joke time

[Cyberman]

Sorry Stim, I can't see the humour!

Ouch!

[Cyberman]

It's kinda like when I took off my shoe to kill a nail.

Ouch!!

[HairyCyclist]

Quasimodo "Whiskey please"
Barman      "Bells aright"
Quasimodo "Mind your own business"

[Cyberman]

The first draft of The Hunchback Of Notre-Dame, recently discovered, ends with Quasimido and Frollo fighting in the belltower. Frollo grabs Quasi, slams his face again and again into Emmanuel, the biggest bell, stunning him and causing him to fall two hundred feet to his death instead of Frollo.

As the crowd gathers around him, one person says "Who is it?"

Another man says "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell."

[Rhondazvous]

It's kinda like when I took off my shoe to kill a nail.

Ouch!!

That wasn’t supposed to hurt. I have a gentle touch.

Anyway, there were some people on a plane. After a three hour delay the pilot and copilot boarded the back of the plane and walked all the way to the cockpit so everyone could see them. The people were astonished because the pilot was leading a seeing eye dog and the copilot had a long white cane.

Everybody started mutter.

“What’s the meaning of this?”
“What’s going on?”
“Is this a joke?”

The pilot and copilot entered the cockpit and the plane started taxiing down the runway and the people realized it was no joke. The noise got louder and louder. Just when the plane reached the end of the runway the quality of the noise changes as everybody screamed at once. Right then, the plane lifted off the runway soared through the air.

In the cockpit the copilot turned to the pilot. “You know, one of these days they’re not gonna scream and we’re gonna get killed.”

[Minimalist]

SENIOR TRYING TO RESET PASSWORD

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.
 
USER:
cabbage
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 
USER:
boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 
USER:
1 boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
 
USER:
50damnboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
 
USER:
50DAMNEDboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 
USER:
50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYo urAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
 
WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use

[Cyberman]

That's something my Dad would do!

[Minimalist]

You should have heard me when the Divine Tiberius went to his 75 character passwords or whatever the fuck it was.

[Minimalist]

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender. Men Are Just Happier People.
 
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
 
NICKNAMES
� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
� When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING
� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

This is SO how my Da was. There was never a doubt that he loved each and every one of us, but with six boys round the place, he's occasionally stop one of us and ask, 'Which one are you, again?'

Boru