Respecting Christian family and friends

[watchamadoodle]

Here is my situation:

I am a middle-aged, unmarried guy, but my mother is a devout Christian and my siblings and their families are also Christian (although Christianity isn't central to their life in the way that it is to my mother's life). I visit my mother several times per week, because she lives alone.

I haven't been to church for several years, and my family is aware that I have had doubts about Christianity, but I have concealed my growing certainty that Christianity is false. I still find myself thinking Christian thoughts, and sometimes I wonder if Christians are interacting with a God of some kind even though the religion is factually false.

I've concealed my disbelief in Christianity, because I know it would upset my mother (she would worry that I am going to hell). I don't think anybody else in my family would care too much. I often watch Christian TV or movies with my mother. Sometimes we go to Christian bookstores. I don't go to church, but I've thought about attending a service now and then too.

I feel very conflicted. Concealing my true feelings is somewhat disrespectful. I feel a mixture of contempt and pity for Christians. I wish I could speak openly, but I don't want to poison their faith if it makes them happy. I hate the way Christianity divides people through the heaven and hell nonsense.

Just wondering if others face these issues?

[dyresand]

well drop subtle hints nothing to extreme i warn you nothing to extreme.

[Minimalist]

Would they respect your views?

[Elskidor]

The closest I can relate to this is to my sister and brother-in-law who are some kind of Pagans. Their spirituality seems to be the center of their life. All of their friends are of like mind, and they use to try to get me too attend their groups and rituals. I did go to many and thought the were awesome, but still found it bogus. If I bring up my lack of belief there is an uncomfortable silence, as if they aren't sure if I think them loony for their spirituality or perhaps they are judging me. Who knows.

There is of course my wife, who has always been some weird mixed faith breed, tossing in elements of the Catholic religion and Wicca, but every time she starts to drink lately she starts ranting how she doesn't believe there is a god because if there is he/she really hates her. She's been in a bad state of depression so I'm not really sure if it will stick, so I don't go full blown god bashing and religion mocking when she does this.

Handling devout religious people within the family has got to be as bad as handling family members with complete opposite political beliefs. Now, I have plenty of them! I quit talking to all of my dad's side of the family many many years ago.

I guess I really didn't answer a question there. Just do what makes you feel comfortable. Keep hiding it if you want, or come on out gently.

[robvalue]

That's a very difficult one. Matt D has addressed this often on the atheist experience. The way he put it, is to weigh up if you are prepared for any fallout you think is likely. Is it important enough for you to be out and honest, to risk the rift it may cause? That's a difficult one to weigh up, and only you will know that.

My advice for the mean time is to try to meet as many atheist friends as you can (I assume you are leaning this way, sounds like it to me) so you can be yourself with them, and bitch about religion to get it out your system.

The other approach is to just not bring it up unless they approach you about it. Then calmly state your reasons for how you feel. Make it clear that you are having doubts about your feelings and faith, not about them as people. Some people tend to take it personally. As they identify so closely with their religion. Hopefully if they can see your reasons are sound and you're not being confrontational, it's up to them whether they accept this or start to cause a problem. If they do, you can point out that family should be more important than disagreements, and to come to an arrangement to just not discuss it.

Hope some of that helped

[Tonus]

Would they respect your views?

This. I would add a reminder that if they have been taught by religion to feel terror or to shun you because you found your own path, that is not your fault. Religion uses misplaced guilt to keep people in line, when deception and ignorance no longer suffice.

[Tombochan]

I have an older sister who is the last of my near relatives who I still have a fairly close if guarded relationship with. To my utter amazement she went back to school in her mid 50's and earned her second Masters, this one in religious studies, then became a minister in the First Church of Christ. While it is not a fundamentalist faction they and she believe in the core tenets of Christianity e.g. Virgin conception, miracles performed, and resurection. As I said, I was stunned that as intelligent, worldly wise and educated as she is that she could believe such utter nonsense, but she does.
I do not discuss her nor my beliefs with her because I worry that doing so would cause permanent estrangement between us and I love her want to retain whatever closeness we have. To anyone else considering coming out as an atheist to family or friends I think you might want to weigh the value of doing so against the possibility and worth of losing whatever relationship with them that you have.

[vorlon13]

THANK GOD Almighty I do not have any goddamn fucking Mormon or Jehovah Witness relatives !!!!

Have a sister that goes to a Baptist schism, but weirdly, they sorta seem more liberal than the mainliners. Sis agrees the Mormons are ESPECIALLY fucked up.

I've got more relatives that should be in 12 Steppers . . .

[robvalue]

Christians calling other Christians mental, that makes me all fuzzy inside. Let them do our work for us.

[thesummerqueen]

Yeah, I think it depends on who you value in your family.

Last year I lost my beloved great-uncle. I wouldn't have bitched about going to synagogue with him or doing Jewwy things for the entire planet. Of course, he never guilted me about anything either. Everyone else at this point, I couldn't give a shit about their opinion.