How should I go about telling my parents that I'm atheist

[Ghost2282]

First off, I have nothing against my parents religious beliefs. I respect them for it and think they're wonderful kind people. But throughout the years, I've notice that I have started to question religion more and more. I was raised in a Christian home. LDS to be specific. I remember one time when I was 14 my Dad walked on me one morning and caught me masturbating. He then got this frustrated look on his face and he asked me "Do you know what that is you're doing"? And I told him yeah, and he replies in an angry voice "THAT'S MASTURBATING"!!!! He then made me go talk to my bishop about it and all that other nonsense. And ever since then, I just notice that has distanced me further and further from religion in general. I just feel like it's too controlling, and too often people will use religion as an excuse to make others feel like crap.

Like another instance when I was 17, I was busted stealing. I ended up paying the money back in about 3 months. However, they took all my electronics and made me feel really terrible about it. They then took advantage of the situation to force religion onto me even more. They made me read scriptures more and listen and read LDS General conference talks. It was weird and eventually they stopped, but still; I feel kind of like they abused that situation a little bit.

I also have always been somewhat of a misfit in the LDS church. I don't really fit the Mormon type. I don't have blond hair, I'm not super spiritual nor do I follow every commandment. Like I've always been a major energy drinker since I was 13. But one time I brought a Monster to a Youth activity, I was publicly shamed for it by my other fellow youth. But then when the popular rich kid in my ward did it, it became really cool all of the sudden.

That's another thing I despised about growing up in the LDS Faith. Like I know several kids who seemed to just be the popular rich kids and were also know as the super spiritual kids; but were really only acting it out when they were around the other youth. They'd often be doing the exact opposite of what they preached and were just major hypocrites.

Now I'm 21 years old and a college student and have lost my belief in God. I really don't think he exists. I go to church still every Sunday, but I only go for an hour, mostly just to keep my mother happy. My Dad is a stake president so he hasn't sat with us during church since I was 9 years old.

I still live with them, but am moving out because I'm transferring to a university this fall, thankfully! But I just don't know when to tell that I'm just not religious anymore and don't believe. Because I have heard that it's best to do it when you're supporting yourself and on your own; because then that way your parents can't "cut you off" or some sort of silly thing that Christian parents would probably do. I'm also just super afraid they'll hate me.

Sorry about this being kind of lengthy, but I just had to give some background to the story.

[The Valkyrie]

First up, welcome aboard, Ghost.

It's a very difficult thing to give advice on. And I understand there can be serious repercussions and shunning when coming out of the LDS?

I would honestly suggest waiting until you're financially independent and in a stable situation before making the declaration.

Perhaps even mention atheism in passing and see their reaction. They might surprise you.

[psychoslice]

Parents don't own their kids, especially at your age, just tell them, if their mature enough they will understand, if not then maybe they need to grow up. love isn't owing someone and wanting them to be like yourself, its letting the other be who they are, yea you need to break the hold and grow up and live your life, if you don't you will always be living someone else's life, and what a wast that would be.

[SteelCurtain]

Welcome!

Like Beccs said, it's a really difficult thing to give advice on---there are so many factors that only you can know.

Financial independence is an important factor. Parents can surprise you, either way. My parents are about as fundie as you can get, and when I told them I was an atheist, there response was not what I expected. I expected them to be extremely divisive and disown me, but they didn't at all. They are loving and supportive. It took them a long time to get used to the idea that I don't believe the same things they do, but they did eventually get used to it.

But on the other side, we have many people just on this site that will tell you about some horrible experiences they had when they told their family.

A good barometer is to have conversations about a "friend" you met in college who is an atheist, and sing his praises. Tell them about how cool this person is and how much you respect him, and see how they respond. This will let you know two things: whether they respect your judgment, and their response to the term atheist. Just be prepared to not take it personal if they have a reaction.

Also, keep looking into it. Read books from both sides. It seems from your examples that your issue with religion is less about the evidence pro or con, but about the tenets themselves. Discover more, so you will have more ammunition on your side if you do have the conversation.

[robvalue]

Hello Ghost, welcome to the forum Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone through. Everything you say about religion is bang on. It is primarily about control, and it's common to pile it on at every opportunity like salt in a wound. One big feature of Christianity in all forms is shame, to try and get people feeling really shitty about themselves so they feel they need "saving". It's a horrific tactic. Things that are true do not need such underhand methods to get people to believe them. It's really big on sexual shaming, as you have found out. I hope you know that this is all more garbage, and that there is nothing wrong with masturbation or other sexual activities. This kind of mind set is very harmful, and leads people to be repressed, causing all sorts of problems.

Others have given great advice already. I particularly like the "atheist friend" one. Since you're talking to us, you wouldn't even be lying (assuming you find us pleasant ) If there is still doubt that they may flip out and make things really hard for you, then I agree waiting until you are independent is a wise move. It sucks that anyone has to make this decisions, parents should love and respect their children no matter their religious choices. Sadly, often religion is so beaten into the parents that they view lack of it as having something wrong with you. By showing them that you haven't changed, you are still you and are a good person, hopefully they will see that it's not important.

I hope you stick around on the forum, I look forward to chatting more If you want any resources for arguments or anything else, let us know!

[Minimalist]

Unless they are royally pissing you off about it you should be able to avoid the subject until you move away.

From there you can just gradually "lose interest" in religion and blame it on the university environment....unless you are going to Brigham Young or some other mormon thing.

[robvalue]

Yeah, you can always refuse to discuss it rather than come outright and say you're an atheist, if you judge that they would react really badly to that. If they do decide to change how they treat you, then it's totally on them and not you. They are the ones who are choosing to create a problem.

---

I need to compile some of this wisdom from you guys onto my blog A "dealing with religious friends/family" section.

[emilynghiem]

First off, I have nothing against my parents religious beliefs. I respect them for it and think they're wonderful kind people. But throughout the years, I've notice that I have started to question religion more and more. I was raised in a Christian home. LDS to be specific. I remember one time when I was 14 my Dad walked on me one morning and caught me masturbating. He then got this frustrated look on his face and he asked me "Do you know what that is you're doing"? And I told him yeah, and he replies in an angry voice "THAT'S MASTURBATING"!!!! He then made me go talk to my bishop about it and all that other nonsense. And ever since then, I just notice that has distanced me further and further from religion in general. I just feel like it's too controlling, and too often people will use religion as an excuse to make others feel like crap.

Like another instance when I was 17, I was busted stealing. I ended up paying the money back in about 3 months. However, they took all my electronics and made me feel really terrible about it. They then took advantage of the situation to force religion onto me even more. They made me read scriptures more and listen and read LDS General conference talks. It was weird and eventually they stopped, but still; I feel kind of like they abused that situation a little bit.

I also have always been somewhat of a misfit in the LDS church. I don't really fit the Mormon type. I don't have blond hair, I'm not super spiritual nor do I follow every commandment. Like I've always been a major energy drinker since I was 13. But one time I brought a Monster to a Youth activity, I was publicly shamed for it by my other fellow youth. But then when the popular rich kid in my ward did it, it became really cool all of the sudden.

That's another thing I despised about growing up in the LDS Faith. Like I know several kids who seemed to just be the popular rich kids and were also know as the super spiritual kids; but were really only acting it out when they were around the other youth. They'd often be doing the exact opposite of what they preached and were just major hypocrites.

Now I'm 21 years old and a college student and have lost my belief in God. I really don't think he exists. I go to church still every Sunday, but I only go for an hour, mostly just to keep my mother happy. My Dad is a stake president so he hasn't sat with us during church since I was 9 years old.

I still live with them, but am moving out because I'm transferring to a university this fall, thankfully! But I just don't know when to tell that I'm just not religious anymore and don't believe. Because I have heard that it's best to do it when you're supporting yourself and on your own; because then that way your parents can't "cut you off" or some sort of silly thing that Christian parents would probably do. I'm also just super afraid they'll hate me.

Sorry about this being kind of lengthy, but I just had to give some background to the story.

Hi Ghost: sounds like you have 3 or 4 issues going on.
1. the LDS approach is not natural for all people and should never be forced. if they are putting pressure on you,
that needs to be resolved or it will mess things up regardless what faith you have or don't share with your parents. i would seek a professoinal counselor experienced with reconciling families with these kind of differences so you don't stress yourself out. I know some families with mixed JW and nonJW who have worked out their differences, but this has been disastrous for other families.

2. your relations with your parents will affect your sense of balance and control and needs to be resolved, regardless which religions are involved. the LDS can complicate it more if people are intolerant. But if the family is willing to reconcile, it is just their language and support system for resolving conflicts, it can work for you depending how its used. I've been able to work things out with Mormons to reach an agreed understanding as long as they don't get cultish and weird about it. Your parents may see the LDS as part of their identity, but this is a layer. The real issue underneath still remains for you to work things out with them psychologically and personally, where there is mutual trust and ability to communicate as normal.

3. if you are nontheist and secular, that is a separate issues, and there is NOTHING wrong with it. you don't have to reject Christianity to be a righteous gentile who follows what is right by conscience or nature. this is a valid path and does not contradict Christianity but is complementary if it is followed consistently. the UU recognize and include secular approaches, and other denominations also.

4. the true meaning in Christianity and religion is a separate issue, which all people are struggling with and very few have down. so I wouldn't judge all things the same just because of LDS which has its own issues, as do other denominations. If you judge what you believe based on these groups, you are in trouble to begin with.

if I were you, just focus on being okay with your views and path in life #3 without feeling guilt or fear of rejection. Don't reject others and they won't reject you. but if they fear rejection, it starts all this projection nonsense so try not to take it personally. if it comes up, I would seek an experienced counselor who respects both your views and theirs and puts your relationship above religion first and foremost.

if you are nontheist and just secular in your approach to life, then explain that you are a secular gentile and prefer to understand things with your mind before you accept things on faith.

if you have issues with LDS as a cult that you don't feel you belong to that is a whole other issue. if you have serious questions or issues with abuse and coercion, please seek counseling for cult abuse and recovery, because this requires special care. If people are addicted to their cults, that is not something you can help on your own.

take it one step at a time. find friends or counselors who support you in resolving issues with your parents #2 regardless of their beliefs or yours. don't try to address this all at once because not even professionals can do that. start by what brings you peace, then work with your parents, and then expand from there, one step at a time.

[dreamsofpotato]

Funny how atheism and homosexuality have this in common: Those that come out risk being cut off by their parents.

I think Dan Savage (awesome sex collumnist who hosts the podcast, Savage Love) gives good advice in these situations:

If you think there's a chance your parents will cut you off, stay in the closet until coming out of the closet doesn't potentially make you homeless or in dire straights. Once you are independent and can stand on your own two financial legs, coming out as an atheist will be a whole lot easier.

[Alex K]

Welcome, Ghost!

I have at the moment little to add to what's been said already. I'm sorry for you that you went through this shaming thing!