
At the Passover Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, Mass., stands up and proclaims "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
Posts: 3676
Threads: 354
Joined: April 12, 2015
Reputation:
42
RE: joke time
November 3, 2015 at 11:41 am
While perusing the real estate section of the newspaper, Betty was surprised to see an ad for condos. As important as she knew it was, she still thought $15,000 was a lot of money to pay for safe sex.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Posts: 3676
Threads: 354
Joined: April 12, 2015
Reputation:
42
RE: joke time
November 3, 2015 at 1:56 pm
(November 2, 2015 at 10:05 pm)ignoramus Wrote: ^^^^^
hehe.... send me a Christian! Just the head will do.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
Posts: 28389
Threads: 226
Joined: March 24, 2014
Reputation:
185
RE: joke time
November 4, 2015 at 11:52 pm
Remembering spaces is important xD
![[Image: 10527517_10151995873134159_6032410079328...e=56BBB8D4]](https://scontent-dfw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/10527517_10151995873134159_6032410079328761876_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=80ccd7b425542d5710d8f555ef61f8a2&oe=56BBB8D4)
(August 21, 2017 at 11:31 pm)KevinM1 Wrote: "I'm not a troll"
Religious Views: He gay
0/10
Hammy Wrote:and we also have a sheep on our bed underneath as well
Posts: 43162
Threads: 720
Joined: September 21, 2008
Reputation:
133
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 12:37 am
Deja Vu! 
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 5:24 am
(This post was last modified: November 5, 2015 at 5:26 am by Cyberman.)
The most disconcerting thing about owls is the way they maintain eye contact with you while they're in the microwave.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 23020
Threads: 26
Joined: February 2, 2010
Reputation:
106
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 5:35 am
(November 2, 2015 at 9:58 pm)Minimalist Wrote: An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
*beerspray*
Posts: 46049
Threads: 538
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 5:40 am
On the subject of cooking birds, this is from 'The Eskimo Cookbook'. Entire recipe for loon soup:
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 25314
Threads: 239
Joined: August 26, 2010
Reputation:
156
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 8:53 am
My Coleslaw Recipe
by Emo Philips
1. Chop cabbage into large bowl.
2. Look for green peppers.
3. Drive to store.
4. Choose green peppers.
5. Carry them to cashier.
6. Drive home.
7. Find wallet.
8. Drive to store.
9. Buy green peppers.
10. Drive home.
11. Chop green peppers into bowl.
12. Look for mayonnaise.
13. Drive to store.
14. Buy mayonnaise.
15. Drive home.
16. Mix mayonnaise into bowl.
17. Look for raisins.
18. Drive to store.
19. Buy stupid raisins.
20. Ignore stupid cashier's snickering.
21. Drive home.
22. Mix raisins into bowl.
23. Look for miserable lousy stupid carrots.
24. Drive to stupid lousy store.
25. Buy miserable stupid lousy carrots.
26. Call stupid miserable snickering cashier a Nazi.
27. Crawl to car.
28. Drive home.
29. Chop stupid damned miserable lousy carrots into damned stupid lousy miserable bowl.
30. Look for finger.
31. Look harder for finger.
32. Look everywhere for finger.
33. See cat scurrying away.
34. Follow cat into new neighbor's house, surprising him in middle of drug deal.
35. Dive over sofa to escape gunfire, landing on cat's tail, causing cat to screech and jump up into new neighbor's face and claw his eyes as he's bending over the sofa about to shoot you, enabling you to grab the gun from his hand, enabling you to hold the gun on him until the cops arrive, who then arrest him and drive you and the cat to the hospital where the cat's stomach is pumped and your finger is found and sewn back on good as new.
36. Collect reward of half of neighbor's property from drug auction, then just buy all the delicious coleslaw you want from a nice deli.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
Posts: 43162
Threads: 720
Joined: September 21, 2008
Reputation:
133
RE: joke time
November 5, 2015 at 9:52 am
LMFAO epic!!!!!!!
|
