joke time

[vulcanlogician]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness you only have ten to live."

Patient: "What do you mean ten? Ten months? Ten weeks?"

Doctor: "Nine."

[Minimalist]

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

- Henny Youngman

[The Valkyrie]

True story:

I was once driving behind a dude who stopped at a crosswalk and got out of his car to help a little old lady across the street. I thought that was admirable for him but, the old lady kissed him.

I knew right then there that that old lady was just having a perv!

I now also stop to help little old ladies!

Remember that some little old ladies don't want to cross the road.

These ones need "persuasion".

[Haipule]

True story:

I was once driving behind a dude who stopped at a crosswalk and got out of his car to help a little old lady across the street. I thought that was admirable for him but, the old lady kissed him.

I knew right then there that that old lady was just having a perv!

I now also stop to help little old ladies!

Remember that some little old ladies don't want to cross the road.

These ones need "persuasion".

[Minimalist]

Another Henny Youngman classic:

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once locked my keys in the car. Took me an hour to get out. 

Boru

[Brian37]

I once locked my keys in the car. Took me an hour to get out. 

Boru

Man if only 45 could trap himself in Mara Lago.

[chimp3]

Another Henny Youngman classic:

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A story about Henny Youngman: A friend of Youngman's went with him to the ballet. Youngman watched the ballet quietly. After they were out of the theatre Youngman said "Why don't they just hire taller girls?"

[Haipule]

I am an optician by trade. I put the first pair of eyeglasses on a young woman and ask, "Am I handsome?" They always say "yes" but, I'm glad I'm the first thing they see!

[KittyAnn]

A little boy asks a driver : 
- Could you give me a ride, please? I'm late for school. 
- But I'm heading in the opposite direction, son. 
- Even better!

---

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, `I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.` 

The man was very upset and yelled, `You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.` 

The brother thought about it and apologized. 

`So how`s Mom?` asked the man.

`She`s on the roof and won`t come down.`

---

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, `What are you up to there, Nancy?`
`My goldfish died,` replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, `and I`ve just buried him.`
The neighbor was concerned, `That`s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn`t it?`
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, `That`s because he`s inside your stupid cat.`