Rewrite the Bible: Genesis 3:14-24 (with most up-to-date texts in bold)
March 19, 2015 at 9:28 pm
(This post was last modified: March 19, 2015 at 11:02 pm by Mudhammam.)
Here's my contribution:
14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
20 And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
21 Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
And the Lord God said, Oh, and one other thing: Thou children shall be stupid, and thou shall have to teach them the many stupid things thou stupid parents taught thou. In the meantime, while thou art teaching thou stupid selves stupid things, thou shall feel struck by strong pricks of a sort which thou shall call "passions. These shall drive thou mad, and I shall be compiling a list on stone tablets sometime of the many other stupid things I have commanded forbidden as well, just because I am the Lord God and that is awesome!!! Ha ha. Stupid clay man. But behold, for I speak of many more evils to befall you! In view of thou's return to dust, in, oh, about sixty more years, if thou lucky (Cherubims, hearken! Turn over thy hourglass!), thou shall always feel distress and confusion, and life shall seem like a big trick to thou children, for which I the Lord give them much credit, for that is exactly what it is. They shall discover many things about the heavens and it shall make everything else they have been told super retarded. And they shall become overrun with tears due to the plagues and diseases I shall pour forth on the children of both just and unjust alike! And weather prophets will not be able to foretell the great calamities I the Lord your God shall send your cities! And people shall feel passions that compel them to do all sorts of evils! Brother shall kill brother! Servant shall kill king! Oh, yes! There shall be masters and slaves, and all kinds of debauchery! Woman shall be treated as an inferior creature on account of my fashioning her from Adam's rib, and man shall plow her field to her displeasure. And thou shall call this rape, which I shall be instructing a servant of mine to write down at some point in the future so that thou know how to teach thy children the ways of righteousness. But even this shall not matter, because soon I shall send my Son, who is also me, to forgive everything thou do that is bad in the sight of thou Lord, and some shall believe in the silly stories his friends tell after he, or I, dies---yes I die too, but that comes later---anyway, these art the ones I shall save from utter destruction, because after all, that is what shall follow all these things. I shall destroy everything with water first. Then by fire. And everyone who does not believe in the silly stories my Son's friends tell shall die and then be tormented by fire forever! Not literal fire, though! Wait, literal? No, I'm not sure yet. Get back to me on that. But the rest shall be saved. And I shall create a new and a new earth. Okay, that is all for now. Go, and see what great evils await for thou and thou children. P.S. I love you.
24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;
19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
20 And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.
21 Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
And the Lord God said, Oh, and one other thing: Thou children shall be stupid, and thou shall have to teach them the many stupid things thou stupid parents taught thou. In the meantime, while thou art teaching thou stupid selves stupid things, thou shall feel struck by strong pricks of a sort which thou shall call "passions. These shall drive thou mad, and I shall be compiling a list on stone tablets sometime of the many other stupid things I have commanded forbidden as well, just because I am the Lord God and that is awesome!!! Ha ha. Stupid clay man. But behold, for I speak of many more evils to befall you! In view of thou's return to dust, in, oh, about sixty more years, if thou lucky (Cherubims, hearken! Turn over thy hourglass!), thou shall always feel distress and confusion, and life shall seem like a big trick to thou children, for which I the Lord give them much credit, for that is exactly what it is. They shall discover many things about the heavens and it shall make everything else they have been told super retarded. And they shall become overrun with tears due to the plagues and diseases I shall pour forth on the children of both just and unjust alike! And weather prophets will not be able to foretell the great calamities I the Lord your God shall send your cities! And people shall feel passions that compel them to do all sorts of evils! Brother shall kill brother! Servant shall kill king! Oh, yes! There shall be masters and slaves, and all kinds of debauchery! Woman shall be treated as an inferior creature on account of my fashioning her from Adam's rib, and man shall plow her field to her displeasure. And thou shall call this rape, which I shall be instructing a servant of mine to write down at some point in the future so that thou know how to teach thy children the ways of righteousness. But even this shall not matter, because soon I shall send my Son, who is also me, to forgive everything thou do that is bad in the sight of thou Lord, and some shall believe in the silly stories his friends tell after he, or I, dies---yes I die too, but that comes later---anyway, these art the ones I shall save from utter destruction, because after all, that is what shall follow all these things. I shall destroy everything with water first. Then by fire. And everyone who does not believe in the silly stories my Son's friends tell shall die and then be tormented by fire forever! Not literal fire, though! Wait, literal? No, I'm not sure yet. Get back to me on that. But the rest shall be saved. And I shall create a new and a new earth. Okay, that is all for now. Go, and see what great evils await for thou and thou children. P.S. I love you.
24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
He who loves God cannot endeavour that God should love him in return - Baruch Spinoza
