joke time

[A. Secular Human]

A rich oil sheikh was in a bind.  His son's 12th birthday was coming up and he didn't know what to get him.

Finally, he went to his son and said, "My son, soon it will be your birthday and I don't know what to get you.  You have cars, your own plane,servants, even your own palace.  What is it you want for your birthday?"

"Father," replied the boy, "What I have always wanted, and have been too afraid to ask for, is a Mickey Mouse outfit!"

So, the next day, the father bought his son the Republican party*














*and he got it cheap.

Same joke - but insert "A Goofy Outfit" and "Democrat."..

Similar to the reason a judge wouldn't grant Mickey Mouse a divorce from Minnie, simply because she was mentally ill.

Mickey told the judge she was fucking goofy.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Do you think there's sex after death?'

'Depends on your mortician.'

Boru

[Jackie]

Just saw this one on Twitter.

"I should have never decided to become an archaeologist.

Now my life is in ruins."

[Jackie]

If I make a crappy innuendo does it become an outtuendo?

If I make a risky joke about permafrost in Alaska, does that make it a double on tundra?

[Jackie]

If a member of MENSA gets sarcastic with you does that make them a smart ass?

Two people meet on a blind date, one asks the other "What do you do for a living?". The other says, "I am a volcanologist." The other responds, "Oh yea, I like Star Trek too."

[Fake Messiah]

.

[Darinda]

A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

[Darinda]

There was a grandpa sitting on his porch, rocking in his chair, and chewing on a piece of grass, on a beautiful sunny morning. Down the road comes his grandson, a little ‘slow’, carrying some chicken wire.
Old man says ‘hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that there chicken wire?
The boy answers “Well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some chickens”.
The grandpa laughs, shakes his head, and dozes off. Next thing you know, back comes his granson with a whole bunch of chickens under his arm. The grandpa shakes his head and wonders.
Next day, the grandpa is rocking on his porch, and sure enough his grandson comes down the road, carrying 2 rolls of duct tape. The old man says “hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?”
The boy replies, “well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some ducks”.
The grandpa laughs again, shakes his head and dozes off. Next thing dont ya know his grandson comes back with a whole bunch of ducks under his arm. Now the grandpa is like wow, ok, he is lucky I guess.
The next day, the grandpa is rocking away looking down the street and here comes his grandson again. The grandpa says ” hey junior, whatcha got under your arm there?”
The boy answers, “well grandpa, I got me some pussy willows”.
The grandpa gets up quick off his chair and yells, “hold on junior, let me get my coat.”

[The Valkyrie]

I tried emailing a few files through to Mark Hamill, but they were removed by the firewall.

Apparently, attachments are forbidden to the Jedi.

[Darinda]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“I don’t. I just need the money.”