joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A young man goes to a pharmacy and asks to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asks him how many. ‘Well,’ says the man, ‘I’ve only been dating this girl for a few weeks. But tonight I’m meeting her parents for the first time for dinner. After that, we’re going out for a night on the town, so I think this could be it. Better give me a dozen.’

At dinner that evening, the man asks if he could give the blessing. Everyone bows their heads, and the man returns thanks. But he goes on and on, bringing up topics like mercy, forgiveness, and understanding. 

After a few minutes of this, his girlfriend leans over to him and whispers, ‘You never told me you were so religious.’

He whispers back, ‘Well, you never told me your father was a pharmacist!’

Boru

[Darinda]

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A gentile is curious about Judaism and asks his friend if he might accompany his to synagogue. ‘Certainly, we’d be happy to have you,’ says the Jewish man. ‘I’ll pick you up at 7:00 on Saturday morning, and we drive over for Sabbath services. Feel free to ask me about anything you don’t understand.’

During the service, the man whispers to his friend, ‘Why is everyone bowing and talking?’

‘Not talking, praying. It’s a prayer called the Amidah and we bow repeatedly to show our devotion to God.’

Time passes, and the man whispers again, ‘What’s in the fancy box behind the curtain?’

‘The box is the Ark and it holds the Torah scrolls. In a minute, a man called the ba’al keri’ah will read some passages.’

After the reading, the man asks, ‘Why does the rabbi step up to the podium, remove his wristwatch and lay it down in front of him?’

‘Unfortunately, not a goddamned thing.’

Boru

[Darinda]

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Well, you know,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

[Silver]

Employer: you straight?

Employee: no, I'm gay.

Employer: it says right here your last name is straight.

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*ducks*

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[Darinda]

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.”

The priest says, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest says, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him, saying, “I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replies, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that’s the same as putting it in.”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Sometimes, I tell my wife that I'll attend to a particular chore A.S.A.P ('After September. April, Probably.').

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An older man is in hospital and fitted with an oxygen mask. A nurse comes in to give him a sponge bath and the man asks her in a muffled voice, ‘Are my testicles black?’

A bit taken aback, the nurse replies, ‘Sir, I’m just here to wash your upper body - you’ll need to speak to your doctor about that,’ and gets on with the sponge bath.

A few moments later, the man asks again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’ Since the man seems rather concerned about the colour of his testicles and she doesn’t want his blood pressure to rise, she lifts his gown, takes the man’s testicles in her hand and gives them a close look. ‘Sir, you can relax - your testicles are perfectly normal.’

The man removes his oxygen mask and says, ‘Thank you, nurse, that’s very reassuring. Now listen carefully…are my test results back?’

Boru

[Fake Messiah]

A young New York City woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain said.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

When strip clubs aren’t open for business, they should post a sign that says, ‘Sorry, we’re clothed.’

Boru