joke time

[KittyAnn]

Two middle-aged Englishmen playing golf... at some point a funeral procession passes by the golf course. 
One of the players puts down the stick and takes off his hat.
- What is it - the second is surprised - you are interrupting the game?
- Please forgive me, but either way we were a 25 year old married couple.

[Brian37]

I don't ever want to hang out with golfers, those guys are always getting Tee'd off.

[Brian37]

I think golf would be more exciting if they added paint ball to it.

The rules would be, the rivals could shoot at the tee'r but only hit the arms, legs and back, not the club itself or the ball. I figure if you can get the ball down the fairway, or make the putt on the green while getting pelted by paint balls, you deserve it.

[Minimalist]

There was a crowded waiting room at a medical office and the patients had signed in and a nurse called their names when it was their turn to see the doctor. At one point, the door opened and the harried nurse came out, picked up the list, looked at it strangely, shook her head and called out:

"Shithead McCoy!"

A stately black woman rose and walked slowly towards the open door. As she passed the nurse she quietly said,

"That's pronounced, 'Sha-Thee-Ad.' "

[pgrimes15]

Two middle-aged Englishmen playing golf... at some point a funeral procession passes by the golf course. 
One of the players puts down the stick and takes off his hat.
- What is it - the second is surprised - you are interrupting the game?
- Please forgive me, but either way we were a 25 year old married couple.

Don't get it.

[vulcanlogician]

So there was this guy who went golfing every single Sunday, rain or shine, for the past twenty years.

He had developed a reputation in the town for never missing a Sunday of golf, and he was quite proud of it. It was almost like a badge of honor to him, but he also kept the tradition because he enjoyed the game immensely.

One Sunday morning, he rose from bed and looked out the window. It looked mighty cold out there. But he didn't get his reputation around town by being afraid of a blustery day.

"I'll have to dress in layers," he said to himself.

So he got dressed, grabbed his clubs and walked out the front door. As soon as he left his house an utterly bitter blast of cold air swept against him. He didn't realize it was quite so cold out. The air was freezing.

"Ooooooh," he shivered, "this is going to be a tough one."

So, he loaded up his clubs and drove to the golf course. Nobody, not even any staff, was at the course. With the weather being how it was, there was no need to open the place. But the caddies had left a golf cart out for him in the usual spot, knowing that he would show up to golf. He drove his cart to the first hole, stepped out of his cart, and grabbed his clubs. 

As he was about to tee off, another bitterly cold gust of wind hit him. It was so utterly frigid, it chilled him to his very bones.

"You know what?" the man said aloud, "Fuck it! Reputation or no, it's just too damn cold to go golfing today."

So he got back into his car, drove home, walked into his living room and plunked his golf clubs onto the floor. He walked upstairs into his bedroom. His wife was still asleep in bed, comfortable in the warm and cozy house. Peeling his clothes off, he got under the covers with her and snuggled up against her ass.

"Pretty cold out there," he whispered into her ear.

"Yeah, " she said, "and can you believe that dumbass went golfing?"

[Fireball]

Four duffers who had been golfing for about a decade after their retirements lost one of their members. Played threesome, but were looking for a fourth. After a few outings they noticed a fellow playing alone, and invited him to join them, which he did. He seemed like a nice guy, and they got on well, so they asked to come with them for their next outing. He agreed, saying that on some days he might be late. At their next round of golf, it was noticed that he was playing left-handed, where last time he had played right-handed. Upon inquiry, he told them, "I play right-handed when my wife is laying on her right side asleep, when I get up to go golfing, and left-handed when she's laying on her left side". They queried, "What hand do you play if she's laying on her back?" His response-"Those are the days when I'll be late!"

[Brian37]

I never debate golfers because their arguments are full of holes.

[Darinda]

Bran Muffins
A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.

Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the  last several decades.

One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.

As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied, "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

" Don 't even ask," said St. Peter to the man, "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.  "That's the best part," St. Peter replied, "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man then ask, "No gym to work out at?"  "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.."  "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[Brian37]

The only way to be a racist without being a bigot is to be a professional sports car driver. But I still would not debate you because your arguments always go in circles.