joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Don't get snippy.  I'm trying to help.

Boru

[Jackie]

Don't get snippy.  I'm trying to help.

Boru

Thanks for the correction. 

You are right, I spelled it wrong.

[vulcanlogician]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..
I told him to leave me alone. And when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

[Jackie]

Tonight on "The Hunt" with John Walsh. Froggy went a courten and she did die. 

[Jackie]

If Androids are called "Smart phones", why don't they call "I-Phones" "Wise Apples"?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

In 1850, American inventor Joel Houghton created the very first automatic dishwasher.  During the initial trial of the machine, he wife looked over his shoulder and said, 'You're loading that all wrong.'

Boru

[vulcanlogician]

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[ignoramus]

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
- Rick Cook

[polymath257]

Nothing is idiot-proof because idiots are so ingenious.

[onlinebiker]

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Following orders can be amusing...


I was in the service when urinalysis for drugs became the norm. I was off duty working on a motorcycle - when a 1st class I didn't know showed up and ordered me to the conference room building - where they were drug testing everyone.

There was a table with a chief a 1st and second class (female) were processing the paperwork. I filled out my paper - and was handed a bottle and told " fill this up".

Did I mention I'd  had more than a few beers?

I proceeded to unzip and pull it out to "fill it up" - the chief screamed at me a "not here you asshole!  Go use the bathroom !"


" Sorry chief- just following orders". [/grin]