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RE: joke time
January 25, 2015 at 2:55 pm
Dammit!
"Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant.
Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped.
Facter: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses.
Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder.
Vote "yes" on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids."
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RE: joke time
January 25, 2015 at 3:01 pm
Short stop.
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
January 25, 2015 at 3:28 pm
A limerick I was told while overseas
There was a young man from Belgrave'
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I have to admit, I'm a bit of a shit,
"But think of the money I save!"
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
January 25, 2015 at 3:56 pm
What do religious nuts think it going to happen if same-sex marriage is allowed everywhere?
Armegaydon
What does a gay horse say?
Neigh. All horses say neigh, you fucktard.
What do you call a stupid Creationist?
A Creationist.
Gone
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RE: joke time
January 25, 2015 at 4:47 pm
A man sits down at a blackjack table, and God is sitting in the chair next to him. The dealer deals out the hand, and the man has a 17. God tells him to hit, he hits and the dealer gives him a 2. God tells him to hit again. So the man hits and is dealt an ace. God tells him to hit a third time, so the man hits and the dealers throws out a 4, and God yells, "Fuck!!"
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RE: joke time
January 26, 2015 at 3:01 am
What's red and looks a little bit like a dog.
Half a dog.
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RE: joke time
January 26, 2015 at 4:17 am
While reading a biography of Benjamin Disraeli, I was astonished to learn that his old mum had twin sisters, who made quite a good living raising and selling talking birds.
The chapter was called, 'The Parrots Of Ben's Aunts.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
January 26, 2015 at 4:54 am
How can you tell if God is Allah or Yahweh? Ask him the name of his imaginary friend.
Allah and Yahweh are just the same side of a different coin, a coin I spent many years ago.
How did jesus get the second part of his name? The reaction of the crowd at the first ever bible reading, describing all the shit jesus was meant to have done. It kind of stuck.
How do you tell if a book is divinely inspired? Read the book, and see if it tells you that it is divinely inspired.
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RE: joke time
January 26, 2015 at 8:16 pm
(This post was last modified: January 26, 2015 at 8:17 pm by Cyberman.)
Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad,
Me farver gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad.
But then one day I learned a word that saved me achin' nose;
The biggest word you've ever heard and this is how it goes:
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
January 26, 2015 at 8:25 pm
Hear what happened to the Chinese man with an erection who ran full-speed into a wall?
He broke his nose.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
