Divorce questions/thoughts

[GrandizerII]

I would just say be careful because women can do that thing where they say it's ok you can do a particular thing, and tell you in a calm voice that it's fine.  Then go completely crazy when you actually do that thing.  Like it's just a test.

This aint a women thing. My father did the same thing to my mum when she tried to get a divorce from him in the past.

[vorlon13]

For the overtly religious, I'd insist on a totality inflexible interpretation of whatever marital vows were invoked at the start.

As for everyone else, I'd urge caution, relentless honesty and still, a pretty strict adherence to a slow approach to whatever course is mutually agreed upon.


I'm also big on not sending much in the way of $$$ to the goddamn divorce attorneys.

[ignoramus]

OP, you almost describe me to a T.
You may be having a midlife crisis me thinks. I nearly wrote midwife! Lol.

The only thing I can say to you is:
By looking for the 10% that's missing from the relationship, you risk losing the 90%.

I will never risk it...

[Minimalist]

Have I lost my mind?

No.  But the grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence.  They may use a lot of fertilizer to get it that way.

In any case, by starting something before the divorce you are handing her attorney a winning hand.

[Kosh]

I'll fill in a little added detail here. 

First of all, my wife and I live in a no-fault divorce state.  Secondly, we are fairly equal in the ability to earn income.  We came into the marriage with nothing, and we ended up being pretty equal.  Thirdly, the "issue" has been brought up by both her and myself over the decades.  It usually goes something like this.  Someone has a few drinks and brings up the issue.  There is some back and forth on how we need to work at it, and nothing ever changes.  I honestly think that if I ask her if I asked for a divorce, she would be initially upset, but then reluctantly agree that things are not normal.  I certainly wouldn't be shocked if she asked for a divorce for the same exact reason.  I think she's gotten to the point where things are "good enough".  Comfortable lifestyle, no real drama or stress, and I hate Trump.  I think a few years ago I was feeling the same way.  Recent years its started to bother me, and finally after reading the letters I snapped.

Regardless if I end up with my old sweetheart, I'm pretty sure I might be looking at the same outcome.  I'm 50, and I'm not dead and in the ground yet.

I'm not telling my wife about the other woman.  I think their is enough cause for a divorce without saying, "I found someone else".  The other woman is not the reason my wife and I have only been intimate twice in the last 10 years.

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A little more about the letters.

When this girl and I were dating, we constantly wrote back and forth.  She described being in love, and anticipating sexual encounters in great detail.  I had these letters hidden in a false ceiling in my bedroom.  As luck would have it, a water pipe started leaking in my bedroom ceiling while I was at school, and the letters were discovered by my mother.  She shut us down and forced us to stop seeing each other.  Because of that, there has always been this nagging feeling of unfinished between the two of us.  She has it as well.  My mother burned the letters, but a couple escaped.  I took them and stuff them in my High school yearbook.  I few weeks ago I was cleaning out the garage, and found a box with my yearbooks.  I haven't looked at them in 33 years, and there they were.  Long forgotten.

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One positive not is that I've lost almost 20 lbs. since Thanksgiving.  Nothing like motivation.   I'm a type II diabetic (when I'm heavy).  I'm also a terrible non-compliant patient.  A couple months ago I started back up doing glucose checks in the AM and I was hovering close to 200 (this was before I found the letters).   Now I'm about 85 in the AM which is normal.  I've been pretty much working out daily alternating between cardio and weights.  I also do about 1000 stairs on my lunch break each day.  I'm eating a high protein and low carb diet.  I honestly have not even been hungry.  I figure I have about another 25-30 to go.  That should bring me from a 42" waist to a 32".  I figure about another 10lbs and I'll start upping the carbs a bit and increasing my workout intensity.

I did this same thing about six years ago, and it didn't seem to make any difference to my wife.  This time it's for me.

[Macoleco]

I would say if you are willing to go through the stress of a divorce. You have no children so thats a plus. And this is a personal opinion, but if your wife does not care if you have an affair, I would say she does not love you, as a partner at least. If love is important to you, then this may be another reason for you to divorce.

I would say stay single for a while after the divorce. Dont move with the other woman at least for some time.

[Catholic_Lady]

The only thing I can say to you is:
By looking for the 10% that's missing from the relationship, you risk losing the 90%.

I will never risk it...

I'll have to agree with this.

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Also, I'm curious to know... Why no sex in the marriage? Seems incredibly bizarre. I mean, just go to the bedroom, get naked, make out, and put the P in the V. I imagine there's a deeper issue as to why it isn't happening?

[Aoi Magi]

Get the divorce first, then decide on the remarriage/new-mariage/no-marriage conundrum

[ignoramus]

Also, I'm curious to know... Why no sex in the marriage? Seems incredibly bizarre. I mean, just go to the bedroom, get naked, make out, and put the P in the V. I imagine there's a deeper issue as to why it isn't happening?

P in the V........Ok, Is that how it works? I'll give it a go. I wish someone had told me that 40 years ago! I was too embarrassed to ask!

[c172]

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Like that?

ETA: Sorry, WOW that's annoying.