joke time

[Jackie]

Three gods walk into a bar.

First one says " I can turn water into wine"

Second one says " I can turn potato's into vodka"

Third one says "I can turn rice into wine"


Bartender says " All of you need an Uber."

[vulcanlogician]

What is the similarity between a bank and sex?


In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

And there's a penalty for early withdrawl....

I always heard that early withdrawal saved you from 18 years of unnecessary fees and restrictions.

[Jackalope]

And there's a penalty for early withdrawl....

I always heard that early withdrawal saved you from 18 years of unnecessary fees and restrictions.

Nah, that shit lasts through college graduation in many cases.

[purplepurpose]

God: Plays sims
Random guy: Couldn't take any more stress and killed himself.
God: Motherf. It was a perfect walktrough until you f it up. You will regret your decision in hell, sinner.

[A. Secular Human]

What is the similarity between a bank and sex?


In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

It really depends on whether or not you made a deposit first...

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I though about joining an origami porn site, but I decided it would be too expensive. It's paper view only.

Boru

[purplepurpose]

God: Plays Muslim version of Sims
Random muslim guy: Always fasts during ramadan, prays 5 times a day. Then, war broke out and he blows himself up in his suicide car.
God: Perfect walktrough. Muslim version almost never lets me down.

[Darinda]

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

“I don’t know Father. I have not sinned; it just happened.”

The priest raised his eyebrows, concerned. “What you mean my child? Who is the father?”

“There is no father; I never been close to a man in my entire life.”

“Did something unusual happen? Is a family member pressuring you? Or do you remember passing out at party after a stranger offered you a drink?”

“Nothing of the sort Father; I’m a shy girl who doesn’t party and I spend most of my days at home.”

“Look. I cannot help you if you do not tell me the truth. If you are not honest with me, I may have to report this to the police.” replied the priest, mildly annoyed.

The girl dropped her defeated eyes to the ground. “I knew it wouldn’t work. I should have listened to my friend”.

The priest smiled, saddened. “I understand how difficult this is, my child. But I promise everything is going to be alright. So what did your friend say?”

“She warned me that the last time a girl managed to pull this one off with a priest, she had to create an entire new religion to cover it up.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An Amish woman is driving her horse-drawn buggy to town when she is stopped by a police officer.

‘I’m not going to cite you, ma’am,’ said the cop. ‘I just thought you should know that your rear reflector is broken. Could be dangerous.’

‘I thank thee,’ said the Amish lady. ‘I will tell my husband to repair it when I return home.’

‘Also,’ said the cop, ‘I notice that one of your reins is wrapped around the horse’s testicles.’

‘Again, I thank thee. I will tell my husband.’

Good as her word, when she returned home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would repair it immediately.

‘Also,’ continued the woman, ‘the officer was kind enough to say there’s something amiss with the emergency brake.’

Boru

[Jackie]

Don't remember if this one has ever been submitted in this thread but here goes.

Jesus is at his last supper and says,

" Drink this wine for it is my blood"

Then says, "Eat this bread because it is my body"

Then says "Spread this Mayonnaise for it is"


Paul interrupted him and said, " I am going to have to stop you right there".