Wasn’t sure where to put my “story” since it’s not an introduction. Warning: this is somewhat of a long read, but if you can get through it all, then I thank you for it. I am hurting and I am angry and here is the reason why:
Below is an excerpt from a post on Facebook that I wrote this past Sunday. The short background is this:
I have two children ages 19 and 12. I also have two step-sons ages 13 and 10. My 19 year old has Down syndrome and Asperger’s. She was abruptly taken from me on January 13, 2014 by the father of my other daughter during a guardianship hearing. He has no familiar ties with my oldest. No blood ties, no adoption and no association through marriage from being a step parent. As time goes on I’m sure I’ll tell more, but for now, this is the best I can do without causing myself to cry more than I already have.
Again, it was written this past Sunday...
This is not a post that I had ever thought I would be writing. It is not one that I should have to write, but here it is, nonetheless. I dread the thought of March 15th for this day is now six months since I was last allowed to see my daughter, Jordan. That was the last day I was able to talk to my child. To tell her that I love her and to tell her that I would always love her. In that moment, I never thought in a million years that I would be sitting here, six months later, grieving over the fact that while she lives just three blocks away, she is intentionally and maliciously being kept from me.
These words hurt.
Is it worse than death? Unless you've been where I am now, you'll know that's difficult to answer with a simple yes or no. I still grieve. I still have a loss. My child is not here to hear me say "I love you" to. She is not here to hug. To hold her hand. To see her smile. So in that regard, it's the same. And while she is still very much alive, I am suffering a loss that is indescribable. There is no "closure". Only grief. As each day goes by, my hope diminishes. I no longer have faith in a court system that is supposed to protect families from this sort of injustice. There is no more believing that any judge in this land will do the right thing. There is only loss. There is no place I can visit to put flowers on or a toy or letter on. There is no place that I can go to "visit" my child because that place simply doesn't exist for me.
I don't look forward to today. But I'm going to do what I've done every day for the last six months. I'm going to put on a brave face, smile and give no indication to those who see me that there is a deep, dark hurt that wells in my heart. I will keep going on until I am completely broken. I miss my daughter. The daughter that I am not allowed to call or visit. The daughter that I am no longer allowed to see in school or be involved in her care in any way at all. It disgusts me that my own mother and sister have staunchly supported the person who has routinely emotionally and verbally abused me. He continues to do so, flexing his manipulative muscle by lying to the court and making up unprovable stories. Sadly, because his legal fees are being paid by my sister, I am on the losing end of this battle. I am heartbroken over the fact that my own family happily sees me suffer while they continue to pretend that life is great and that my daughter deserves to be kept from me. I believe there is a special kind of hell for them all. In the end they will get what they deserve for allowing the abuse and parental alienation to continue.
I love my daughter. No one will ever take that away from me. That is something that they cannot control. They cannot have that very part of me. It is mine. The love that I have for my daughter since the day she was born is mine and mine alone. Those who continue to wrong me only do so because they know that my love for my child is the ONE and ONLY thing they cannot stop. It drives them crazy to know that even after all they have done to try and destroy me financially, physically and mentally, I still carry this love just as strong as the day I brought Jordan into this world.
Regardless, it still hurts. It is a sharp, searing and knife-twisting pain that does not go away. It is there when I sleep and when I wake. It is there every second of every hour of every day. The not knowing if I will ever see her again still pains me every single day. And although you might see me or talk to me on the phone and I seem fine, I seem happy, please know that not a day goes by that my daughter is not occupying my mind. She is in my dreams. She is my reason for continuing to go on every day. There is no need to ask me how I am. Those who truly know me already know.
I am far from perfect. I've made my mistakes and there are things I regret doing. But I never deserved this. I never deserved having my child ripped from my arms. No, not this. There was absolutely no compelling reason for this to happen. And if I am feeling this way about the loss of my child, I can only imagine how she is feeling over the loss of her mother. Does she cry for me? Does she think about me? Does she know I'm still alive? Or are the abusers doing every bit of brainwashing they can to get her to forget all about me? This is a huge fear for me. I fear this every single day.
Parental Alienation IS child abuse. It is real and it is the stuff my nightmares are made of.
If you got this far, thank you from my entire soul for reading this.
Below is an excerpt from a post on Facebook that I wrote this past Sunday. The short background is this:
I have two children ages 19 and 12. I also have two step-sons ages 13 and 10. My 19 year old has Down syndrome and Asperger’s. She was abruptly taken from me on January 13, 2014 by the father of my other daughter during a guardianship hearing. He has no familiar ties with my oldest. No blood ties, no adoption and no association through marriage from being a step parent. As time goes on I’m sure I’ll tell more, but for now, this is the best I can do without causing myself to cry more than I already have.
Again, it was written this past Sunday...
This is not a post that I had ever thought I would be writing. It is not one that I should have to write, but here it is, nonetheless. I dread the thought of March 15th for this day is now six months since I was last allowed to see my daughter, Jordan. That was the last day I was able to talk to my child. To tell her that I love her and to tell her that I would always love her. In that moment, I never thought in a million years that I would be sitting here, six months later, grieving over the fact that while she lives just three blocks away, she is intentionally and maliciously being kept from me.
These words hurt.
Is it worse than death? Unless you've been where I am now, you'll know that's difficult to answer with a simple yes or no. I still grieve. I still have a loss. My child is not here to hear me say "I love you" to. She is not here to hug. To hold her hand. To see her smile. So in that regard, it's the same. And while she is still very much alive, I am suffering a loss that is indescribable. There is no "closure". Only grief. As each day goes by, my hope diminishes. I no longer have faith in a court system that is supposed to protect families from this sort of injustice. There is no more believing that any judge in this land will do the right thing. There is only loss. There is no place I can visit to put flowers on or a toy or letter on. There is no place that I can go to "visit" my child because that place simply doesn't exist for me.
I don't look forward to today. But I'm going to do what I've done every day for the last six months. I'm going to put on a brave face, smile and give no indication to those who see me that there is a deep, dark hurt that wells in my heart. I will keep going on until I am completely broken. I miss my daughter. The daughter that I am not allowed to call or visit. The daughter that I am no longer allowed to see in school or be involved in her care in any way at all. It disgusts me that my own mother and sister have staunchly supported the person who has routinely emotionally and verbally abused me. He continues to do so, flexing his manipulative muscle by lying to the court and making up unprovable stories. Sadly, because his legal fees are being paid by my sister, I am on the losing end of this battle. I am heartbroken over the fact that my own family happily sees me suffer while they continue to pretend that life is great and that my daughter deserves to be kept from me. I believe there is a special kind of hell for them all. In the end they will get what they deserve for allowing the abuse and parental alienation to continue.
I love my daughter. No one will ever take that away from me. That is something that they cannot control. They cannot have that very part of me. It is mine. The love that I have for my daughter since the day she was born is mine and mine alone. Those who continue to wrong me only do so because they know that my love for my child is the ONE and ONLY thing they cannot stop. It drives them crazy to know that even after all they have done to try and destroy me financially, physically and mentally, I still carry this love just as strong as the day I brought Jordan into this world.
Regardless, it still hurts. It is a sharp, searing and knife-twisting pain that does not go away. It is there when I sleep and when I wake. It is there every second of every hour of every day. The not knowing if I will ever see her again still pains me every single day. And although you might see me or talk to me on the phone and I seem fine, I seem happy, please know that not a day goes by that my daughter is not occupying my mind. She is in my dreams. She is my reason for continuing to go on every day. There is no need to ask me how I am. Those who truly know me already know.
I am far from perfect. I've made my mistakes and there are things I regret doing. But I never deserved this. I never deserved having my child ripped from my arms. No, not this. There was absolutely no compelling reason for this to happen. And if I am feeling this way about the loss of my child, I can only imagine how she is feeling over the loss of her mother. Does she cry for me? Does she think about me? Does she know I'm still alive? Or are the abusers doing every bit of brainwashing they can to get her to forget all about me? This is a huge fear for me. I fear this every single day.
Parental Alienation IS child abuse. It is real and it is the stuff my nightmares are made of.
If you got this far, thank you from my entire soul for reading this.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.
