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RE: joke time
February 15, 2022 at 4:16 pm
Four guys are out fishing one Saturday morning and the first one asks, "Do you know what I had to do to be able to go fishing today? I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy says, "I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool next weekend."
Third guy says, "I had to promise to renovate the kitchen next weekend."
Fourth guy says, "The alarm went off at 5:30 this morning and I asked my wife 'fishing or sex', she said to wear sunscreen."
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RE: joke time
February 15, 2022 at 4:36 pm
Me: ‘Hi, sweets. How was your day?’
Her: ‘Pretty interesting, actually - I prevented a murder.’
Me: ‘Good lord! How did you do that?’
Her: ‘Self control.’
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
February 15, 2022 at 4:37 pm
(February 15, 2022 at 4:16 pm)arewethereyet Wrote: Four guys are out fishing one Saturday morning and the first one asks, "Do you know what I had to do to be able to go fishing today? I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy says, "I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool next weekend."
Third guy says, "I had to promise to renovate the kitchen next weekend."
Fourth guy says, "The alarm went off at 5:30 this morning and I asked my wife 'fishing or sex', she said to wear sunscreen."
You know the best time to go fishing? Yesterday, because that’s when they’re biting.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
February 17, 2022 at 12:37 pm
Teacher: Why did you eat your homework, Joe?
Joe: Because I don’t have a dog.
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RE: joke time
February 17, 2022 at 1:55 pm
(February 17, 2022 at 12:37 pm)Darinda Wrote: Teacher: Why did you eat your homework, Joe?
Joe: Because I don’t have a dog.
"Don Junior, where's your homework?"
"My dad ate it!"
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
February 18, 2022 at 6:48 am
Two Eskimos in a kayak were afraid of freezing to death, so they lit a fire in the little boat to keep warm. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
February 18, 2022 at 11:22 am
Boy: “I got an F in arithmetic.”
Father: “Why?”
Boy: “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’”
Father: “But that’s right!”
Boy: “Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
Father: “What’s the fucking difference?”
Boy: “That’s exactly what I said!”
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RE: joke time
February 19, 2022 at 10:54 am
Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
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RE: joke time
February 23, 2022 at 1:05 pm
The wedding date was set and the groom's friends were deciding what pranks to play on the couple for their wedding night.
3 friends ... a Carpenter, an Electrician and a Doctor offered their ideas.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would be fun...
The electrician decided to wire the bed with current, of course...
The Doctor wouldn't commit himself, but promised it would be memorable...
The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the Groom's buddies received the following note :
Dear MOTHER FUCKERS
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed..
The electric shock was only a minor setback..
.
.
.
.
But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put Local Anaesthesia in the Condom.
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RE: joke time
February 24, 2022 at 10:14 am
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36’.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.’
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