joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once tried to explain to my four year old nephew that it was no shame to poo in your pants. He said he understood, but he still made fun of me.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

My boss, "There's no 'i' in 'team'"

Me, "But there are 5 in 'individual brilliance'."

[The Valkyrie]

Paddy applies for a job at a building site.

"Can you brew tea, Paddy?" asks the foreman.

"Yes, I can!"

"Excellent. And can you drive a forklift?"

"How fucking big is your teapot?" asks Paddy.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two Irish brothers are reading the notice board at the Labour exchange.

‘Here’s one looking for welders. Pity we can’t weld.’

‘Here’s one looking for plumbers. Pity we can’t plumb.’

‘Here’s one looking for tree fellers. Pity there’s only two of us.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Rangi and Hemi go to the post office to see if anyone's advertising jobs.

They read one for labourers but decide it's not for them.

They see an advertisement for gardeners, but neither has a green thumb.

Finally, at the end of the line, Rangi reads a poster, "Wanted: two caucasian men for armed robbery and rape."

"Typical," Hemi says, "Fucking whiteys get all the good jobs!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A bloke tries a new pub and notices a large jar behind the bar absolutely brimming with cash. 'Helluva tip jar, that,' he tells the barman.

'Nah, that's our contest jar,' says the barman.

'What sort of contest?' asks the patron.

'Simple, really.' answers the barman. 'You put 50 quid in the jar and then complete three challenges. Do 'em all and you win everything in the jar.'

'Jaysus, there must be two thousand pounds in that jar at least. What are the challenges?'

'Well,' says the barman, 'see that big bloke with all the muscles over there? That's our bouncer. The first challenge is to knock him out with a single punch. Then, in the alley out back, there's a Rottweiler - huge, ferocious animal with a bad tooth that makes him angrier than usual. No one can get near him. The second challenge is to go out there and pull his bad tooth. Lastly, the owner of this place lives upstairs. She's eighty years old. The third and final task is to go up there and give her a right good seeing-to.'

'Yeah, I think I'll give your contest a miss', says the patron. But as the evening wears on, and he gets drunker and drunker, he slaps his 50 down on the bar and says, 'Fuck it! I'll do your challenges!'

Without another word, he staggers over and taps the bouncer on the shoulder. When he turns around, the drunk delivers a right cross the lays the man out cold. He then staggers to the back door leading to the alley and shuts the door behind him. Everyone in the bar is shocked at the screams and howling and growls coming for the alley for the next five minutes. When the door opens again, the drunk is there - his clothes torn, his face and arms smear with blood, and his breath coming in gasps. After he recovers for a bit, he looks round the pub and says,

---

'Now - where's the old bitch with the bad tooth?'

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Boru

[Brian37]

Eric Trump goes to the doctor because his hand hurts. The doctor checks him out, then tells him he has carpal tunnel.

Eric responds, "But I only use the Holland Tunnel."

[The Valkyrie]

Hippos run faster than humans on land.

Hippos swim faster than humans in water.

So cycling is your only hope to beat them in a triathlon.

[ignoramus]

I hope that's not a euphemism for the female Olympic Bulgarian weightlifting team!

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[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once yelled, 'FIBRE!!' in a crowded theatre, and everyone shit themselves.

Boru