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RE: joke time
November 27, 2014 at 12:33 pm
(This post was last modified: November 27, 2014 at 12:34 pm by Losty.)
>Eagle Scout, student body president, and regular blood donor Mike Brown was on his way from his volunteer shift at the soup kitchen when suddenly Neo-Nazi KKK Grand-Wizard and climate-skeptic Darren Wilson saw the glow of his halo.
>He stepped out of his gas-guzzling hummer and took chase.
>Mike Brown, weighed down by his backpack full of Nobel peace prizes and handwritten letters to grandma, was soon overtaken by the Aryan Nation member.
>The only escape was to the street, but alas, there was no crosswalk.
>Faced with certain death or breaking the law, the straight-A student made his stand.
>He attampts to reason with his attacker but the iliterate racist murderer only has ears for white supremacy speeches and Mein Kampf passages.
>"Any last words?" said Darren Wilson through a mouthful of chewing tobacco.
>Mike Brown looks his executioner in the eye, puts his hands up clearly inidcating his surrender and says "World Peace"
>"FUCK BLACK PEOPLE!" shouts Darren Wilson as he unloads the clip of his fully automatic assault rifle.
>If not for the Republican Party, Brown may have survived, but the skinhead's extended magazine, unfettered by gun-control legislation, unloads hundreds of rounds into the Harvard-bound, endangered animals advocate.
>After Brown's death, a peaceful protest ensued.
(August 21, 2017 at 11:31 pm)KevinM1 Wrote: "I'm not a troll"
Religious Views: He gay
0/10
Hammy Wrote:and we also have a sheep on our bed underneath as well
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RE: joke time
November 28, 2014 at 1:47 am
Why did the mental patient put his penis in a packet of pistachios?
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RE: joke time
November 30, 2014 at 3:14 pm
What happened to the last guy who went to Mount Olive?
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
November 30, 2014 at 3:53 pm
(This post was last modified: November 30, 2014 at 3:55 pm by IATIA.)
Why do we put angels on christmas trees?
Once upon a christmas eve, a long, long time ago, it was a foggy night, the reindeer were all sick, the elves were on strike, Mrs. Clause was PMSing and Santa was behind on his list, when a knock came at the door.
Santa gets up to answer the door, slips on some eggnog, falls down, busts his ass.
The door opens up and an angel is standing there with a tree.
"Santa, what should I do with this tree?"
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
December 5, 2014 at 5:30 am
I'm seriously considering emigrating to Switzerland - the people, the social safety net, the food, the scenery.
And the flag is a big plus...
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
December 7, 2014 at 12:00 am
(This post was last modified: December 7, 2014 at 12:29 am by Schwa.)
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. Suddenly, ahead of them, a twelve year old boy turned the corner and began walking towards them. The priest got really excited, and clasping the rabbi's shoulder says "Do you see that sweet little boy just up ahead? We should fuck him!"
The rabbi, a confused look on his face, stares at the boy for a few seconds. He then turns back to the priest, and replies, "...out of what?"
What does Albert Fish do after eating his vegetables/
He gets rid of the wheelchairs.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Zu'ul Knut
Hey, Zu'ul Knut!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
It sat down beside her
And said "Hey bitch! How's the food?"
Bill, a construction contractor, dies and is soon in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks over his file, glances at Bill and says, "Hmmm... looks like you were a contractor. I'm sorry, but we just don't let your kind in here." With that, Pete flips a switch, a trapdoor opens, and Bill zoots down a chute straight to Hell.
Bill, rather than gnashing in anguish, finds that Hell's residents and himself are quite bored, and always TOO warm. Going stir crazy, he starts smelting whatever iron ore he can find and hammers it into beams. He then began to mix and pour concrete, and before anyone knew it a first set of luxury condos had been constructed.
One day, God gives Satan a call, asking how things are going down in Hell.
"Great", says Satan. "I can't thank you enough for sending me that contractor. We have condos, swimming pools, air conditioning, cafeterias... things are really finally starting to turn around.!
This startled God. "A contractor? We never send contractors to Hell! Either Pete is off the wagon again or someone is playing a joke on me!!! Well... I hate to do this, but you have to send him back."
"No way!" Satan replied. "YOUR department fucked up, man. You made your bed, now you EAT IT!"
God, angered, screams into his phone, "GIVE HIM BACK, OR SO HELP ME I WILL SUE!!!"
Satan gave a hearty bemused chuckle, grinned, and said "Oh yeah? Just where exactly are YOU going to find a lawyer?
Formerly Old Man Marsh of TTA
"Don't let those gnomes and illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions."
--Jake the Dog
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RE: joke time
December 8, 2014 at 6:18 pm
Heard today about a poor little kid who fell into a washing machine.
Fortunately he wasn't hurt, just highly agitated.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
December 8, 2014 at 7:38 pm
If a blackbird has black babies and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?
A swallow.
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RE: joke time
December 8, 2014 at 8:51 pm
Well, recently President Obama dispatched Bill Clinton, as a popular ex-President, to the Middle East, in the hope that he might find a way to peace there. Bubba's plane stopped in at Rome and picked up the Pope, who was to attend the summit as well; but the plane suffered engine trouble over the Mediterranean, and crashed into the sea, killing all aboard.
Naturally, the sudden rush of business caused a lot of confusion at the Pearly Gates, and in the confusion, Clinton was let into Heaven, while the Pope was sent to the Nether Regions.
Of course, the Pontiff was pretty hot about the screw-up, so when he got to Hell's Atrium he demanded a phone. The startled demon in charge handed him the Hotline, and when St Peter picked up, off the Pope went: "You %^*$! I spent my entire life a virgin, and this is the thanks I get?" and so on, until St Pete breaks in: "Your Holiness, listen, we made a mistake. Give me a few minutes, I'll get this straightened out, just you cool your heels. We're on it."
A few minutes later the phone rings, and the Pope is told he can make his way up to Heaven.
On the escalator going up, who does he happen to meet but Bubba coming at him on the down escalator. "I'm sorry you're going there, my son," says the Pope.
"Oh, it's okay, I'll be running that place in no time. How're you?"
"I'm thrilled to be finally meeting the Blessed Virgin."
Clinton gives his famous chuckle. "Heh, Your Holiness, you're about fifteen minutes late."
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RE: joke time
December 10, 2014 at 7:43 pm
I was in a bar the other day and there was this rather large lady, of a type known affectionately as a salad dodger, wearing a t-shirt that said "Watch out - I'm a man-eater!"
I went up to her and said, "Excuse me; about your shirt..."
She threw me a dirty look. "I know," she snapped, "you want to know how many men I've eaten! Well, I have a glandular problem; I can't help my size and I don't care what you think!"
I held up my hands and said, "No, no - you've got me pegged all wrong. I wasn't going to say anything like that."
She looked a little taken aback and said, "Oh, ok! Um, what did you want to say, then?"
I said, "I just wanted to point out that's not how you spell 'manatee'."
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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