joke time

[Darinda]

Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks, “Who’s funeral is this?”
The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.”
Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must have been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?”
“This is the dog that killed her.”
So Tom asks, “Can I borrow the dog for an hour?”
He responds, “Get in line!”

[The Valkyrie]

I accidentally dropped my swear jar and about 900 "motherfuckers!" escaped.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

People say, 'You are what you eat.' Rubbish, that is. I'm pretty sure I've never sat down to a heaping bowl of back pain and anxiety.

Boru

[Darinda]

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble.”

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.

“Okay,” they said and left.

The following year this guy came into the trader’s store and said: “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah,” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him,” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Accordion to a recent study, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace random words with musical instruments.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?

Me: Zero stars.

Nurse:

Me: ‘Would not recommend.’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I once had a girl tell me, 'Mere words can't begin to describe how handsome you are.' I was about to thank her when she added, 'But numbers can. 3/10.'

Boru

[Darinda]

Husband: “Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?”
Wife: “Is that what I do?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Husband: “Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?”
Wife: “Is that what I do?”

True story: not knowing my wife is Jewish, someone once asked her, ‘Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?’ Ellen smiled and said, ‘And how should we answer it, bubeleh?’

Awkward silence ensued.

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

My neighbour got arrested for growing marijuana. I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Boru