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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 6:30 pm
Reminds me of one I heard years ago.
A blonde buys herself a volkswagon beetle and is driving it home when it breaks down.
She opens the bonet and notices that there's no engine.
A few minutes later another blonde pulls up in a volkswagon beetle and asks what the problem is.
"I can't believe it!" says the first blonde. "I just bought a new beetle and it was going well until I broke down here. I opened the front and the engine is missing!"
"It's okay, " says the second blonde, "I can help. I have a spare engine in the boot!"
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 7:14 pm
(This post was last modified: October 22, 2014 at 7:42 pm by Cyberman.)
Then there was the blonde who got so sick of all the "dumb blonde" jokes that she bought a redhead wig online. Over the next few days, she was amazed at how differently people treated her. No longer the butt of the jokes, her confidence swelled and she felt she could do anything. She quit her dead-end job, got a better one. To better fit her new image, she learned to drive.
The day she passed her test, she went out, bought a top of the range sportscar and took it for a spin in the countryside. After a while, she parked up next to a field where sheep were gambolling.
"Hi," she said to the farmer.
"Arternoon," he replied, as per union rules.
"Beautiful sheep," she said.
"Oh ar," replied farmer. "They'm just 'aad little'uns. Fac' is, oi got zo many oi'm got to zell a few."
The ex-blonde thought for a moment. She was really taken with the cute lambs.
"Tell you what," she said, "if I can guess how many lambs you have, would you let me keep one?"
The farmer scratched his stubble. "That zounds alroight to oi, little mizzy."
So bringing all her new-found confidence to bear she closed her eyes, paused and then declared, "You have forty-two lambs."
The horny-handed son of toil grinned, flashing his tooth at her. "You'm exaactly roight," he sort of said. "Oi do got faaty-doo lambs. Now 'ee can chooze the one 'ee faancies."
So feeling really pleased with herself, she reached down, picked up the cutest animal and plonks it into the car.
"Now," said the farmer, "it'z moi turn. If'n oi can tell 'ee you'm real 'air colour, can oi 'aave moi dog baack?"
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 7:34 pm
One day, the blonde, the brunette and the redhead - all expectant mothers - are discussing how their children were conceived.
'When my husband and I did it,' says the brunette, 'he was on top, so that means I'm having a boy.'
'I've heard that!' says the redhead. 'When I did it with my husband, I was the one on top, so that means I'm going to have a little girl.'
At the point, the blonde starts sobbing and chokes out between her tears, 'I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PUPPY!!'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 7:42 pm
Okay, this could possibly be a low blow (and by this I'm not referring to a friend's dwarf girlfriend . . . )
Why did Princess Di cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt . . .
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 7:43 pm
Ouch!
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm
Yeah, sorry.
Just read it elsewhere.
Should have been in offensive jokes.
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 8:02 pm
Not in my book. That was kudos-worthy!
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 22, 2014 at 8:06 pm
(This post was last modified: October 22, 2014 at 8:21 pm by The Valkyrie.)
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away," is quite a conundrum when you are a doctor . . .
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
October 23, 2014 at 10:08 pm
Had a couple of pigeons on the balcony again this afternoon. I don't want to encourage them to nest on it, so I tried to scare them off by shouting at them. To my amazement, the shock gave them both heart attacks and they fell off, dead.
I never realised you actually can kill two birds with one's tone.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
October 23, 2014 at 10:14 pm
*Cringe*
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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