joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

After a long career, Seamus retires to a village in west Cork, where - with his unfailing kindness and gentle good humour - he quickly becomes established in the good graces of the community. After tending his bit of garden and chatting with the neighbours, he spends most of his afternoons at the local.  He reads the newspaper, plays draughts or dominoes with the other patrons and has three pints of Guinness.

Oddly, though, he orders the three pints all at once and has them brought to his table at the same time.  After a fortnight or so, the barman tells him, 'Seamus, I'd be more than happy to draw your pints one at a time, so you can have each one fresh.'

'Oh, no,' says the old fella, 'I could never do that.  You see, I have two sons.  One of them works the oil fields in the Middle East and the other's a merchantman on the high seas.  Things being how they are, we're hardly all together at once, so we made a pact.  Whenever one of us is on for drinking, he has a drink for himself and one for each of the others.  That way, wherever we are, it's as if we're all drinking together. So, the three pints all in one go.'

The barman thinks that's the sweetest, loveliest thing he's ever heard in his life. The story goes round the village like a shot.

Some time passes, and one afternoon, Seamus enters the pub looking a little down.  'Just two pints today, Mickey.'  Seamus sits by himself, not socializing, drinks his pints in silence, gets his hat and goes.  Word soon gets round and Seamus' cottage is deluged with flowers and condolence cards.

On his next visit to the pub, Seamus pulls the barman aside and asks, 'What the hell is going on with all the flowers and cards and the widow O'Doull bringing me a hot dish every day, Mickey?'

'Well, it's about your boy, Seamus. We noticed that you ordered just two pints instead of three. Was it the one on the seas or the one in the oil fields that you lost?'

'Lost?  I haven't lost either one.  The two pints are for the two lads.  My doctor told ME to give up drinking.'

OMG, that’s BRILLIANT!!!

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Boss Lady's been home too long. She just yelled from the living room.

"Do you feel stabbing pains in your chest, like someone's sticking needles in your voodoo doll?"

I replied "No, nothing like that."

A few minutes later, "How about now?"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Andrew is walking along the road when he meets his oldest and dearest friend.

‘Howaya, Andy?’

‘Not so well, Freddie, not so well at all.’

‘Whatever’s the trouble, then?

‘It’s me Bridget. It’s a week today since she passed.’

‘Mother of God, ye should have been after getting word to me. I’m your oldest mate! Now I feel turrible that I’ve missed the wake and the funeral.’

‘What’re ya talking about? The wake’s this very morning and the funeral will be in the afternoon.’

‘But you said she passed a week ago!’

‘She did, so. But when we married 35 years ago, we made a vow that one day, we’d have enough laid by to enjoy a solid week of peace and quiet together. This is the first time she’s shut up in 35 years, and I’ll be damned if I was going to miss me chance.’

Boru

NB: The above joke is public domain. If anyone would like to copy/paste it without attribution, no legal action will be taken.

[The Valkyrie]

After a long career, Seamus retires to a village in west Cork, where - with his unfailing kindness and gentle good humour - he quickly becomes established in the good graces of the community. After tending his bit of garden and chatting with the neighbours, he spends most of his afternoons at the local.  He reads the newspaper, plays draughts or dominoes with the other patrons and has three pints of Guinness.

Oddly, though, he orders the three pints all at once and has them brought to his table at the same time.  After a fortnight or so, the barman tells him, 'Seamus, I'd be more than happy to draw your pints one at a time, so you can have each one fresh.'

'Oh, no,' says the old fella, 'I could never do that.  You see, I have two sons.  One of them works the oil fields in the Middle East and the other's a merchantman on the high seas.  Things being how they are, we're hardly all together at once, so we made a pact.  Whenever one of us is on for drinking, he has a drink for himself and one for each of the others.  That way, wherever we are, it's as if we're all drinking together. So, the three pints all in one go.'

The barman thinks that's the sweetest, loveliest thing he's ever heard in his life. The story goes round the village like a shot.

Some time passes, and one afternoon, Seamus enters the pub looking a little down.  'Just two pints today, Mickey.'  Seamus sits by himself, not socializing, drinks his pints in silence, gets his hat and goes.  Word soon gets round and Seamus' cottage is deluged with flowers and condolence cards.

On his next visit to the pub, Seamus pulls the barman aside and asks, 'What the hell is going on with all the flowers and cards and the widow O'Doull bringing me a hot dish every day, Mickey?'

'Well, it's about your boy, Seamus. We noticed that you ordered just two pints instead of three. Was it the one on the seas or the one in the oil fields that you lost?'

'Lost?  I haven't lost either one.  The two pints are for the two lads.  My doctor told ME to give up drinking.'

OMG, that’s BRILLIANT!!!

Boru

OMG, that's so SARCASTIC!!!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

OMG, that’s BRILLIANT!!!

Boru

OMG, that's so SARCASTIC!!!

OMG, that’s so EXPECTED!!!

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

OMG, that's so SARCASTIC!!!

OMG, that’s so EXPECTED!!!

Boru

OMG, that's so BITCHY!!!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

OMG, that’s so EXPECTED!!!

Boru

OMG, that's so BITCHY!!!

OMG, that’s so TRUE!!!

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking joints when a lizard notices him.

"What are you doing?" Asks the lizard.

"Sitting in my tree getting high!" Replies the koala. "Come on up and join me!"

Not one to turn down an invitation, the lizard climbs the tree and starts smoking joints with the koala.

After the fourth joint, the lizard says, "I need a drink of water." He walks slowly across the branch but is so stoned he slips and fall into the river below.

He's swept quite a way down river but is rescued by a crocodile, who notices his weird behaviour.

"What's wrong with you?" The crocodile asks.

The lizard explains about the koala getting high in the tree and the crocodile decides he needs to see this. So he swims up river until he reaches the tree where the koala is still smoking his joints.

The koala watches the crocodile emerge from the water and shouts, "Wow, dude. How much fuckin water did you drink?"

[ignoramus]

OMG, that was EXCELLENT!

[A. Secular Human]

How many surrealist sculptors does it take to change a lightbulb?

---

Two. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

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Boru

I would have had the giraffe "melting", in a nod to Dali.

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Guys, the best sexual position is the JFK.

That's when you splash all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I would have called that the "Teddy Kennedy".