joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Studies have shown that if you replace your potato chips with grapefruit when you snack, up to 80% of what little joy you have left in your life will be gone.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The judge is reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce and says, 'Just to be clear, you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?'

'No, Your Honour. I don't want to divorce her because she's crazy, I want to divorce her because she's fuckin' Goofy.'

Boru

[Darinda]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor. Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good
news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. What's the bad news? asked the hunter.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.
Well I guess that isn't too bad, the hunter replied.
Is your sister a plastic surgeon?
Not exactly. answered the doctor.
She's a flute player in the Ottawa Symphony. She's going to teach you
where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

[onlinebiker]

Ya get what you deserve - hunting duck with buckshot.....

Heh

[Darinda]

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.


The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

[The Valkyrie]

The Patron Saint of copying people into emails is St Francis of a CC

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles North of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out,  watched the performance,  then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.


The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that  test.'

Boru

[Fireball]

Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man. 


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   

[The Valkyrie]

Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man. 


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   

That's why you shoot old men.

What?

[Fireball]

Reasons not to pick a fight with an old man-


1. If you win the fight, you just beat up an old man. 


2. If you lose, you just got beat up by an old man.   

That's why you shoot old men.

What?

Interestingly enough, the site where I saw that joke had a 3rd answer. It's a shooting forum-

3. He'll just shoot you. 

Given the general revulsion with firearms around here, I left that option out.