joke time

[ignoramus]

Here's one for Rob and us old blokes!
(I forgot about smashing the car up in the bonus round)

[Edwardo Piet]

Dumb question:

Are you entitled to hate Mondays if you are unemployed?

Of course

[Darinda]

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out,  watched the performance,  then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.


The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that  test.'

[Edwardo Piet]

Carl turned up at the dentist.

"I think I'm a moth."

"What?"

"I think I'm a moth."

"You think... you're a moth?"

"Yes."

"You need a psychiatrist pal, not a dentist."

"Oh, I know that."

"Well you clearly don't otherwise you wouldn't be hanging around in a dentist saying you're a moth!"

"No, no I do know that."

"What, you know you need a psychiatrist but you just want to hang around in a dentist just for shits and giggles?! "

"No, I know I need a psychiatrist, and I don't need you because you're just a dentist. But I am not hanging around here just for the fun of it at all. It's not like that all."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I'm a moth."

"Look fuckface: I know you've told me you think you're a fucking moth but why the arse are you here?!"

"Well, the light was on."

[Minimalist]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
gift of our time.
 
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One
day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty 
lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all 
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
 
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less 
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them 
while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and 
there to make her feel important.
 
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 
ten dollars.
 
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 
"pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
 
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked 
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
 
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the 
new house next door to us."
 
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again 
this week, too?"
 
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall.”

[Little lunch]

Ignoramus, the street fighter vid was fucking brilliant.
Thanks for that.

[Little lunch]

I was late for work today and my boss yells, 'You should have been here at 8.30!"
I said, "Why?" What happened at 8.30?"

[Little lunch]

The best way to be passive aggressive is to order a 'Worst Trophy Shop' trophy from a trophy shop and never pick it up.

[Rhondazvous]

A preacher was driving home late one night after preaching 3 service and a baptism and baby dedications for the first Sunday of the month. He was bone tired, fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into a tree.
Cop: Are you okay, Reverend?
Preacher: Yes, I’m fine. I’ve got god in here with me.
Cop: well you better let him out before you kill him.

[The Valkyrie]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make
you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
gift of our time.
 
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One
day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty 
lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all 
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
 
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less 
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them 
while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and 
there to make her feel important.
 
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 
ten dollars.
 
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 
"pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
 
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked 
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
 
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the 
new house next door to us."
 
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again 
this week, too?"
 
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall.”