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October 14, 2015 at 1:57 pm (This post was last modified: October 14, 2015 at 2:04 pm by MTL.)
Ok, well, bear in mind that I never intended on subjecting you guys to the details.
I've written it out because people seem to be interested in knowing,
but this is a long, puerile tale of sibling jealousy
and I really never expected anyone to be interested in reading the details.
So, here is just the SHORT VERSION, in point-form (this isn't even the full story):
WHY SHE HATES ME SO MUCH:
I don’t ultimately know what my sister’s REAL problem is, with me (if there really even IS one)
because despite asking her, repeatedly, over the years, why she hates me so much,
she can’t give me a reason.
During the Christmas visit in 2013, I asked her that question, and she got frustrated and said to me:
“ I don’t know!!! I don’t know!!! MTL, You do acknowledge that when we were little kids,
you were overbearing, domineering, and overprotective
…but I remember it worse than that. I remember you as a MONSTER. “
I found this jarring. A monster? All I can remember was worrying about her all the time.
It seemed very incongruous to me, that I remember loving and protecting her
…as well as bossing her around, as older sisters do, yes…
but she is saying that she remembers me as a “monster”.
I wasn’t even really one for teasing her, all that much. Usually, she was teasing me.
So, since she couldn’t cite an example of my alleged 'monstrosity',
I pursued the matter further:
I SUGGESTED to her the worst things I could remember doing:
-Accidents…breaking her favourite figurine.
-Deliberately destroying this one shirt we were quarrelling over, as teenagers
(and I was ashamed of that even as I did it…it was melodramatic and out of character, even for me,
at 15 years of age. I later gave her a gift card by way of apology and compensation).
But the thing I am most ashamed of from our childhood, that I most regret, when I was about 15 or 16,
was deliberately tearing up a note she had written me, without reading it,
detailing why she hated me so much.
I feel terrible about that. It was done in a pique of anger and I wish I could read that note, now,
….but I already apologized for that, proactively, years ago, and have repeatedly expressed my regret about it.
I only suggested these items to her, remember,
because these stand out in my memory as the things of which I am most ashamed,
….and because when I asked her for an example of why she hated me, she couldn’t give me one.
Her response to my prompts?
She didn’t even remember those incidents.
And they were the worst that I could recall.
So my question is this:
If she remembers me as a monster, but can’t give an example,
And when reminded, by me, of the worst things I can recall,
She doesn’t even remember them…
…is it perhaps possible that she is just building me up in her mind as being much worse than I actually was???
(Of course I know she is insecure, and IMO, that is most likely to be the real and only problem).
POWER PLAYS:
I have come to be of the opinion that my sister makes what I call “Power Plays” which are basically bids to control the people around her, in order to make her feel more secure:
-Knowing that she is free to visit whenever she wants, as long as she wants…but DELIBERATELY not complying, and instead, waiting until the scheduled departure time, and then extending her visits:
She knows this is inconsiderate and inconvenient to everyone, especially me;
(and also inconveniencing the very parents whose side she claims to be on,
and inconveniencing her fiancé, as well), But knowing that when I ask for that boundary to be respected, It will give her grounds to claim that I am “telling mom and dad what to do with their own house”
-Blowing off boundaries:
My parents have been asking her for a YEAR to respect their rule about not extending departure times when she visits. She keeps saying “okay” and then flagrantly blows the rule off.
-When boundaries are finally enforced...she finds another way to bend the rules:
After a year of asking her to respect that rule, they finally ENFORCED it, and she got quite annoyed.
Her next move? To insist on coming down two weekends in a row, instead….rather than wait the usual two or three weeks for another visit. In other words, if one method of controlling doesn’t work, she’ll come up with something else.
-Agreeing to a talk….then postponing it for no reason, at the last second:
She agreed to sit down to a roundtable talk, two weeks ago. I waited until the appointed time, and at the last second, she asked if we could postpone it until next week, because “that would work better for her”. She got away with it.
-When we do finally sit down to a talk….makes us wait again:
The following week, we are again ready to sit down and talk. She did nothing while I was in the shower, right before our scheduled talk, but then, when the time is upon us, she suddenly again finds an excuse…getting up and insisting that she has “low blood sugar’ and making us wait until she eats.
-Finally REFUSING to talk, altogether, or listen to what I have to say:
…and even going so far as to tell me that my opinions do not deserve any respect, because I have an “agenda”,
That she doesn’t care if it’s unfair to hurl accusations and then not allow me to rebut,
And that absolutely anything that comes out of my mouth “is going to be bullshit, anyway”
(Read: I am good at spotting holes in her story, and spotting inconsistencies…therefore she says I am “silver tongued”,
But what I’m good at is cross-examination, that’s all. I just stick to the facts….and her behaviour exposes ITSELF).
DOUBLE STANDARDS:
She also famously accuses me, again and again, of doing things that:
-That SHE actually did, herself
-And that I did NOT do (in fact I am sometimes doing the exact opposite of what she accuses)
Examples:
1.Claims I have an agenda
(allegedly: to stay home, and to manipulate Mom and Dad)
…When she is the one with an agenda
(she outright forbade Mom from having me ever move home in the first place;
and has consistently been trying to get me kicked out, ever since)
2.Accuses me of telling Mom and Dad what to think
(She continually urges Mom and Dad to “admit” that going to school was MY idea,
or that they actually WANT to kick me out,
or that it is ONLY ME who has a problem with her extending her departure times)
… when she is telling them what to think, and these ARE all things Mom and Dad are on board with, and even suggested, themselves. SHE is the one who wants these things, and is attempting to brainwash Mom and Dad into believing otherwise.
My parents stunned me when they proactively SUGGESTED my schooling;
They have complained to each other about the inconveniences of my sister extending her departure times,
As well as hearing me say that I don’t like it;
And yes, they want me out of the house…I want out of the house, too…but all three of us want to see me finish my program, first.
3.Accuses me of twisting things
(because I am good at finding the holes in her story, and asking hard questions, as with the Ultimatum issue)
…when she is the one who twists things
(She brazenly uses Strawman arguments; for example, the other day she asserted that I objected to her visits, entirely,
Which is ABSOLUTE NONSENSE.
…What I repeatedly said what that I didn’t care how often she visited,
or how long she stayed,
but that NONE OF US, including her fiancé, appreciate it,
when she’d say she’s only going to stay 3 days…and ends up staying a week)
4.Accuses me of being a bully
(no idea why, really…I’m always willing to let her talk, because she’s so good at digging herself into a hole)
…when she is actually the bully
(refuses to let me talk, at all)
5.Accuses me of telling mom and dad what to do with their house
(If Mom complains about a problem, I suggest solutions, but I don’t get offended if my suggestions are not taken)
….when SHE is the one telling them what to do with their house
(She brazenly FORBADE my mother to let me move home in the first place
…and then, again, later, issued the ULTIMATUM).
6.Accuses me of making her feel unwelcome
(Because I ask for cooperation and communication about sharing the laundry, bathroom, or car)
…when she is trying to get me kicked out
(and all this while I’m trying VERY HARD to get her approval, and be friends, too).
7.Accuses me of taking advantage of mom and dad
(simply because I live at home, without taking the history into consideration)
….when she is the one using their house as a vacation spot, and ALWAYS leaves a mess behind her
(AND I am the one who helped them…she’s never done a damn thing for them).
8.Claims that she is the one looking out for our parents, in defense against big bad MTL,
(when I am doing the work of four people or more, for FREE, for YEARS)
…yet SHE throws them under the bus again and again
(trying to scuttle mom’s business, for one...
...and calling mom a liar: claiming that mom fabricated the fact that my sister issued her an Ultimatum,
when it is obvious that my sister absolutely DID issue an Ultimatum).
If you guys still want the FULL story, I have it ready...but it is LONG.
1. Personally I was mostly wondering what circumstances prevent you from simply cutting ties, which I didn't see above, although I admittedly ended up skimming after awhile.
2. Uh, maybe she hates you for having lists of everything she does wrong.
October 14, 2015 at 2:32 pm (This post was last modified: October 14, 2015 at 2:34 pm by MTL.)
(October 14, 2015 at 2:28 pm)alpha male Wrote: 1. Personally I was mostly wondering what circumstances prevent you from simply cutting ties, which I didn't see above, although I admittedly ended up skimming after awhile.
2. Uh, maybe she hates you for having lists of everything she does wrong.
That IS in the full story...sorry.
I can leave anytime I want, but it would fuck me up.
It would be best, by far, if I was just allowed to stick to the plan, finish school, work and save money,
and leave, then.
If I had lots of money, all would be resolved...but I don't.
So of course I CAN leave my parents' house, now,
but it would ONLY be done to accommodate my sister's petulance,
(or my unwillingness to deal with her petulance)
....and at great sacrifice, on my part.
And if she doesn't like me having lists of everything she has done wrong,
why does she keep antagonizing me, interfering in matters that don't affect her,
and ADDING to my list???
October 14, 2015 at 2:36 pm (This post was last modified: October 14, 2015 at 2:37 pm by MTL.)
(October 14, 2015 at 2:35 pm)alpha male Wrote: I worked and went to school at the same time. Didn't see it as a "great sacrifice." More like great opportunity. I guess times change.
that's not the problem.
I don't mind going to work and going to school at the same time, at all.
(October 14, 2015 at 2:35 pm)alpha male Wrote: I worked and went to school at the same time. Didn't see it as a "great sacrifice." More like great opportunity. I guess times change.
that's not the problem.
I don't mind going to work and going to school at the same time, at all.
So do it, move out, and you won't have to deal with her.
