joke time

[The Valkyrie]

A robber walks into a bank wielding a pistol and wearing a balaclava over his face.

"Everyone lie down on the floor and keep your eyes diverted and no one will get hurt."

Everyone complies with his orders and he quickly fills a bag with cash.

On his way out a security guard grabs him and pulls the balaclava off the robber's face. Without hesitation, he shoots and kills the security guard. He quickly looks around and sees that a teller also saw his face so he shoots her, too.

Terrified, the rest of the hostages stay on the floor, looking at the ground or away from the robber.

"Did anyone else see my face?" He yells.

There are several minutes of silence then an old man sticks his hand up and says, "I think my wife might have caught a glimpse..."

[Minimalist]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
 
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?" 

[Brian37]

Little known fact about Prohibition, Congress couldn't get anyone to testify because all the witnesses drank a fifth.

---

Why did the tailor get a DWI? Because he had belt.

[Brian37]

True story, 

Back in college I had a dorm mate prank call the admissions office at Liberty University. Nothing dangerous or threatening. But he called in basically pretending to be a parent claiming to potentially want to send his daughter there. 

So was listening in the background only heard his prank on his side, but he asked a list of questions.

"So, is it true you can't drink on campus?"

"Is it true you cant smoke on campus?"

"Is it true the opposite sex cannot be in your room?"

"Is it true you cant kiss in public on campus?"

........ECT ECT ECT ECT

He asked about 12 to 15 questions then ended it with.

"If it is true you cant do those things, then why do you call your college Liberty?" CLICK.

FYI, most of the students at least back then, did not care about the rules, I know, I saw lots of them off campus doing things that were against the rules even off campus.

[Rhondazvous]

True story, 

Back in college I had a dorm mate prank call the admissions office at Liberty University. Nothing dangerous or threatening. But he called in basically pretending to be a parent claiming to potentially want to send his daughter there. 

So was listening in the background only heard his prank on his side, but he asked a list of questions.

"So, is it true you can't drink on campus?"

"Is it true you cant smoke on campus?"

"Is it true the opposite sex cannot be in your room?"

"Is it true you cant kiss in public on campus?"

........ECT ECT ECT ECT

He asked about 12 to 15 questions then ended it with.

"If it is true you cant do those things, then why do you call your college Liberty?" CLICK.

FYI, most of the students at least back then, did not care about the rules, I know, I saw lots of them off campus doing things that were against the rules even off campus.

I believe you. I went to Biola University. As a prank, some students kidnapped a freshman and smeared his groin with icy hot ointment.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

True story, 

Back in college I had a dorm mate prank call the admissions office at Liberty University. Nothing dangerous or threatening. But he called in basically pretending to be a parent claiming to potentially want to send his daughter there. 

So was listening in the background only heard his prank on his side, but he asked a list of questions.

"So, is it true you can't drink on campus?"

"Is it true you cant smoke on campus?"

"Is it true the opposite sex cannot be in your room?"

"Is it true you cant kiss in public on campus?"

........ECT ECT ECT ECT

He asked about 12 to 15 questions then ended it with.

"If it is true you cant do those things, then why do you call your college Liberty?" CLICK.

FYI, most of the students at least back then, did not care about the rules, I know, I saw lots of them off campus doing things that were against the rules even off campus.

Reminds me of the student cheer at East Anglia:

'We don't drink!
'Nor smoke!
'Norfolk!'

Boru

[Minimalist]

A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.
Men will get it the first time.

[Little lunch]

I had to go back and read it again.

[Darinda]

Revenge of an Ex-wife !
This is amazingly hilarious....

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything... cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive woolen carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . . . . . .

Including the CURTAIN RODS !

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Brian37]

I just had a thought. A question to the Jihadist terrorists. So when one of your asshole friends blows shit up, do you have a champagne party and strap explosives around the bottles? I ask because you do know you can get the cork to pop just by shaking the bottle.