joke time

[Silver]

Me: I'm a writer.

Someone trying to be funny: Don't quit your day job.

Me: I don't have a day job.

Someone trying to be funny: ......

Me: I work the overnight shift.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Schrödinger: Nice one.

Boru

[Darinda]

On a Sunday afternoon, a tipsy old man stumbles upon a baptism ceremony happening by the river. He decides to join the preacher in the water, standing right beside the pastor. The pastor, noticing the tipsy old man, asks, “Mister, are you prepared to find Jesus?”

The old man, swaying slightly, replies, “Yes, preacher, I believe I am.”

With that, the pastor quickly dunks the old man under the water before pulling him back up. “Did you find Jesus?” asks the pastor.

“Nah, I didn’t!” retorts the old man.

Growing slightly impatient, the pastor immerses the man for a considerably longer period before bringing him back up again. “Now, my friend, did you find Jesus?” he inquires.

“Nah, I haven’t, Father,” the old man answers, coughing.

Utterly exasperated, the pastor submerges the man for a good half a minute this time, then hauls him back up. In a stern voice, he asks, “For heaven’s sake, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunkard, wiping the water from his eyes, responds to the pastor, “Are you certain this is where he dropped in?”

[The Valkyrie]

A Scotsman and his wife are walking through town when they pass a swanky restaurant.

"Just smell those delectable aromas," the wife says, "the food must be incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he turns them both around and walks past the restaurant again.

[A. Secular Human]

A Scotsman and his wife are walking through town when they pass a swanky restaurant.

"Just smell those delectable aromas," the wife says, "the food must be incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he turns them both around and walks past the restaurant again.

"Tell me more, tell me more."

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

To save money, a family decides to take their holiday at a nudist camp. The young son who was out exploring comes rushing back to the campsite and says, 'Mummy, you should see some of the ladies around here - they have really HUGE...'

'Yes, Timmy, I know,' the mother interrupts. 'But remember - the bigger those are, the dumber the lady is.'

Timmy goes off exploring later in the day, and runs back again to report, 'Mummy, you should see some of the men around here - they have really HUGE...'

'I know, Timmy, I know. But just remember - the bigger a man's thing is, the stupider he is.'

'Well, then you'd better come quick. I just say Daddy talking to a really dumb lady, and he's getting stupider by the second!'

Boru

[Darinda]

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!”
The whole cell block breaks out laughing.
A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!”
Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number twenty-nine!”
This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, “How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?”
“Oh,” says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, “we’d never heard that one before.”

[Silver]

^^ I don't get it. Are the numbers supposed to be how many people they've each killed?

[A. Secular Human]

^^ I don't get it. Are the numbers supposed to be how many people they've each killed?

“we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

[Silver]

Oh, the jokes are numbered. Got it.