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RE: joke time
March 16, 2016 at 7:23 pm
What is the difference between Joan Crawford and the Titanic?
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
March 16, 2016 at 7:26 pm
Hands up everyone who expected a seamen joke there.
No, hands up in the air...
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
March 17, 2016 at 3:36 am
Semi-obscure tangential Titanic joke:
What's a 'Belfast culchie'?
Someone who can't see the H&W cranes from their sitting room window.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
March 17, 2016 at 6:03 pm
Quote: TIPS FROM THE TRUMP FAN BOOK OF MANNERS
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR
HOME
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records.
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RE: joke time
March 18, 2016 at 3:24 am
(This post was last modified: March 18, 2016 at 3:25 am by IATIA.)
A well to do traveling salesman checks in at a fancy hotel.
He is escorted to his room and shown all the amenities.
The salesman generously tips the bellhop.
As the bellhop turns to leave, he asks if there is anything else that he could do.
“Yeah. I need a woman.”
“Not problem, any particulars?”
“I would like a blonde, about six foot tall and around 90 pounds.”
“That’s a bit unique, but I will see what I can do.”
About 2 hours later, there is a knock at the door.”
The salesman opens the door and standing there is a blonde, about six foot tall and around 90 pounds.
“Come on in.”
The woman steps in the room and the salesman closes the door.
“I would like you to undress and get down on all fours.”
The woman smiles and does as she is asked.
The salesman leaves the room and moments later comes back with a Weimaraner.
While looking at he dog, he points at the woman.
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
March 19, 2016 at 2:26 am
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
March 19, 2016 at 2:42 pm
Quote:A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
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RE: joke time
March 21, 2016 at 4:14 am
A biologist is taking his little son on a drive through a nature reserve, one of those place where the animals roam about while you (hopefully) stay in the car.
Looking out of the window, the wee one sees a lion licking another lion's bum. 'Daddy,' he asks, 'what's that lion doing?'
Glancing over, the father says, 'Nothing much - he's just eaten a creationist and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
March 22, 2016 at 7:08 pm
The pilot of a one engine private jet had to make an emergency landing on an air force base. The officers there didn’t believe his story and kept him for investigation all night. In the morning they hadn’t found evidence that he was a spy but told him he must never return and warned him of dire consequences if he ever did; so the pilot flew away. But a few hours later the same plane landed on the base again only now there were two people in the plane.
Captain: Didn’t we tell you to never return?
Pilot: Yes.
Captain: And didn’t we warn you of dire consequences if you ever did?
Pilot: That you did.
Captain: Then why on earth did you return?
Pilot: I know what you said you would do to me, but this is my wife in here with me. You’ve got to tell her where I was last night.
The god who allows children to be raped out of respect for the free will choice of the rapist, but punishes gay men for engaging in mutually consensual sex couldn't possibly be responsible for an intelligently designed universe.
I may defend your right to free speech, but i won't help you pass out flyers.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
--Voltaire
Nietzsche isn't dead. How do I know he lives? He lives in my mind.
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RE: joke time
March 22, 2016 at 7:51 pm
(This post was last modified: March 22, 2016 at 7:53 pm by IATIA.)
Newly wed couple just arrived at their hotel suite.
He was a big ol’ potbellied redneck from way back and she was a sweet southern belle.
Eager to commensurate the marriage, the good ol’ boy hollers, “Bitch, get those clothes off!”.
Stunned, she starts undressing.
He takes his shirt off while she is taking off her blouse and as she is taking off her skirt, the good ol’ boy already has his pants off and throws them across the bed to her.
“Try those on for size!”
She grabs the pants and tries them on, but they are too big and baggy. The takes them off and tosses them back.
“I don’t know what you want, but I can’t wear those pants.”
“That’s right bitch and you just remember who wears the pants in this family!”
She pulls her panties down and throws them across the bed to him and says, “Try those on.”.
He grabs the panties and tries pulling them up, but they are to small for his legs and he rips them off and tosses them back to her.
“Bitch, I can’t get into those.”
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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