What xtian hymns sound like to an atheist

[KevinM1]

"There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing."

I don't know if it's a regional thing, but Catholic services up here - especially the singing and crowd participation parts - are fucking depressing. Just a bunch of off-key white New Englanders droning on and on. Imagine the multi-layered voice of the Borg attempting to sing, but crank up the boredom of this ur-voice by 15% because no one really wants to be there.

But, yeah, any Christian song with words has me rolling my eyes almost immediately. Then again, I don't "get" worship anyway. It never made any sense to me.

[ignoramus]

Some religious songs can stir the soul if sung with passion ... Some of the lesser known favourites I admire are:

Oh Holy Shite, The husband's home early!
Good God! Can a specialist treat that!
Oh come all ye Unfaithful
Amazing Grace, same time next Tuesday?
Christ is Risen, but the nails hold him down.
Jesus, guide me home, I'm pissed again.

[I_am_not_mafia]

My evangelical brother and / or sister-in-law (I don't know which) play the most bland Christian music possible. I have to endure hearing it through the walls if we are both visiting the parents.

I've figured that music can be understood as finding your way back to consonance so the tune resolves itself. You can particularly see this with Irish folk music where an instrument will start off on a dissonant note and then widdle it's way back to the root note.

But their Christian music tries to spend as little time as possible away from anything vaguely dissonant, but it has to in order for there to be a tune and not just a single note being played continuously like 'Ommmm...'. So it has long sweeping root notes occasionally bravely playing a 4th or 5th note which won't sound too jarring before trying to resolve the melody as soon as possible.

I'm pretty damned sure this reflects the theist need for order where they will believe in utter nonsense because they can't face up to the idea of the universe being chaotic, uncertain and unknown where things happen by accident.

[KevinM1]

Contemporary Christian music sounds like an even more banal version of the shit bands like Train pump out. Soccer mom music, just that it’s Jesus who wants to be their secret boyfriend rather than the lead singer himself.

[brewer]

I like the one that sounds like the german national anthem.

[drfuzzy]

 Some of you know that I'm a church organist - I don't make enough in my regular job, need a side hustle.  For the most part, playing the music is easy and fun.  But oh, I really try not to listen to the words of these songs!  

Do you sometimes find yourself doing something similar to this?

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Well, you know, I don't want to get fired.  It has been terribly tempting to do something weird at times.  A friend and I once spent a pleasant hour figuring out ways to hide bits of fun tunes in typical church hymns - for example, how can you combine "Popeye the Sailor Man" with "Be Not Afraid"?   Combine a bit of that with some glasses of wine and you have two very silly church musicians.

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The thing that really stuck out to me after coming out of it and then being exposed to it again was how many of the songs have lines about being washed in the blood of a human sacrifice. Yuck.

I'm washed in the blood of the Lamb!!  Yep.  And "showers of blessing" - - "mercy-drops round us are falling"  --  what the hell is a mercy-drop and you don't EVEN want to know what the teenage boys did to that song . . .

[Catholic_Lady]

Dr Fuzzy, if you hate it so much and think so lowly of the establishment/people who employ you, why not try to find a job someplace else?

[Rev. Rye]

I've posted about this before.  Please forgive.      Some of you know that I'm a church organist - I don't make enough in my regular job, need a side hustle.  For the most part, playing the music is easy and fun.  But oh, I really try not to listen to the words of these songs!  (Apparently the choir members don't pay attention either.)

Do they allow you to come back during off-hours and play more secular material?

[Minimalist]

Yo, Dr.  What about this?






From the notes on youtube:

Leck mich im Arsch (literally "Lick me in the arse") is a canon in B-flat major composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, K. 231 (K. 382c), with lyrics in German. It was one of a set of at least six canons probably written in Vienna in 1782. Sung by six voices as a three-part round, it is thought to be a party piece for his friends. A literal translation of the song's title and lyrics into English would be "Lick me in the arse". A more idiomatic translation would be "Kiss my arse!" Mozart died in 1791 and his widow, Constanze Mozart, sent the manuscripts of the canons to publishers Breitkopf & Härtel in 1799, saying that they would need to be adapted for publication. The publisher changed the title and lyrics of this canon to the more acceptable "Laßt froh uns sein" ("Let us be glad!"), similar to the traditional German Christmas carol,

Even though Mozart was a catholick you might be able to slip this in as your own private joke.

[drfuzzy]

Dr Fuzzy, if you hate it so much and think so lowly of the establishment/people who employ you, why not try to find a job someplace else?

If I could find anything musical that only required weekend and one evening work, I would.  I haven't managed it yet.
I got a second Masters on top of my Doctorate in the hopes that I could make a lucrative career change.  Didn't work.  Tip: never give up a job or change careers after 50.  
I like a lot of the music (but try to tune out the lyrics).  There are a lot of people that I love in that group.  But yes, the lyrics and the homilies really get to me sometimes.
There are more atheists working as church musicians than most people think.  (There is even an "Atheist Church Musician" group here.)  I was a self-employed musician for 30 years.  It sucks.  You have to take EVERY gig you can find.  That means that I have played for nearly every religious group in the area.  The only problem is that if you're in a Catholic or Protestant church, people think that you're doing it as "your ministry to the Lord" -- and many are shocked to find that the keyboardists and choir directors get paid.