joke time

[purplepurpose]

What is the difference between North Korea and biblical heaven?
People in heaven are better fed.

[The Valkyrie]

Friend, "What are the names of your neighbours?"

Me, "Harry and Angus."

Friend, "Not the cats. What are the peoples' names?"

Me, "why the fuck would I know that??"

[The Valkyrie]

Bought a Christmas tree today.

"Will you be putting that up yourself?"

"No, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in the living room!"

[awty]

^Technically you could put it up yourself in the living room...though I would think that's not a good plan.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I don’t understand all this fuss about arachnophobia. I mean, if two spiders want to get married, why would you even care??

Boru

[LinuxGal]

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim to the shore.

Back on land the Pope asks Jesus and Chuck Norris how they were both able to walk on the water.

Jesus replies with “Oh, I should have told you about the rocks which are close to the surface of the water”

Chuck Norris then asks “What rocks?”

[Darinda]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

[LinuxGal]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A doctor and a deaf man were courting the same woman. Every day, the doctor would give her a rose, and the deaf man would give her an apple. The woman became confused and eventually asked the deaf man, ‘Every day, the doctor gives me a perfect, fresh-cut red rose, the symbol of love and beauty. I understand that, but why do you keep giving me an apple?’

And the deaf man said, ‘What??’

Boru

[A. Secular Human]

Bought a Christmas tree today.

"Will you be putting that up yourself?"

"No, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in the living room!"

Putting it up isn't the issue.

Taking it down might be a problem, though...