basket case rant

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Yesterday, out of the blue,I received a card from my last girlfriend telling me she still misses me. It's been over 6 years since I've heard from her. She is now married to another man,and living over 2000 miles away.

I just lost it.I was stunned at the feelings which arose; deep distress, anger,bemusement (why now?What's wrong? What does she want from me? Did she really not understand what that would do to me?)

She thoughtfully enclosed her address and email with her new name. Of course I responded how could I not? I'm weak;I still love her to distraction. I told her politely to fuck off. What I actually said was; "There is no way we can go back, and no way forward which would be acceptable to both of us--It was wonderful to hear from you.Perhaps do it again another few years. "

Right now I'm in a bad place. I also feel ridiculous, like a silly schoolboy suffering from unrequited love. I guess my dear old mum was right; the person inside never ages.

Rant over. I think I'll go and smash something.Then I'll sulk.

[theVOID]

Go smash some box Relevant and productive

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Go smash some box Relevant and productive

Thank you. I did that..

A fascinating exercise. I posted the same thread,verbatim, on my favourite forum.

I received 273 views and 27 comments, a couple flippant,most kind and supportive.

What did I learn? That the people on the other forum are more caring? I guess that's possible, but not a valid inference.

A more likely explanation is I've developed some good relationships with some of the people there, so they care about me--and perhaps there I'm less of a cranky old cunt.

[RachelSkates]

Ouch.

I have been agonizing over an ex and have been considering contacting him. Thank you for explaining how much it hurts.

It's been only a year. Never stops. :-(

I hope you can get your mind back to sanity. That's the hardest part!

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Ouch.

I have been agonizing over an ex and have been considering contacting him. Thank you for explaining how much it hurts.

It's been only a year. Never stops. :-(

I hope you can get your mind back to sanity. That's the hardest part!

Thank you Rachel. It can be hard to let go.It took me 20 years to fully let go of my first love.Only happened after my marriage (to someone else) ended.


Right now I remain in high dudgeon; angry and obsessive. I've drafted over a dozen letters aimed at guilting her and have deleted them all.I'm not very rational right now.You can't recall an email. I'm using the three day rule; write, wait three days before sending. So far not one has survived 24 ours.

Nothing positive can be achieved between us. I've discussed the issue with a good friend who is a registered psych nurse and counselor as well as a prosecuting barrister.(like an ADA in the US;it's a long story) There is no point in renewing contact,although he thinks I'll probably write the guilt letter at some stage; it will make me feel better.

Context: This was an unhealthy co dependent relationship. Hence the mutual obsession..( I ended it) These are common with needy alcoholics,which is what I was at the time.Today I'm a sober alcoholic (over 8years) Different person; today I want,but do not need in the same way.

[AnunZi]

I’ve been there myself mate. I know exactly how you feel.

It always puzzles me (during my emotionally detached analytical phases, I go through them from time to time) how the human brain works with regards to memory of past relationships.
We are with someone, we split up for a reason. However, after a year or so we forget the reason why that split happened. We focus on the good parts and forget the bad. We start to miss that person, even if they ripped your fucking heart out and then left you to rot.

I always find it helps to really force myself to look at the situation objectively. Why did you separate? Can you remember how you felt before and after the split? Angry before, relieved afterwards is usually a good indicator that it was never meant to be. It’s a curious thing love. It will fuck you up if you let it!

[Dotard]

I often have my ex-wife and a couple ex-girlyfriends contact me. Usually it is when they find themselves divorced, broken-up or unhappy with their latest.

Out of the three that have done this, one I haven't heard from in approx. three years. Two usually about once a year, more or less.

Never have I had any bad feelings at our meetings. We go to dinner, maybe a movie and always, always fuck.
I look forward to hearing from them and it is always pleasant. We chat into all hours of the night and laugh as if we were long time friends and newly-wed lovers all at the same time. Good times.

They will hang out regularly with me, eating, fucking, movie watching, having fun and telling me about this guy or that guy they just met or had a fling with or whatever. Then when they begin a relationship with someone I'll hear from them less and less until not at all until the next time.

I miss them and hope they'll come around again next year, but at the same time I wish them the happy relationship whereas I'll never hear from them again. Mixed bag o' feelings. Same mixed emotions you would have seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff.... in your brand-new Mercedes.

I love them all. Their happiness being meaningful to me where it brings me more pleasure to see them in a happy relationship then it would bring me discomfort and anger. That, IMO, would indicate MY happiness was more important than theirs, thus my 'love' for them would come into question.


Did any of that make any sense? If it did, please explain it to me. I lost myself somewhere after "...until the next time."

[RachelSkates]

It is really scary how the mind works. I also find myself obsessing and then just chaulk it up to an illness like OCD. It means nothing.

Oh, man, have I also written a hundred letters! Never sent one.

The worst I did was tell a mutual friend that I am getting married. This was not to hurt my ex. He does not care about me at all. He never loved me, if fact, because he thinks he may be gay. I think he is bi because he does like women. At any rate, that is way over my head.

I loved him more, let's put it that way. He led me on for years,telling me we would be married, showing me rings, all the things to torment a woman. Then we lived together and I saw a whole different side.......mindblowing depression, Asperger's syndrome, looking at the wall when we talked. He was so depressed he had to recover all weekend from work, laying on the couch crying like a girl! Any form of comfort I offered was soundly rejected as he closed himself into a wall where no one could go.

So I felt OUT of love right then and there. I tried to comfort, to work around it, to not let go years of what i thought was a relationship!

So my sick mind could not let go.

I told our mutual friend I am getting married to burn a bridge in my own mind. If he thinks I am married, he stops wondering how I am, like Dotard said, will not expect me to come around, and it's easier for me to move on if I know there is no going back in either of our minds. I am sure right now he is NOT thinking of me, so it's just a mind game I play on myself.

But I will NEVER EVER EVER send one of the letters or call him or contact him for the rest of my life. I can guarantee that. I went through this when I was younger. It 5 solid years of hell, but I am way over that guy now. So it might take another 5.

I have never been Dxed with OCD so I doubt it's real OCD, by the way. But I have to name it to fully understand it means nothing.

It is "the perfect created human body" showing once again how idiotic it is that anyone would marvel that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made."

A god who knew anything would never have made us all so damn frail.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Did any of that make any sense? If it did, please explain it to me. I lost myself somewhere after "...until the next time."

Yes mate, it made perfect sense to me. I think that's how it works with mentally healthy people.

Unfortunately,I am unable to to forgive some hurts; I actually hate my ex wife.

I don't hate J. My feelings are a weird mixture of sadness and a fantasy of 'what might have been' with large dollops of envy,emotional and sexual jealously.It's pretty fucked.

Last night, I hurled off an angry and bitter email to her after obsessing for three days. I first had a [female] friend whose judgement I trust have a look at it for sense. I had a four point agenda: to hurt her (likely) to make her feel guilty (unlikely;she's a narcissist ) to make myself feel better (worked,I feel a lot better) and to make her stay the fuck away from me. (should work)


My action was morally dubious. It's rare for me to act from self righteous indignation and even rarer for me to deliberately set out to wound another person. I do feel a lot better,and only a little bit guilty.The letter could have been a lot worse. I spent hours drafting and editing. EG removing most adverbs and character attacks ,as well as most expletives. I left in 'selfish ', 'shallow' and 'thoughtlessly cruel" (all in the same paragraph) only one expletive,at the end "It's well and truly time for us both to get over our fucking selves and move on"

It's been an interesting week; I'm too fucking old to be pining from unrequited love.I really do feel more than a little ridiculous.Perhaps that's one reason I became so angry; few people like feeling ridiculous. (Oh,shit, I think I nearly quoted a line from The Godfather1)

[Minimalist]

I've been married for 40 years.....( I'd have gotten only 25 for murdering someone!) so I don't feel qualified to comment.