Trying to Decide Something

[robvalue]

Thanks for sharing your story Becca, I'm very sorry for the heartache you have been through.

I think given the circumstances, it's a reasonable request to send. It's very well worded, and gives Dale and his brother every chance to say no.

I think you should send it, the worst that could happen is they say no or he never answers. Either way, at least you know you've tried. Otherwise, it will most likely hang over you for some time as I can sense this is very important to you. And just maybe it will be what he needs to cheer him up, and he'll appreciate you thinking of your good times together.

[Dystopia]

I'm not exactly sure if you're feeling just nostalgia and loneliness or genuine feelings, but you should send it

[rexbeccarox]

Thank Rob! Don't be sorry, though. Some of it sucked, but most of it was amazing, and I'm thankful for every second.

Dys- That actually really helps. You made me see something I wasn't considering clearly: what are my motivations.

Ok. I told myself that when I figured out my motivations for sending it, that's when I would decide one way or the other. I want to give him the opportunity to remember things as fondly as I do. That's it.

Thanks, guys. I'm sending it. Wish me luck!

[robvalue]

You're welcome

Great, I hope it goes well.

[rexbeccarox]

You guys really helped me out, and I got to thinking about things. I didn't send his brother the message; I ended up doing things a bit differently.

I realized I fucked up. I really, really, truly fucked up. I had an amazing man who was willing to deal with, and loved me despite, my quiet insanity, and my quiet insanity ruined our relationship. I loved him so much, and pushed him to limits. I feel like the worst person in the world.

I have gotten a bit obsessed with my search for him, but his family members, I've decided, are my last resort. He seems to have shunned social media, for the most part, so the obsessive googling has gotten me very little, but enough to give me some hope. The thing is: I thought I wanted him to share in the walk down memory lane, but what I really want is to apologize to him profusely... and also, I'll admit, that I would love for us to re-connect and live out the fairy tale we started. The truth is: if I had my 'druthers, he'd reply to one of the messages I've sent him (one to his WAY old email, and the other to his google+ account, which shows me almost nothing. His profile pic there is wicked handsome, though), we'd get to know each other again for a few months, he'd book a plane ticket here, he'd decide to stay, and we'd live happily ever after, whatever that means. I have no right to expect it though. I've always attempted to live in a "no regrets" way, but I realize I have every regret right now.

I just have no idea how to get Dale's attention without being insane about it. I feel like it might be important to both of us. I could be totally wrong; I've dealt with heartache so many times; it would suck if this didn't happen, but I would live. I just want to know.

How can I get his attention? I've actually (seriously: I might be completely off my rocker) been thinking about buying a ticket to Oz to find him, which is probably ridiculous, given my manic state right now.

You guys have anything for me? Gawds... even anything to send me into a depressive state would be better than the anxiety I have over waiting to see if Dale will respond to anything I've put out there.

Thanks again. Sorry for the length.

[Pizza]

Maybe you should wait a month and see if you still want to do this.

[rexbeccarox]

Maybe you should wait a month and see if you still want to do this.

Yeah... I'm sane enough to think that way. I keep trying to put time limits on myself- like: just wait a week before trying to contact him in another way; I'm just so ridiculously manic right now. I'm trying not to be nuts; I swear.

[robvalue]

Your situation reminds me of an extremely weird situation I was once in. I met this girl online and we talked for a while and got on really well. Eventually we met up, several times, and things seemed to be going great. Then all of a sudden she stops answering my messages. Ignored my emails, my texts, everything. We have another date booked to meet up, but I don't know if I'll see her. I sent more messages, and nothing. Eventually all I got was a really weird message, that she would talk to me later that day, but she never did. Time went on and she didn't show up for our meeting, and I never heard from her again. I spent about a month after this going absolutely insane... should I send her just one more message? What happened, did she go off me? Why won't she at least tell me she's OK?

For my own sanity I had to make the decision to make a clean break. I sent her one final message letting her know that I was giving up trying, and I tried to move on. It was hard, but eventually I got my sanity back.

I know your story is a lot more complicated than mine, but I kind of see a similarity in how not being able to get in contact is driving you crazy. So my advice would be to either send a message in the best way you can, or to make a decision to try and forget the idea altogether for your sanity. I wonder, are you chasing a ghost? When we remember the past, we always have a very skewed perspective, and can make ourselves believe it was something entirely different to what it was. Of course you have strong feelings and you had good times with him, I'm not trying to deny that of course. But I'm wondering if your expectations of what would happen if you got in contact are likely to fall short of what would actually happen, and would lead to more heartache. So many times I've tried to return to things in my past in some way, to relive them, and almost every time they are nothing like what I remember, and they even go so far as to destroy the nice memories I had of them. Maybe, as your memories are precious to you at the moment, they should be preserved as they are?

I hope something in there was useful, and that you can decide what is best for you.

[Clueless Morgan]

I've always attempted to live in a "no regrets" way, but I realize I have every regret right now.

I have mixed feelings about a "no regrets" philosophy about life. On the one hand it can lead to a lot of fun and interesting experiences you might not otherwise have had in life. On the other hand, it can blind you to your own motivations and give you an excuse to do things that could become harmful or damaging to yourself of someone else.

I don't know that there's a solution to this, other than to strive to live a "no regrets" life, but to remember that when your "no regrets" decisions significantly involve another person that a self-examination should be done to assess your own (and their) motives as a way of protecting both parties.

For myself, I know that I've used the "I don't want to have regrets about passing this opportunity up" as a means of forging ahead into a relationship without examining my own motives for pursuing it. In the end I did walked away with regrets, they were just a different set of regrets than I imagined I would have going in.

Having said this, this kind of comes back to Dys's allusion to examining your motives. Just as you should think about your own motives for wanting to reconnect, I think you should also spend some time examining just where your regrets are coming from. Do you regret how things ended between you? Or the fact that you engaged in the relationship in the first place? Do you regret how you treated each other? Is your desire to reconnect somehow related to your feelings of regret?

Yeah... I'm sane enough to think that way. I keep trying to put time limits on myself- like: just wait a week before trying to contact him in another way; I'm just so ridiculously manic right now. I'm trying not to be nuts; I swear.

I'm doing this with a particularly aggravating penpal. She is terrible about writing me back, and when she does she espouses her desire to keep writing but then goes months without contacting me about anything. I'll fb message her and I get a "seen" time stamp, but she never writes back, not even "hi." So I mark my calendar with the days I've emailed her and then project 6 to 8 weeks into the future before I email her again to check in.

Yes, it's extremely annoying, but it also means that I only get really obsessive/mad about her lack of communication every month and a half or so. (It's been one month yesterday since the last time I emailed her which was 8 weeks after the last time I heard from her - and that was only because it was my birthday. Before that it had been months. No, I'm not obsessing about this at all :p)

[SteelCurtain]

I echo CM's sentiments.

I have a sort of diametric sentiment about the "no regrets" thing.

On one hand, I fully support trying to make a connection with Dale. I think that as long as you are doing it in a respectful way, there is nothing wrong with trying to make a connection with another human being.

On the other hand, if you have reached out to him in a way in which you are sure he received your message, you have to be okay with the fact that you tried and he may not want to respond. Or maybe he just isn't in a place right now where he wants to respond. Maybe a year from now he'll look at an email or a letter that you sent him and decide that he actually does want to respond and you'll get a letter from him. Maybe.

I think it all comes down to a self-examination of your motives, as others have said. It also comes down to empathy. Think about his feelings as well. (Now, if I were him, and got several messages but didn't want to start a dialogue, I would send at least a brief response stating that.)

All in all, I think you need to at least try to get a response from someone, if only to ease your mind. Even if it's the brother telling you to sod off, I think a response of any kind is better than silence.