joke time

[Darinda]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”

[The Valkyrie]

Batman, *buys catwoman a drink*

Catwoman, *slowly pushes drink off the table*

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Ricardo Montalban had a hard time getting work after Star Trek II. No one wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

Boru

[Darinda]

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, “I’ve had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I’ve ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?”
“Well,” yawned the workman, “Nobody can get tired as quick as I can.”

[brewer]

my underpants

(nope, that's it, nothing more to ponder.............well, maybe who does the laundry)

[Darinda]

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

[The Valkyrie]

A three year old boy is in the bath and starts investigating his testicles.

"Mum," he asks, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," his mother replies.

[Darinda]

My wife asked one day why I spoke so softly in the house.

I said I was afraid that someone was listening!

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

[Fireball]

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. And as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

[Darinda]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
“She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”