joke time

[Minimalist]

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses
you." Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

[Rhondazvous]

Husband: Honey, you're getting kinda fluffy. Maybe you should come off of that seefood diet.
wife: Seafood diet? What're you talking about?
Husband: You know, every time you see food, you eat it.

[ignoramus]

A man was was constantly fearing that there was a killer hiding under his bed.
He would wake up many times during the night with panic attacks.
This went on for years!

He decided to go see a shrink.
The shrink said he could cure him over 20 sessions at $120 per session.

Anyway, the shrink calls him after 3 months and asks why he hadn't heard from him?
The man says, it's OK, the bartender cured me for nothing!

What! What did he say, asked the shrink?

He said: The bartender just told me to cut the legs off the bed...

[Minimalist]

Walk With Me While I Age

 
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.   Walk with me while I age - worth the read.

 
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
SHIT  ......                                                                          

 
  I forgot the words.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I heard that two radio aerials got married. The wedding ceremony was a disaster, but the reception was fantastic.

Boru

[ignoramus]

It's official!
The penis, which forever held the record for the most handheld device has finally been overtaken by the smartphone!

(I would've thought that those who walk around all day with their phone in their hand are the bigger wankers anyway)

[ApeNotKillApe]

A peasant approaches the Emperor Commodus.
'Sire,' the man prostrates himself, 'there is terrible suffering in Rome. Plague is rampant among the poorest of your people, killing young and old alike. I plead, great Caesar, what will you do to aid the sick and the dying?'

'Nothing,' replies Commodus.

Shocked, the man looks up to Caesar, his eyes wide with desperation.

'Have you ever held a loved one sick with plague, sire?'

'No,' Commodus says, 'But if you question me again, you will.'

[chimp3]

A man operates a kosher deli across from the U.N. in NYC. He does not like Arabs. 

One day a Saudi Arabian walks in and orders 10 roast beef sandwiches. The owner makes them and does not want the Saudi to come back so he charges the Saudi $15 a sandwich. The Saudi pays.

The next day , same Saudi. Same order.This time he charges the Saudi $25 for each sandwich. The Saudi pays.

The third day , again with the same order. This time he charges the Saudi $50 each sandwich. The Saudi pays without hesitation.

The fourth day the owner puts a sign in the window "No Jews Allowed".

[ignoramus]

---

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I think Jesus just spoke to me in my head!
He said "I was to die for!"

I said: piss off ya poof!

[vorlon13]

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.