Is love real?

[Brian37]

One thing that makes me wonder, though, is people can fall out of love even though neither has changed or done anything.  If it's really keyed to the other's happiness, why would it wink out like that?  Something is amiss.

I don't think it is a matter of "falling" but more of a matter of our human brains re assessing the relationship. I dated my now x for 3 years, we were married for three years before we deforced. Despite it not working out, and as much as it hurt for her to say she didn't want to stay married to me, I absolutely hold no ager or want of revenge. Our divorce took place in 2002. 

So of course people change. Even outside love interests, I don't have the same friends today that I had in High School. I didn't have my best friend until High School. But I have not seen him since the mid 90s. My longest, to this day best friend, I met online in 2002, and he passed away in 2018. My current best friend I met in 04 or so. 

You are talking about romance. But regardless, the idea that humans are bound to some sort of ideological or religious or economic gang membership is absurd. I am NOT accusing you of that in my response. I am merely saying in life, times change, even in ordinary non conflict life.

Yes people can change their mind about a relationship, be it dating, marriage or even mere friendship. Life is not static.

[The Grand Nudger]

Some people say that if you want to "get lucky"

I guess you could discharge weapons on the same theory - but that's never worked, in my experience, though I've tried many times.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

One thing that makes me wonder, though, is people can fall out of love even though neither has changed or done anything.  If it's really keyed to the other's happiness, why would it wink out like that?  Something is amiss.

Of course someone has changed when people fall out of love - they were in a state when the other's happiness mattered to them. For a myriad of possible reasons, that state changed.

Love is an emotional state, not a perpetual one. Ever been angry at someone and that anger just 'winked out' or gradually faded, even though you did nothing about it? Samesies.

Boru

[Angrboda]

One thing that makes me wonder, though, is people can fall out of love even though neither has changed or done anything.  If it's really keyed to the other's happiness, why would it wink out like that?  Something is amiss.

Of course someone has changed when people fall out of love - they were in a state when the other's happiness mattered to them. For a myriad of possible reasons, that state changed.

Love is an emotional state, not a perpetual one. Ever been angry at someone and that anger just 'winked out' or gradually faded, even though you did nothing about it? Samesies.

Boru

With anger it's always something that changes with me, though. And that's the point. It seems less about caring about the other person than about how you'd feel if you did or didn't care for them as you think you need to do.

[Spongebob]

Meditation teachers won't say emotions aren't real, but rather they are a reaction to our environment that we can learn to control.  Our brain creates emotions instinctively, but we have a measure of control over this process and allowing ourselves to control emotions gives us more control over our life.

Changing hats now.  Regarding "falling out of love" is certainly possible due exactly to what Boru said.  But I learned a long time ago to approach it differently when I read 7 habits of highly effective families by Steven Covey.  Covey's approach to loving someone was not passive, as in I love my wife, love being a noun.  Covey asserts that in this case, love should be a verb.  If you actively love someone, you act on it by demonstrating this on a regular basis.  What do you do if you love your car?  You take good care of it; you drive it carefully, you keep it well maintained, you don't leave it covered up in the garage for months on end with no attention.  This was his advice for personal relationships, not just spouses but any relationship.  Seems insanely obvious but people forget this all the time.  I had a friend who said he looked at his wife of 10 years one day and told her he just didn't love her anymore.  Why?  Why wasn't he actively doing the things that demonstrated love for all that time?  There wasn't another woman.  I knew them both very well and neither of them changed as people.  He was always lazy and she was always nuts.  This approach has worked for me anyway.  Year ago, I used to genuinely worry about marriage getting dull, but that seems laughable now.

[Angrboda]

[Spongebob]

Let me amend my post and say that the book I referenced is probably 7 habit of highly effective marriage, also by Covey.  I read several of his books dating back to 20 years ago and I'm not sure which one I remembered that from.  They are all pretty good self-help type books.

[Ahriman]

I have zero control over my emotions and the notion that emotions can be controlled is extremely annoying to me. You can't control this shit. Not when the emotions are truly real.

[Spongebob]

I have zero control over my emotions and the notion that emotions can be controlled is extremely annoying to me. You can't control this shit. Not when the emotions are truly real.

Do you think perhaps the idea is annoying to you because others are able to do it and you wish to be able to do it?  I can assure you it's not a myth and you don't have to take my word for it.  You may have a misconception of what I'm talking about.  I'm not talking about Mr. Spock level of emotional control, but certainly a degree of control that doesn't exist without practice and effort.

Define "truly real".

[brewer]

I have zero control over my emotions and the notion that emotions can be controlled is extremely annoying to me. You can't control this shit. Not when the emotions are truly real.

Just what I'd expect you to say. How's that bipolar working for you?