The Super-Meaning of Romantic Relationships

[Athene]

<snipped>

testing keyboard/accidental post
*sorry

[Angrboda]

It's called "falling" in love for a reason ... sooner or later you hit the ground.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

[Edwardo Piet]

^^^^

[Thumpalumpacus]

Love is indeed a leap of faith ... skydiving sans parachute.

[Athene]

I once heard that love is a battlefield, somewhere.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I once heard that love is a battlefield, somewhere.

Pffft. At least on a battlefield some folks get out alive.

[Faith No More]

Well, as someone that has been in a committed relationship with the same person for over 20 years, I can say unequivocally that love is not the be-all end-all to having meaning in your life.  Hell, the first 15 years of that relationship was one big existential crisis.  Having someone that loved me and quite often demonstrated that they were willing to do whatever they could for me was definitely not enough.  The lack of meaning I felt was a personal one that no amount of outside validation could remedy.

You have to remember that we're sold an extremely romanticized version of love and relationships by movies and books.  Happily ever after doesn't exist.  Most love is fleeting, and our brains change enough over time that it is highly likely that any love you experience will fade.  Our brains are essentially big pots of chemical soup, and love is really just a chemical reaction in your brain.  We need a certain level of certain neurotransmitters to maintain a happy mood, and how we go about our daily lives definitely affects that.  The different relationships we have with other people release different chemicals into our brains, which make us feel satisfied.  If you find yourself only being satisfied by romantic relationships, it's most likely that you are experiencing some sort of chemical imbalance that the stimulation of a relationship helps to fix, which leads to a feeling of satisfaction and validation.

That's why some people get addicted to drugs easily.  They lack the proper neurotransmitters, so when they take the drugs that release those neurotransmitters, their brains start craving that alternative source.  You're essentially using love as your drug.  When you're in a relationship, you get the stimulation that releases those transmitters.  But when the relationship ends,you lose that source of neurotransmitters, and your brain is hardwired to want to repeat whatever it was that was giving you that.  Thus, you crave a relationship and feel meaningless without it.

You have to remember that we're pretty much complex biological robots.  It feels as if certain things make us happy, but what it really is that those things are the stimulation that releases the neurotransmitters that make us feel happiness.  The good news is there are all kinds of things beside a relationship that release the chemicals we need, like exercise.  The key is finding what works for you.

[Athene]

Well, one positive aspect of being a romantic relationship (for me), would be having someone around when my car starts acting up. 
I hate being ripped off by mechanics. 

Some of the work I've paid a load of money for, could've easily been fixed by a dutiful sweetheart, I just know it.

Bastards.

[Edwardo Piet]

@ Faith No More

Good post.

Well, as someone that has been in a committed relationship with the same person for over 20 years, I can say unequivocally that love is not the be-all end-all to having meaning in your life.  Hell, the first 15 years of that relationship was one big existential crisis.

Do you mind if I ask how the last 5 years was different?

You have to remember that we're pretty much complex biological robots.

I agree.

 It feels as if certain things make us happy, but what it really is that those things are the stimulation that releases the neurotransmitters that make us feel happiness.

What's the difference?

[Faith No More]

@ Faith No More

Good post.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I ask how the last 5 years was different?

Not at all.  

Well, I got clean of drugs for a while(got back into them, but I've been clean again for a few months), which was affecting me adversely.  I came to terms with the grief and PTSD I was experiencing and was finally able to accept my losses.  Mostly, though, my first son was born five years ago.  It was hell at first, because the lack of sleep and amount of work it takes will wreak havoc even on people without mental health problems.  But I've come appreciate both my kids a lot and find meaning in providing for them and being a good father.  That's especially true, because my dad was not a good father.  Of course, his was worse, but I feel good about breaking the cycle.

That's not to say I haven't had my ups and downs the last five years.  It's just that the first fifteen were by far the worst.  Also, I've started to be more proactive with my mental health by trying to stay active, getting good sleep and exercising daily.

What's the difference?

In first scenario the things we do are directly responsible for the happiness we search for, whereas how it actually is, like in the second scenario, the things we do are indirectly responsible.  So, theoretically, we could design a pill that would make us feel as fulfilled as any loving relationship could.