Posts: 156
Threads: 38
Joined: August 26, 2016
Reputation:
1
How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 4:59 pm
Greetings,
I want to live in a big mansion. I want to go around in a Cadillac. I want to be chauffeured in that Cadillac.
I want to spend summers in Nice, France. I want to have sex with young female church members.
I want to make them pregnant and I don't want to have financial problems connected with it.
Actually, I don't want to have any financial problems ever. I want God solve all these problems.
How do I become a televangelist?
Posts: 29716
Threads: 116
Joined: February 22, 2011
Reputation:
159
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 5:08 pm
![[Image: RICH.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=cdn.paladin-press.com%2Fimages%2Flarge%2FRICH.jpg)
Quote:Learn how to make a fortune as a religious con artist. This lucrative career has sustained countless scoundrels, frauds and hucksters for millennia. If you play the part right, you will be blessed with riches, power, prestige and sex.
Discover the easy, inexpensive ways to get religious credentials (and the tax-free status that goes with them), how to develop your following, how to tailor your message for maximum gain and how to weasel out of trouble when your lavish lifestyle or personal misconduct hits the fan.
Your victims will be the feeble, the old, the poor and the desperate, so this is for people with no conscience whatsoever. Get ready to stare into the hopeful faces of the lame and the terminally ill and lie, convince working people to send you their last five or ten bucks by telling them that God will return the donation a hundredfold and rob nursing home residents of what little they have as they hang on to every word you say. In return, you will give them a good show, a temporary emotional high and a hefty dose of false hope. And you will be one rich SOB!
Whether you're actually considering a career in televangelism or just studying their methods to protect yourself or a loved one, you'll find page after page of shocking, amusing and heartbreaking true stories.
Posts: 15351
Threads: 118
Joined: January 13, 2014
Reputation:
117
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 5:16 pm
"There remain four irreducible objections to religious faith: that it wholly misrepresents the origins of man and the cosmos, that because of this original error it manages to combine the maximum servility with the maximum of solipsism, that it is both the result and the cause of dangerous sexual repression, and that it is ultimately grounded on wish-thinking." ~Christopher Hitchens, god is not Great
PM me your email address to join the Slack chat! I'll give you a taco(or five) if you join! --->There's an app and everything!<---
Posts: 5599
Threads: 37
Joined: July 13, 2015
Reputation:
61
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 5:21 pm
A few fancy suits, and nice set of capped chompers will send you well on your way.
Posts: 2084
Threads: 7
Joined: August 14, 2016
Reputation:
10
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 5:34 pm
(This post was last modified: September 24, 2016 at 5:38 pm by Arkilogue.)
(September 24, 2016 at 5:16 pm)SteelCurtain Wrote: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y1xJAVZxXg
Watch this and repeat.
Exactly what I was going to post. That face @3:05...holy shit.
The trick from the Farting Preacher was to send stupid trinkets so the receiver felt obliged to send something back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtW5upD5oW4
lmao @0:57, looks like he just woke up from a dream and is a little disoriented. 
"Leave it to me to find a way to be,
Consider me a satellite forever orbiting,
I knew the rules but the rules did not know me, guaranteed." - Eddie Vedder
Posts: 46269
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 24, 2016 at 6:51 pm
(September 24, 2016 at 5:21 pm)Thena323 Wrote: A few fancy suits, and nice set of capped chompers will send you well on your way.
And a wife with hair so lacquered you could use her head as a portable rock crusher.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 5466
Threads: 36
Joined: November 10, 2014
Reputation:
53
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 25, 2016 at 9:40 pm
(September 24, 2016 at 4:59 pm)mcolafson Wrote: Greetings,
I want to live in a big mansion. I want to go around in a Cadillac. I want to be chauffeured in that Cadillac.
I want to spend summers in Nice, France. I want to have sex with young female church members.
I want to make them pregnant and I don't want to have financial problems connected with it.
Actually, I don't want to have any financial problems ever. I want God solve all these problems.
How do I become a televangelist?
Get a couple of good suits.
Get good dentistry.
Have good hair.
Be well groomed.
Have no qualms spreading woo.
Charge the people for that woo.
Charge double for the sick, poor, or elderly.
Smile a lot as you take money from the stupid and desperate.
"I was thirsty for everything, but blood wasn't my style" - Live, "Voodoo Lady"
Posts: 23136
Threads: 26
Joined: February 2, 2010
Reputation:
106
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 25, 2016 at 10:39 pm
I should think a talent for spewing bullshit is requisite.
Posts: 5664
Threads: 219
Joined: June 20, 2016
Reputation:
61
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 25, 2016 at 10:47 pm
The callousness to throw a handicapped persons wheelchair into the dumpster is a requirement. Medicaid only pays for one every 5 years and many handicapped people are on fixed incomes.
God thinks it's fun to confuse primates. Larsen's God!
Posts: 23136
Threads: 26
Joined: February 2, 2010
Reputation:
106
RE: How to become a Televangelist?
September 25, 2016 at 10:51 pm
(September 25, 2016 at 10:47 pm)chimp3 Wrote: The callousness to throw a handicapped persons wheelchair into the dumpster is a requirement. Medicaid only pays for one every 5 years and many handicapped people are on fixed incomes.
That's not callousness -- that's faith! The Loard has touched you through my hands!
(If you still can't walk, that's your own goddamned fault!)
|
![[Image: extraordinarywoo-sig.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/zf86M5L7/extraordinarywoo-sig.jpg)
